Re: Joke of the Day
 

I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”

I said, “No. Is that still required?”

Inb4That’s how everyone else got inmate
inb4you kept that one locked up for awhile huh?
Inb4Well it was a relatively short sentence I’d say
Inb4But it was said with conviction

Re: Joke of the Day
 

“A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. He shouted at her, "You aren't so good in bed either!" then stormed off to work. By mid-morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. "What took you so long to answer?" he asked. "I was in bed," she replied. "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion.”

Re: Joke of the Day
 

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books, he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said,"I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question ," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll." "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.?"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they will send us a free bag of plaster." "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO.

"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and about once a year they send us a complete p r i c k."

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Something to Think About

I was thinking;
Since only 11 million people have Obama-Care, how will 24 million people die if it is repealed? Will an additional 13 million people be randomly shot?

I was thinking;
If Donald Trump deleted all of his emails, wiped his server with Bleachbit and destroyed all of his phones with a hammer, would the Mainstream Media suddenly lose all interest in the story and declare him innocent.

I was thinking;
If women do the same job for less money, why do companies hire men to do the same job for more money?

I was thinking;
If you rob a bank in a Sanctuary City, is it illegal or is it just an Undocumented Withdrawal?

I was thinking;
Each ISIS attack now is a reaction to Trump policies, but all ISIS attacks during Obama's term were due to Climate Change and a plea for jobs.

I was thinking;
After the London 'Lone Wolf' terrorist attack, government officials arrested at least eight other 'Lone Wolves' who had conspired with the original 'Lone Wolf' in planning the 'Lone Wolf' attack. Why do they tell us even though all involved are Muslims, you can be assured, the 'Lone Wolf' attack has nothing at all to do with Islam, just like the other 1,000 plus 'Lone Wolf' attacks by Muslims, are completely unassociated with Islam.

I was thinking;
We should stop calling them all 'Entitlements'. Welfare, Food Stamps, WIC, ad nausea are not entitlements. They are taxpayer-funded handouts, and shouldn't be called entitlements at all. Social Security and Veterans Benefits are Entitlements because the people receiving them are entitled to them. They were earned and paid for by the recipients.

I was thinking;
If Muslims want to run away from a Muslim country, does that mean they're Islamophobic?

I was thinking;
If Liberals don't believe in biological gender then why did they march for women's rights?

I was thinking;
How did the Russians get Debbie Wasserman Schultz and the DNC to steal the Primary from Bernie Sanders? How did Russia get Donna Brazile to leak debate questions to Hillary Clinton in advance of the debates?

I was thinking;
Why is it that Democrats think Super delegates are fine, but they have a problem with the Electoral College?

I was thinking;
If you don't want the FBI involved in elections, don't nominate someone who's being investigated by the FBI.

I was thinking;
If Hillary's speeches cost $250,000 an hour, how come no one shows up to her free ones?

I was thinking;
The DNC is mad at Russia because they 'think' they are trying to manipulate our election by exposing that the DNC is manipulating our election.

I was thinking;
If Democrats don't want foreigners involved in our elections, why do they think it's all right for illegals to vote? This is the classic!!!!

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Re: Joke of the Day
 

A REDNECK FROM ALABAMA DECIDES TO TRAVEL ACROSS THE SOUTH TO VIRGINIA TO SEE GOD'S COUNTRY. WHEN HE GETS TO OOLTEWAH, TENN , HE LIKES THE PLACE SO MUCH THAT HE DECIDES TO STAY. BUT FIRST HE MUST FIND A JOB!!!!

HE WALKS INTO THE INTERNATIONAL PAPER COMPANY OFFICE AND FILLS OUT AN APPLICATION AS AN EXPERIENCED LOG INSPECTOR. IT'S HIS LUCKY DAY!!! THEY JUST HAPPEN TO BE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE, BUT FIRST, THE LOG FOREMAN TAKES HIM FOR A RIDE INTO THE FOREST IN THE COMPANY PICKUP TRUCK TO SEE HOW MUCH HE KNOWS.

THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND POINTS AT A TREE "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE? I WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHAT SPECIES IT IS AND HOW MANY BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IT CONTAINS."

THE REDNECK PROMPTLY ANSWERS, "THAT THAR'S A WHITEPINE, 383 BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IN 'ER."

THE FOREMAN IS IMPRESSED!!! HE PUTS THE TRUCK IN MOTION AND STOPS ABOUT A MILE DOWN THE ROAD. HE POINTS AT ANOTHER TREE THROUGH THE PASSENGER WINDOW AND ASKS THE SAME QUESTION. THIS TIME, IT'S A BIGGER TREE OF A DIFFERENT CLASS.

"THAT'S A LOBLOLLY PINE AND SHE'S GOT ABOUT 456 CLEAR BOARD FEET."

THE FOREMAN IS REALLY IMPRESSED WITH THE GOOD OL' BOY, HE HAS BEEN QUICK AND GOT THE ANSWERS RIGHT WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR!!!!

ONE MORE TEST. THEY DRIVE A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD, AND THE FOREMAN STOPS AGAIN.. THIS TIME, HE POINTS ACROSS THE ROAD THROUGH HIS DRIVER SIDE WINDOW AND SAYS, "AND WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE?"

BEFORE THE FOREMAN FINISHES POINTING, THE REDNECK SAYS, "WHITE OAK, 242 BOARD FEET AT BEST."

THE FOREMAN SPINS THE TRUCK AROUND AND HEADS BACK TO THE OFFICE A LITTLE TICKED OFF BECAUSE HE THINKS THE RED NECK IS SMARTER THAN HE IS. AS THEY NEAR THE OFFICE, ANOTHER FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK AND ASKS BUBBA TO STEP OUTSIDE.

HE HANDS HIM A PIECE OF CHALK AND TELLS HIM, "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE?" "I WANT YOU TO MARK AN X ON THE FRONT OF THAT TREE!!" THE FOREMAN THINKS TO HIMSELF, "IDIOT, HOW WOULD HE KNOW WHICH IS THE FRONT OF THE TREE?"

WHEN BUBBA REACHES THE TREE, HE GOES AROUND IT IN A CIRCLE WHILE LOOKING AT THE GROUND. HE THEN REACHES UP AND PLACES A WHITE X ON THE TRUNK.

HE WALKS BACK TO THE FOREMAN AND HANDS HIM THE CHALK. "THAT THAR'S THE FRONT," THE REDNECK SAYS.

THE FOREMAN LAUGHS TO HIMSELF AND ASKS SARCASTICALLY, "HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU KNOW THAT'S THE FRONT OF THE TREE?" THE GOOD OL' BOY LOOKS DOWN AT HIS FEET, WHILE RUBBING THE TOE OF HIS LEFT BOOT CLEANING IT IN THE GRAVEL AND REPLIES, "CUZ SOMEBODY TOOK A **** BEHIND IT!"

HE GOT THE JOB.

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Saints recently installed this device to the locker room to help influence certain players by lighting a fire under their ass.

https://i.gifer.com/RQJT.gif

Re: Joke of the Day
 

oung family moved to a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew all -gems-in-the-rough," more - or - less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope containing $10. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her $10 "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

the girlproudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those a##holes at the depot ever deliver the f###in; drywall"

Re: Joke of the Day
 

I hear that Caitlyn Jenner's birthday is coming up next month and friends and family are having are hard time deciding on appropriate gifts. The best gift I can think of is:

His & Hers Bath Towels...

Re: Joke of the Day
 

On average a golfer walks about 900 miles a year and drinks about 22 gallons of alcohol.
This means a golfer get about 41 miles to the gallon.

And this is what it looks like.

https://i.imgur.com/qXmEToy.jpg

Re: Joke of the Day
 

The Saints are 3-1 and have won 3 in a row. It must have worked. ;)

Re: Joke of the Day
 

LSU loses by 8 to Florida. I'm not worried. We are going to beat the crap out of Alabama.

I didn't know Trump is an Alabama fan.

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/3e/36...2ca37b5093.gif

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?”

The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?”

The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?”

The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Duck walks into a bakery. “Do you have any spare bread?”

Baker: “No, duck, I have no bread for you!”

Next day, duck walks back in. “Do you have any spare bread today?”

Baker: “No duck! I have no damned bread for you!!!!”

Next day, duck walks back in. “How about today? Do you have any spare bread today?”

Baker: “NO DUCK! AND IF YOU ASK ME AGAIN, I’ll NAIL YOUR FEET TO THE FLOOR!!!”

Next day, duck walks back in. The baker glowers at the duck. The duck looks back. Finally, the duck ask, “Do you have any nails?”

The baker is surprised. “Why no, duck, I haven’t any nails!”

The duck says, “Good. Do you have any spare bread?”

Re: Joke of the Day
 

My boss phoned me today.

He said, “Is everything okay at the office?”

I said, “It is all under control. It’s been a very busy day. I haven’t stopped to take a break all day.”

“Can you do me a favor?” he asked.

I said, “Of course, what is it?”

“Pick up the pace a little. I’m in the foursome behind you.”

Re: Joke of the Day
 

..

Re: Joke of the Day
 

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his mission in the jungle, where he has spent years teaching the natives, when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them, was how to speak English. So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The Priest is pleased with the response.

They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and repeats, "Rock."

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about his results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.

As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike!"

Re: Joke of the Day
 

The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home ... and guess what I found? Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable! The end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!" ;

"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law.

"There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

"Paddy, there, I told you it must be a simple explanation.

"She never got your email!"

Re: Joke of the Day
 

The Saints are 8-1 and have won 8 in a row. Oh... it worked.. :mad:

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Who Dat Fans... We are on the way at 9-1 to 18-1. Thanksgiving day... Destroy the Falcons.

https://memegenerator.net/img/instan...t-exploded.jpg

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Re: Joke of the Day
 

I saw this mean-looking fat woman at my local bar wearing a t-shirt that said "I'm a Maneater"

I went up to her and said "Excuse me - about your t-shirt..."

She angrily cut me off. "Oh I guess you want to know how many men I've eaten?? Well I don't care to hear any of your fat jokes!"

I said "No, actually I wasn't gonna ask you anything at all."

She lightened up and smiled. "Oh - well what did you want to tell me then?"

"That's not how you spell Manatee."

Sent from my SM-G892A using Tapatalk

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Doctor: "Do you want the good news or the bad news first?"

Man: "Good news first please!"

Doctor: "We're naming a disease after you."

Sent from my SM-G892A using Tapatalk

Re: Joke of the Day
 

An Aggie guy and his girlfriend are making out on the coach and she tells him, "Why don't you give me a kiss between the legs!"

He replies, "I know what you are trying to do! You are going to try to bite me on the nose!"

She tells him, "There aren't any teeth down there! Look!"

So he gets down between here legs and looks and probes around.

After a few minutes he gets up and she tells him."See! I told you there weren't any teeth down there."

He says,"Yeah, and the shape those gums are in I know why too!"

Re: Joke of the Day
 

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won !!

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the next race, and it won that race too.

The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in any more races.

The next day the local paper headline read: “BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS”.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN!!

The Bishop fainted ....

He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey as soon as possible.

So she sold it to a local farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:

“NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10”.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey, and take it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is .. . .. being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery, even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Wife : "So , what did you do today?

Husband: "I changed a light bulb."

Wife: "That's all? I did the laundry, vacuumed the house, cooked three meals, and more and you just changed a light bulb?"

Husband: "Yeah, but I filmed it."

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his Buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, “Let’s do it! We’ll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning.”

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.

The first guy says, “Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can’t take her eyes off it.”

The second guy said, “My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.”

Number three guy says “Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual.”

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they all had lost their minds.

“I can’t believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I woke up, slapped my wife on the butt and said, ‘Well babe, Merry Christmas! It’s a great morning for either sex or golf” and she said “Take a sweater”!

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his Buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, “Let’s do it! We’ll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning.”

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.

The first guy says, “Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can’t take her eyes off it.”

The second guy said, “My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.”

Number three guy says “Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual.”

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they all had lost their minds.

“I can’t believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I woke up, slapped my wife on the butt and said, ‘Well babe, Merry Christmas! It’s a great morning for either sex or golf” and she said “Take a sweater”!

Re: Joke of the Day
 

What’s the difference between your wife and your job?






After five years, your job will still suck.

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Re: Joke of the Day
 

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.
He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. 'No' says the neighbor. 'The seat is empty.'
'This is incredible,' said the man. 'Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?'
The neighbor says, 'Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
'This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married.'
'Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?'
The man shakes his head. 'No,' he says. 'They're all at the funeral.

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Re: Joke of the Day
 

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"

Re: Joke of the Day
 

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

Re: Joke of the Day
 

One evening, after the honeymoon, Dick was working on his Harley in the garage. His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we're married, maybe it's time you quit spending so much of your time out here in your garage. You probably should consider selling your Harley and all that welding equipment; they take up so much of your time. And that gun collection and fishing gear, they just take up so much space. And you know the boat is such an ongoing expense; and you hardly use it. I also think you should lose all those stupid model airplanes and your home brewing equipment and what's the use of that vintage hot rod?

Dick got a horrified look on his face. She noticed and said, "Darling, what's wrong?"

He replied, "You were starting to sound like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife!?" she shouted, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"

Dick replied, "I wasn't."

Re: Joke of the Day
 

A nun gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied, and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a costume party."

Re: Joke of the Day
 

A 14-year-old weasel walks into a bar and approaches the counter. The bartender immediately notices the underage weasel.

"Sir, you look extremely young. I can't serve you even a single beer."

"Oh c'mon. You can't just slide me one?"

"Can't and will not serve to anyone under age."

"Fine. Well what other things do you have?"

"Well for non-alcoholics I have tap water and bottled water, I have coffee, and I have pop. Which would you like?"

"Pop," goes the weasel.

Re: Joke of the Day
 

On an overseas flight, a lawyer and an older man were in adjoining seats.

The lawyer asked the senior if he’d like to play a little game. The older man was tired, and he told the lawyer he only wanted to sleep.

But the lawyer insisted the game was a lot of fun.

“Here’s how it works,” he said. “I’ll ask you a question. If you can’t come up with the answer, you have to give me a dollar. Then it’s your turn to ask me one. But if I can’t answer it, I have to give you $20.”

The senior figured if he just got this over with, maybe he could get some sleep. So he agreed to play.

The first question from the lawyer was “How far apart are the earth and the moon?”

The senior stayed completely silent, reached for a dollar, and gave it to the lawyer. Then he said, “My turn. What walks upstairs backward and comes downstairs forward?”

The lawyer was stumped. He thought and thought. He tried to remember all the riddles he knew. He searched every corner of his brain.

He even cheated and asked the flight attendants and other passengers.

Finally he gave up. He woke up the older man and gave him a twenty. The senior stuffed the twenty in his coat and went immediately back to sleep.

The lawyer couldn’t stand it. He woke up the older man and said, “I have to know. What walks upstairs backward and comes downstairs forward?”

The senior got out his wallet, gave the lawyer a dollar, and went back to sleep.