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What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef. |
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One night, I paid $20 to see Prince. But I partied like it was $19.99.
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What did the Buddhist monk say to the hotdog vendor?
Make me one with everything. |
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When someone tell me to stop acting like a flamingo - that’s when I put my foot down.
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My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.
Because I didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away. "Sorry it took so long but the stupid b**** was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not s*** in the vegetable garden again." The silence in the taxi was deafening..... |
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A man is running late for an appointment but can't find a parking spot. He desperately begins to pray "Dear God if you get me a parking spot, I promise to go to church every Sunday and and put money in the basket."
Right at that instant, a parking spot opened up. "Never mind - I found one!" Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk |
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A coma in a sentence can literally change the meaning of everything.
Example: "John is in a hurry." "John is in a coma." Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G891A using Tapatalk |
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Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate Jennifer was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.' About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?' Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.. So he sat down and wrote: __________________________________________________________ Dear Mom, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Brian __________________________________________________________ Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read: ____________________________________________________ Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom |
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That has to be an old joke. |
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There are three girls at a bar, a red head, a brunette, and a blonde.
They have a seat at the bar. The bar tender says, "If you go into the bathroom there is a mirror. Look into the mirror and tell anything in your life that you believe is true. If you are telling the truth then "POOF" a hundred dollars pops out, if you lie then "POOF" you'll disappear." So the red head goes in first and stares deeply into the mirror and proclaims, "I think that i am the most beautiful woman in the world!", "POOF" a hundred dollars pops out. Then the brunette goes in. "I think that i am the smartest woman in the world," "POOF" a hundred dollars pops out. Now it's the blonde's turn. She slowly walks into the bathroom with her hands over her eyes and peeks between her fingers at the mirror. She waits... nothing happens... she is glad. She stands bravely and states, "I think... "POOF " she disappears. |
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A colon in a sentence can make a huge difference.
Example Johnny ate his lunch after school. Johnny ate his colon after school. Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G891A using Tapatalk |
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I love math questions … this one really works. It will take you only about ten seconds and, amazingly, it will reveal your all-time favorite movie. DO NOT cheat. DO YOUR math, THEN compare the results on the list of movies at the bottom. You will be AMAZED at how scary true and accurate this test is:
1. Pick a number from 1-9. 2. Multiply that number by 3. 3. Add 3. 4. Multiply by 3 again. 5. Your total will be a two digit number. Add the first and second digits together to find your favorite movie (of all time) in the list of 17 movies below: Movie List: 1. Gone With the Wind 2. E T 3. Blazing Saddles 4. Star Wars 5. Forrest Gump 6. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly 7. Jaws 8. Grease 9. The Nancy Pelosi & Hillary Clinton Lesbian Movie 10. Casablanca 11. Jurassic Park 12. Shrek 13. Pirates of the Caribbean 14. Titanic 15. Raiders of the Lost Ark 16. Home Alone 17. Mrs. Doubtfire Seems some people have sick movie taste here. |
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Man starts a fight at a bar; police officers arrived on the scene, arrested the instigator, and arraigned the ruffian before a judge.
The judge asked, “Where is your employment, where do you work?” The ruffian replied, “here and there.” "Well," the judge asked, “what do you do for a living?” “This and that,” replied the accused. "All right then," the judge then ordered, “take him away officers.” The ruffian protested, “wait, your Honor, when will I get out?” “Sooner or later,” the judge replied. |
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What do you get when you offer a liberal a penny for his thoughts?
Change. |
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An 86 year-old man is out fishing. He was sitting in his boat when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up!"
He looked around and did not see any one. He thought he was dreaming until he heard the voice again. "Pick me up." The old man looked in the water and there, floating on a Lilly pad was a frog. The man said, "Are you talking to me?" The frog replied, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride." The man looked at the frog for a minute in confusion, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket. The frog screamed, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride!" He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog." WATCH THIS GUY. HE MAY WANT THAT FROG. https://media1.tenor.com/images/55d1...itemid=7272673 |
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Why can't a blonde dial 911?
She can't find the eleven. |
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Four surgeons sit around discussing their favorite patients.
The first surgeon says, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up, everything is in alphabetical order". The second surgeon says, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up, everything is in numerical order". The third surgeon says, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up, everything is color coded." The fourth surgeon says, "I like operating on politicians." The other three surgeons look at each other in disbelief. The fourth surgeon continues, "Because they're heartless, gutless, spineless, and the arse and head are interchangeable." |
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What do you call two lesbians in a closet?
A liquor cabinet |
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Upon returning home he promptly informed Mom that they had two "Lebanese" living in their rent house. |
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Girlfriend just told me she doesn’t care what she gets for Christmas as long as it has diamonds in it.
A pack of playing cards it is then. |
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Boudreaux got called into his bank 'bout his accounts.
"Mr. Boudreaux, all your accounts are in arrears," Mr. Ledet, the banker continued, "...checking account is overdrawn, auto & home loans are two months past due." "Mr. Ledet, I undrestand." said Boudreaux. "It's Clothilde, my wife, that woman just won't listen to me." Mr. Ledet the banker asked Boudreaux, "Why do you have her on your accounts if she won't listen and stop over-spending?" Boudreaux sighed and told the banker "To be honest widcha, Cher', I'd rather argue wid you than wid her !" |
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little Johnny goes to confession:
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" "I cannot say." "Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Nina Capelli?" "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her." "Was it Cathy Piriano?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?" "Please, Father! I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself." Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "Well what'd you get?" Johnny says "Four months vacation and five good leads..." |
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Here's the Table of Contents from the new book, "Winning Golf Strategies," which I believe gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information that I have gained through my own years of experience in the game and observations of my many golfing partners.
Table of Contents Chapter 1 - How to properly line up your fourth putt. Chapter 2 - How to hit a Nike from the rough when you hit a Titleist from the tee. Chapter 3 - How to avoid the water when you lie 8 in a bunker. Chapter 4 - How to get more distance off the shank. Chapter 5 - When to give the Ranger the finger. Chapter 6 - Using your shadow on the greens to confuse your opponent. Chapter 7 - When to implement handicap management. Chapter 8 - Proper excuses for drinking beer before 9 a.m. Chapter 9 - How to urinate behind a 4" x 4" post…undetected. Chapter 10 - How to rationalize a 6-hour round. Chapter 11 - How to find that ball that everyone else saw go in the water. Chapter 12 - Why your spouse doesn't care that you birdied the 5th. Chapter 13 - How to let a foursome play through your twosome. Chapter 14 - How to relax when you are hitting three off the tee. Chapter 15 - When to suggest major swing corrections to your opponent. Chapter 16 - God and the meaning of The Birdie-To-Bogey Putt. Chapter 17 - When to re-grip your ball retriever. Chapter 18 - Use a strong grip on the hand wedge and weak slip on the foot wedge. Chapter 19 - Why male golfers will pay $5.00 a beer from the cart girl and give her a $3 tip, but will balk at a $3.50 Beer at the 19th hole and stiff the bartender. Hopefully, you will find this book intriguing and purchase a copy. Please send on and hopefully more people will buy copies!!! Thank You |
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8 words with 2 meanings...
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female... Any part under a car’s hood. Male....... The strap fastener on a woman’s bra. 2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female... Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another. Male....... Playing football without a cup. 3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni- kay-shon) n. Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner. Male...... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys. 4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n. Female... A desire to get married and raise a family. Male....... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one. 5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter- tayn-ment) n. Female... A good movie, concert, play or book. Male....... Anything that can be done while drinking beer. 6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female... An embarrassing by-product of indigestion. Male....... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding. 7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. Male...... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it. 8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female... A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male...... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes. AND He said..... I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it. She said.... You wear pants, don’t you? He said...... Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said.... That’s a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart! He said...... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said.... Turn sideways and look in the mirror! He said...... Why are married women heavier than single women? She said.... Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge. |
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What did the left butt cheek tell the right one..?
If we stick together, we can stop this chit. |
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Math Teacher: Okay, class, five ducks in a pond, hunter shoots two, how many left?
T-Boy: None, cause would fly off. Math Teacher: Well the answer was three, but I like the way you think. T-Boy: Let me ask you m'aam, if three women on a bench enjoying ice cream, one biting her treat, one licking her treat, and one sucking her treat, which one's married? Math Teacher: (nervously) The one sucking her treat? T-boy: No m'aam, the one with the wedding ring, but, I like the way you think! |
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What does a slutty horse wear on its hooves?
Whoreshoes. |
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Towards the end of the golf course, Tom hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch..
All of a sudden . . .. POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, “I’m Mother Nature!” “Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won’t have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life; better still, you won’t have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you’ll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!” Then POOF! . . . she was gone! After Tom recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, “Fred, where are you?” Fred yells back, “I’m over here in the ***** willows.” Tom shouts back, ‘DON’T SWING, Fred; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON’T SWING!!!” |
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Hey guys... Are you gaining weight and looking fat?
Just remember... you won't looks so fat if you tell your woman to gain some weight. |
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