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A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?' The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!' The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.' The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.' The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.' The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins. |
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It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Pfizer & Pepsi to MergeThis will no doubt put Coca Cola out of business in the near future. The Pfizer Corporation announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and this new product will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. Obviously, we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old-fashioned stiff drink. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO. |
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MUCH NEEDED PARTY INFORMATION!
NOT A JOKE... Jagermeister can taste like Root Beer Barrel Candies. Approved by years of Mardi Gras parade testing. If your Jagermeister doesn't taste like Root Beer Barrel Candies, you are doing it wrong. First... REQUIRED: it has to be FREEZING COLD. Second... you need TEST TUBE SHOOTERS. The test tubes shooters help keep it on the middle of the tongue and off the rest of your mouth. Third... THIS IS KEY... make sure the shot touches the front of your tongue where the sweetness receptors are. Finally... Don't do the entire shot at one time and try to keep the shot on only the middle of your tongue. Do the shot in 3 or 4 tastes. This makes it easier to keep it right in the middle of your tongue. If you do it this way, it will taste like a root beer barrel candy and is oddly pleasant. I have shown many people at Mardi Gras how to drink this correctly. All were convinced. If you don't do it this way, it will taste like medicine especially if it isn't cold enough. Doing Five or Six shots will give you a great buzz the entire parade and you won't have to pee. Trust me... it works. I always have a bottle of Jagermeister in my freezer. :cool: https://www.barproducts.com/media/ca...m/img_9901.jpg https://www.licoriceinternational.co...280_detail.jpg https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/i...y8-rzIL9Hm-0PQ NEVER MAKE THIS FACE AGAIN! Keep away from SkyMike. http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-R5Q0lpQu2x...o%2BSmooth.jpg |
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A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost. After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke: “Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us.” Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice: “Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.” The entire congregation said: “Amen.” |
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A married circus couple goes to the adoption agency to adopt a child.
But the social workers are concerned about what kind of living conditions they can provide. So the couple shows them a picture of their 50 ft motor home with all the comforts and amenities, and that satisfies their concern. But then the social workers want to know what kind of education the child would receive. The couple tells them that they've arranged for full-time tutors that will teach the child all the regular subjects along with computer skills and several foreign languages, and this satisfies the social workers. But next the social workers are concerned about the child being raised in a circus environment. "No problem" said the wife. We already have a full-time nanny that's certified in nutrition, CPR and pediatric care. Well now the social workers are fully satisfied and ask the couple, "Now what age child are you hoping to adopt?" The husband says "It really doesn't matter as long as the kid can fit in the cannon." XLIV CHAMPS |
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An old friend moved in to a nice neighborhood. About a week after moving in, at 9 am, there was a knock his door. When he answered the door standing there was a 90 year old neighbor asking if my friend had seen his wife. This went on every day.... 9 am knock at the door with the old man asking about his wife. So, my buddy asks around the neighborhood and finds out that the old guy has Alzheimer's and that his wife had passed away some years ago. The next morning, 9 am, there's the expected knock at the door with the old guy asking about his wife. So, my friend decides to level with the old guy and tell's him that his wife is dead, at which time the old guy turns and walks away. Now this continues for the better part of a month....9 am knock at the door, old guy asks about his wife, my friend tells him she is dead, old guy turns and leaves, only to return the next day.
So, I ask my friend what the hell he's going to do. He says that he actually thought about calling the police, the nursing home or possibly even moving to another neighborhood. Then he realized that it made his day to see that big smile on the old guys face every time he told him his wife was dead. |
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A kid comes home from school. He tells his father his mathematics teacher wants to see him. His father asks why and kid says "well he asked me what is 6x7 and i said 42 then he asked me what is 7x6 and i said what the F*K is the difference?" his father says "ok i will visit your teacher when i have time.".
Next day he asks his father if he talked with his teacher. Dad says "not yet.". Then kid says "When you come to my schools visit my P.E teacher too.". His father asks "what happened?" Kid says " He wanted me to raise my left arm and i did, then he wanted me to raise my right arm and i did, then he wanted me to raise my left leg i did that too but then he told me to raise my right leg and i said what am i going to stand on? my d*k?". His dad says "ok son i will give him a visit too". Next day kid says his dad "dad have you visited my teachers?". Dad says "not yet.". Kid says "there is no need to anymore i got expelled." dad "why did you expelled?". Kid tells "They called me to principals office there were my mathematics teacher, my P.E teacher and my history teacher." Dad asks " What the f*k was your history teacher doing there?" and kid says "Yeah i asked the same.". |
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That's what I said too. ;) |
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Three ducks walked into a bar....
"What's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck. "Huey," was the reply. "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey "Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?" "Dewey," came the answer from duck number two. "So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked. "Great. Lovely wet day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?" The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?" "No," she said batting her eyelashes, "My name is Puddles." |
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FYI... Smashmouth and ForeverFan's wives. Yes... I'm married to the orange devil. Smash owns bushy.
https://memegenerator.net/img/instan...roblem-boy.jpg |
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A ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!” The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde interrupts yelling, "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little **** on your lap." |
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How many blonde jokes are there in the world?
Four. The rest are true stories |
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A sailor meets a pirate at a bar.
The sailor notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eyepatch. The sailor asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out a shark bit my leg off." "Wow!" said the sailor. "What about your hook"? "Well...", replied the pirate, "While my men and I were plundering in the middle east, I was caught stealing from a merchant and the punishment for theft in the middle east is the loss of the hand that steals" "Incredible!" remarked the sailor. "How did you get the eyepatch"? "A sea gull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously. "Well...", said the pirate, "..it was my first day with the hook." |
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So a man walks into a brothel. He's a little down on his luck and only has $5. He asks the woman at the front desk, "So what can I get with this?" and hands her the $5. She takes the money and says, "Second door on the left." The man goes to the room and sees a chicken on the bed. He's confused and searches the room for a woman. He fails to do so and looks at the chicken. "Well, I guess it's better than nothing." He proceeds to have sex with the chicken. Turns out it was the best he's ever had.
A week later he comes back with $1. "So, uhh, what can I get for this?" The woman at the front desk says, "First room on the left." He walks into the room and sees a bunch of guys crowded around a hole in the wall. He gets a chance to peek through and sees two sexy lesbians getting it on. "Man, they're really going at it," he says, "This is pretty crazy." One guy from the crowd says, "Oh that's nothing. You should have been here last week, there was a dude fricking a chicken." |
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Doctor: "How many fingers now?"
Patient: "You know, this isn't how I envisioned a prostate exam." XLIV CHAMPS |
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The husband leans over and asks his wife
"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well." OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence." |
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This kid is an Up and Cummer... See if you can watch this and not laugh. |
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I went to the doctor recently and he said "Don't eat anything fatty." I said "What - like bacon and fries?" And he said "No fatty - don't eat anything."
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Another fat joke? :rolleyes: And oldie but goodie. |
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A man goes to the dentist to get a tooth pulled.
The dentist pulls out a long needle for the local anesthesia. The man says "Oh no I don't do needles!" The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and again the man objects. "No way! The thought of putting on that mask is sufficating me." The dentist then gives the man two viagra pills and says "Here, take these." The man says " Wow are these going to help deaden the pain?" The dentist says " No but you'll have something to hold on to when I pull that tooth." XLIV CHAMPS |
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On a flight from NY to LA, a 737 Max was cruising at 35k when a loud noise erupts under the right wing. The pilot comes over the PA and announces that the plane is experiencing engine trouble but not to worry because the 737 is designed to fly with only one engine.
A short time later there is a loud sound under the left wing. The pilot, in a panic, comes over the PA and tells the passengers that the left engine has failed and that he will try to glide the aircraft to a safe landing at the nearest airport. With passengers screaming and crying a priest stands up and instructs everyone to lock hands in prayer, since they are now in God's hands. To this, a man in the first row tearfully tells the priest he was an aethiest and doesn't know any prayers. The reverend simply instructs him to just try and do something religious. The man, brushing back the tears, stands, takes off his hat and walks down the aisle taking up a collection. |
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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked? "Hunting flies," he replied. "Oh, killed any?" she said. "Yep, 3 males 2 females." came the answer. Intrigued, the wife asked, "How can you tell them apart?" Husband: "Easy, 3 were on a beer can and two were on the phone." |
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A teacher noticed the a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down the the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her want he should do about it. He did this and returned to class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call you Mum!" she said. "I did" he replied, "and she told me that if I could stick it out until lunchtime, she'd come and pick me up from school." |
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Doctor: Well, it looks like you're pregnant.
Woman: Oh my God! I'm pregnant? Doctor: No, it just looks like you are. XLIV CHAMPS |
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I came home late after stopping to get a drink after work. The wife was none too happy and gave me the cold shoulder.
The next day, when she was getting ready to go to work, she asked me to hand her the lipstick and I accidentally handed her a glue stick. She's still not talking to me... |
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This idiot went into this frost bite freezer. His feet got frost bit, then he limped out of a hot air ballon.[emoji3587][emoji3587][emoji3587][emoji3587][emoji3587][emoji3511][emoji3511][emoji3511][emoji3511]
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Genie: I will grant you two wishes
Guy: Two? It's always three, right? Genie: Look at your crotch. Guy: Wow that's a huge penis I've got now. Genie: Yeah, I've been at this a long time. I know what I'm doing. XLIV CHAMPS |
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A man doesn't feel well and wants to call-in sick to work...
So he phones his boss and explains that he wants to take a sick day. "Well," says the boss, "when I'm feeling under the weather I just ask my wife to give me a blowjob. Usually perks me right up! Why don't you try that?" "Ok, I guess it's worth a shot" says the man. About an hour later the man arrives to work looking like he feels pretty good. "See!" says the boss. "I told that would probably work!" "Yup - I gotta admit, you were right! You have a beautiful home, by the way." |
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