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Re: Joke of the Day
There was a blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes. One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all the state capitals." One of the guys, of course, said, "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?" "N," she answered.
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Ahhhhhh |
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Some football humor
“Gentlemen, this is a football.” on the first day of training and “Winning isn’t everything…it’s the only thing.” Vince Lombardi "Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble the football"....WOW - John Heisman "I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game." – Bear Bryant / Alabama " It isn't necessary to see a good tackle, you can hear it!” - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame "At Georgia Southern, we don't cheat. That costs money, and we don't have any." – Erik Russell / Georgia Southern "The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it." - Lou Holtz / Arkansas - Notre Dame "When you win, nothing hurts." - Joe Namath / Alabama "A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall." - Frank Leahy / Notre Dame "There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you." - Woody Hayes / Ohio State "I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation." - Bob Devaney / Nebraska "In Alabama, an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant." - Wally Butts / Georgia "I never graduated from Iowa. But I was only there for two terms - Truman's and Eisenhower's." – Alex Karras / Iowa "My advice to defensive players is to take the shortest route to the ball, and arrive in a bad humor.” - Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee "I could have been a Rhodes Scholar except for my grades." - Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State " Always remember Goliath was a 40-point favorite over David." - Shug Jordan / Auburn "I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn't recruit me ." He said, "Well, Walt, we took a look at you, and you weren't any good." - Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering wheel." - Bobby Bowden / Florida State "Football is NOT a contact sport, it is a collision sport. Dancing IS a contact sport." - Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his post-game message to his team was; "All those who need showers, take them." - John McKay / USC " If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education.” - Murray Warmath / Minnesota "The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb." - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame "We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches." - Darrell Royal / Texas "We didn't tackle well today, but we made up for it by not blocking." - John McKay / USC "I've found that prayers work best when you have big players." - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame Ohio State's Urban Meyer on one of his players: "He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words.” Why do Auburn fans wear orange? So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday. What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs? Drool. many Michigan State freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb? None. That's a sophomore course. How did the Auburn football player die from drinking milk? The cow fell on him. Two Texas A&M football players were walking in the woods. One of them said, " Look, a dead bird." The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?" What do you say to a Florida State University football player dressed in a three-piece suit? "Will the defendant please rise." If three Rutgers football players are in the same car, who is driving? The police officer. How can you tell if a Clemson football player has a girlfriend? There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck. What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room? A full set of teeth. University of Michigan Coach Jim Harbaugh is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week . The other half will have to dress themselves. How is the Kansas football team like an opossum? They play dead at home and get killed on the road. How do you get a former University of Miami football player off your porch? Pay him for the pizza. When the FSU library burned down Steve Spurrier said it was a real shame “cause a lot of those books hadn’t even been colored yet.” Farmer in Alabama had a son who was a pretty good football player and he wanted to send him to Auburn. He had low SAT scores but the farmer had given vast amounts to the school. So the administration gave the boy a test…one question. “What’s what.” The boy couldn’t come up with an answer. So he went home but applied the next year. Same thing. Gave him a test with one question. “What’s what.” Still no answer. So the farmer gave up and put him to working on the farm. The boy is plowing on the tractor when his girlfriend, Saddie Mae comes out with a cold drink for him. As she waits for him on the top railing of the fence in a dress he walks over to her. She isn’t wear anything underneath the dress and a gust of wind catches the dress and blows it up. The boy sees what’s underneath and says, What’s that?” She says, “What’s what?” He says, “Damn, if I knew that I’d be a junior now at Auburn.” Q: What does the “N” on the Cornhuskers helmet stand for? A: “Knowledge” |
Re: Joke of the Day
A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband: “My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!”
Psychiatrist: “Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.“ |
Re: Joke of the Day
The making of a politician...
A father told his 3 sons when he sent them to the university: "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die." And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially. When their father’s time had come and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish. First, it was the doctor who put 10 $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased. Then, came the financial planner, who also put $1,000 there. Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He dipped into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash He later went on to become a member of Congress.. |
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My favorite comedian...
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I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.
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A guy goes to the doctor.
Guy: "Doc, I think I broke my arm in three places." Doctor: "Well, don't go to those places!" |
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A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs.
When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?" |
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Al Sharpton reported today that Walt Disney's new film called “Jet Black” the African-American version of “Snow White" has been canceled.
All of the 7 dwarfs: Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Forger, Drive By, Homeboy, and Shanky-Skank have refused to sing “Hi Ho” because they say it offends black prostitutes. They also have no intention of singing, “It's off to work we go" |
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https://a.wattpad.com/cover/111809724-288-k437484.jpg
Man tells Asian prostitute that she gave him AIDS... She said, "No. You pay for it." :dunce: https://66.media.tumblr.com/a327a873...tt4vv0_400.png |
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I opened my electric bill at the same time I opened my water bill.
Needless to say, I was shocked. |
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https://i.postimg.cc/JhVHMvFx/5-E049...02353-BC22.jpg
What does POTUS & SCOTUS have in common? They're both "Ruth-less" |
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My eyes!!! |
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This is a little easier on the eyes!!!
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The "real joke of the day". The officiating at the NFC Championship game. That joke was so funny it made me cry.
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A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.
At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russian Hell and many more. They are all similarly gruesome. However, at Nigerian Hell a long line of people is waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Nigerian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." "But that's the same as the others," says the man. "Why are so many people waiting to get in?" "Because of the power cuts, the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable. And the Nigerian devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business." |
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A guy sits down in a diner and asks for a bowl of hot chili.
The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl". He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?" The other guy says, "No. Help yourself". He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl. The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too". |
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If smoking Marijuana causes short term memory loss,
what does smoking Marijuana do? |
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I've come to the realization that suicide would solve all my problems...
... if I could just get the right people to try it. |
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A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree
When he got there, he started to swing at a tree when it suddenly shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!” The lumberjack laughed and said, “And you will dialogue.” |
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There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.
After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, “Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?” With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door. “Wait, ladies,” cried the professor, “The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!” |
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I also recall while working on my BS that the plant pathology prof would use a slide show for his tests. The prof would show a slide and students had to identify the plant pathogen. Before one of the tests, a grad student snuck in and swapped out slide #10. Not looking at the screen, upon advancing from slide nine and instructing the students to identify the specimen a voice rang out from the back of the class....."Miss March, 1973". True story.... |
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West Virginia is so embarrassed by what’s going on in Virginia...
They have asked that people now refer to them as East Kentucky https://media1.tenor.com/images/8dd2...itemid=7320811 |
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How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb?
We wouldn’t know, the women always get to keep the house. |
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A guy walks into a bar, followed by an ostrich, followed by a cat.
All three sit down at the bar. The bartender looks at the man and says, “What’ll ya have?” The man says, “Gimme a beer.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have one too.” The cat says, “I want two beers, but I’m only gonna pay half price.” The bartender serves up four beers, and tells the man, “that’ll be $12.67.” The man reaches in his pocket and without even looking sets exact change down on the bar. After they finish their beers, the bartender asks, “anything else?” The man says, “Gimme a shot of bourbon.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have one too.” The cat says, “I want a double bourbon, but I’m only gonna pay half price.” The bartender serves them and says, “That’s $14.03.” The man reaches into his pocket and without even looking again sets exact change on the bar. After that round, the bartender says, “What else will ya have?” The man says, “I need a Jack and Coke.” The ostrich says, “Me too!” The cat says, “I want two Jack and Cokes, and I’m only paying...” “Half price, I know,” says the bartender. He sets them up and says, “$16.38, please.” The man reaches in his pocket a third time, and again sets exact change on the bar without counting it out. The bartender asks the man, “How is it that every time you pay for your drink order, you can set exact change on the bar without looking?” The man says, “Well, some years ago I was walking on the beach in Egypt, and I found a magic lamp in the sand. I rubbed it, and a genie appeared and granted me three wishes for setting him free. So, with the first wish, I wished that no matter what I ever wanted to buy, I would always have exact change for it in my pocket.” The bartender says, “That’s brilliant! Most people would wish for a million or five million or whatever. This way, you’ll never run out of money, you don’t have to worry about carrying it, and you’ll never be robbed! Absolutely brilliant.” The man says, “I know, and thank you!” The bartender says, “So what did you ask for with your other two wishes?” The man said “A chick with long legs and a tight puzzy.” |
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My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
I guess they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch. |
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A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot.
Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m." He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late. They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay." She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30, or 6:45." The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her. The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge. This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?" The lady blushes, and grins. "When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous." she replies. "I like to switch back and forth." "When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed." The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?" She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late." |
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A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were pretty and wore mini-skirts.
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive. The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent. Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good value for money. Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled. Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before. |
Re: Joke of the Day
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump
I said: “Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912. I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over. |
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A young couple were in Mexico window shopping and had to be back across the border at 5:00 pm they both had no idea how late it was getting because they were told to leave all valuables at home because of the pic pockets . So needing the time they see this old man sitting along side his donkey on the curb. They ask they ole fellow, señor would you no the time ?as the women points to her wrist . The ole man picks up his sombrero looks at the lady and he grabs the donkeys balls and moves them to the the right and says señora it’s a quarter pass 4 , the couple look at the guy In Amazement wtf how does that work they ask the guy? Well senor I grab my ass by the balls going to the right with them I can see the clock across the street.
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Re: Joke of the Day
Sex with ghosts
A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hand. "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Way in the back, Hamid raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Hamad, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?" Hamad replied, "chit, from way back there I thought you said Goats." |
Re: Joke of the Day
A suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah.
He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request. Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I never was with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 prostitutes?" Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, 72 virgins are here in heaven because bastards like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty. And that's your punishment." The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?" And Allah replied, "Who said they were women?" |
Re: Joke of the Day
Life before the computer:
Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider's home. A virus was the flu. A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived. And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy..... you just hoped nobody found out. |
Re: Joke of the Day
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'
'Of course child. What may I do for you?' ‘Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?' 'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.' 'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.' When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?' 'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.' The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?' 'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.' |
Re: Joke of the Day
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a odd-job man and started with a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari." |
Re: Joke of the Day
3 frogs get arrested
The first frog goes in and the judge asks him, "What's your name?" "Frog," he replies. "What did you do?" "I was just blowing bubbles in the pond, your honor." With that, the judge lets him go. The second frog goes in. "What's your name?" asks the judge. "Frog Frog." "What were you doing?" "I was just blowing bubbles in the pond, sir." With that, the judge lets him go. The third frog comes in. The judge says, "Let me guess, your name is Frog Frog Frog." The frog says, "No, my name's Bubbles." |
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