|
Re: Joke of the Day
Good one LOL
|
Re: Joke of the Day
After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven.
While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her: "Hello. How are you?! We’ve been waiting for you! Good to see you." When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, 'This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her. "Which word?" the woman asked. "Love." The woman correctly spelled "love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven. About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?" "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," the woman told him. "Which word?" her husband asked. "Czechoslovakia. |
Re: Joke of the Day
Wife to husband: If I die, I want you to promise me, in the funeral procession, you'll let my mother ride in the first car with you.
Husband: All right, but it'll ruin my day. |
Re: Joke of the Day
I got fired on my 1st day as a masseuse. Apparently a facial has a whole different meaning to them...
|
Re: Joke of the Day
A man with a stuttering problem tries everything he can to stop the stuttering, but he can't. Finally, he goes to a world renowned doctor for help. The doctor examines him and says "I've found your problem. Your penis is twelve inches long. It weighs so much that it's pulling on your lungs, causing you to stutter." So he asks, "What's the cure, doc?" The doctor replies, "Well, we have to cut off six inches."
The man is eager to cure his stuttering so he agrees to the operation. The operation is a success, and he stops stuttering. Two months later, the man calls the doctor and tells him that since he's had the 6 inches cut off, all of his girlfriends have dumped him, and his love life has gone down the tubes. He insists that the doctor do another operation to add the six inches back on. There is silence on the other end of the telephone, so the man repeats, "Hey doc, didn't you hear me? I want my six inches back!" Finally, the doctor responds, "F-f-f-f-f-f-u-c-k y-y-y-y-ou! |
Re: Joke of the Day
A WISE PERSON ONCE SAID:
We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes. Having a cold drink on a hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS! Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available. I haven't verified this, but it sounds legit… A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it. |
Re: Joke of the Day
A hot looking blonde walks in to a casino and wanders up to one of the craps tables. She looks at the two table handlers and says, “I want to bet $25,000 dollars. It’s all the money I have. The only request is that I play topless as I have found that this provides me the most luck at winning.”
The two men agree and watch anxiously as the woman unbuttons her blouse, removes it, and then removes her bra. She puts the money down on the table and rolls the dice. As the dice stop, she starts jumping up and down and screaming, “I WON I WON I WON!” She gathers her winnings puts the chips in her bag, puts on her shirt and walks out. The two men at the table look at each other, one asks the other, “So what did she roll?” The other man says, “I thought you where watching?” |
Re: Joke of the Day
|
Re: Joke of the Day
A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a 45-year-old woman, I have the breasts of an 18-year-old.” "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation.”
|
Re: Joke of the Day
A man goes to a doctor, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say, "Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?”
"Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" says the doctor, "They just came out with this new wonder drug that does the trick! You take some pills and your problems are history.” So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way. A couple of days later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street. "Doctor, Doctor!" yells the man excitedly, "I've got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful! I've had sex fourteen times in eight days!” "Well, I'm glad to hear that" says the pleased doctor, "What does your wife think about it?" "Wife?" asks the man, "I haven't even been home yet!" |
Re: Joke of the Day
A woman was in bed having sex with her husband's friend when the telephone rang. After hanging up, she says, "That was Harry, but don't worry -- he won't be home for a while. He's playing cards with you.''
|
Re: Joke of the Day
Three moms, a blonde, brunette, and a redhead were all talking about their daughters.
The brunette said, "I was looking through my daughters things and I found cigarettes, I can't believe my daughter smokes." The redhead says, "Ladies, I was looking through my daughters things and I found a bottle of liquor, I can't believe my daughter drinks.” The blonde says, "I was looking through my daughters things and I found a pack of condoms, I can't believe my daughter has a penis!" |
Re: Joke of the Day
Little 6-year old John Smith’s parents felt really horny at 11 AM on Sunday and wanted to make love, but had to get John away for at least one hour. They told him to go to the balcony and report all activities of their neighbors for the next hour. Being the innocent, dutiful son he was raised to be, he did as he was told.
His parents amused themselves and then came the formality of the report at 12 PM. John said, “For the past hour, the Wilsons were watching TV, Mr. Cole was playing the piano, the Johnsons were playing cards together and the Donalds were having sex.” His parents were shocked! They asked him “How do you know that?” He said, “Their son was out on the balcony too.” |
Re: Joke of the Day
A billionaire was having a party at his house, and in his back yard he had a huge pool with great white sharks in it.
He announced to everyone at the party that whoever could swim across the pool without getting attacked could either have all his money, his wife, or his house. So when everyone got back to talking all of a sudden a guy is in the pool swimming as fast as he can and when he gets to the other side and jumps out. The billionaire goes, "Holy ****, I didn’t think anyone was going to do it, but anyway, you want the money right?" and the guy says, "No." So the billionaire says, "Oh, you want my house?” The guy says, “No.” The billionaire says," What, you want my wife, then?" The guy responds, "Hell no.” So the billionaire asked, "Well what the **** do you want?" The guy's still trying to catch his breath says, ”I want the motherf*cker who pushed me in the pool.” |
Re: Joke of the Day
Two nuns were shopping at a convenience store.
As they passed the beer cooler, one nun said, Wouldn't a nice cold beer or two on a hot summer evening be nice? The second nun replied, "Yes it would sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer since I am sure it would caused a scene at the register." "I can handle that without a problem," the other nun replied as she picked up a 6-pack and headed for the register. The cashier has a surprised look on his face as the 2 nuns put the six-pack of beer on the counter. "We use beer for washing out hair", the nun explained. "Back at our convent we call it "Catholic Shampoo'." Without a pause the cashier puts a bag of pretzel sticks in the bag, looks at the nuns, smiles and says, "The curlers are on the house!" |
Re: Joke of the Day
Quote:
|
Re: Joke of the Day
A man walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey then looks into his pocket. He does this over and over again. Finally, the bartender asks why he orders a shot of whiskey and afterwards look into his pocket. The man responded, "I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then I'll go home."
|
Re: Joke of the Day
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" "We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare. |
Re: Joke of the Day
"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'. 3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. 'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy ... do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?' The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"... |
Re: Joke of the Day
Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students. This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, "Do you know what your a$$hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?' She replied, 'Probably golfing with his buddies.’ |
Re: Joke of the Day
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers, and then there are educators... |
Re: Joke of the Day
A man went to the doctor's office to ask for a triple dosage of Viagra.
Doctor: I can't give you a triple dose. Man: Why not? Doctor: Because it's not safe. Man: But I need it really bad. Doctor: Well, why do you need it so badly? Man: My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, my ex-wife will be here on Saturday, and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I've got to have a triple dose. The doctor finally relented. All right, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects. On Monday afternoon the man dragged himself into the doctor’s office... his right arm in a sling Doctor: Good God! What happened to you? Man: No one showed up. :? http://bp0.blogger.com/_tcantqnGVL4/...220/Viagra.JPG |
Re: Joke of the Day
https://scontent-dfw1-1.xx.fbcdn.net...58&oe=56D8401E
Donald Trump and Ted Cruz are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Trump and Cruz sitting over there?' The bartender says, 'Yep, that's them.' So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?' Cruz says, 'We're planning WW III.' The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?' Trump says, 'Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.' The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits?! Why kill her?' Trump turns to Cruz and says, 'See, I told you, no one gives a crap about the 140 million Muslims.’ #BlondeLivesMatter |
Re: Joke of the Day
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. What are you doing?" she asked. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he asked. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she asked. "Watching the game with my son-in-law." |
Re: Joke of the Day
Quote:
|
Re: Joke of the Day
Quote:
|
Re: Joke of the Day
Quote:
A guy goes to his doctor and asks for some Viagra and the doctor tells him he is healthy and he doesn't need it. The guy tells the doctor that he has a nymphomaniac coming over for the weekend and he wants to be ready, so the doctor gives them to him. The guy comes back to the doctor on Monday and tells him he need some industrial strength BenGay. The doctor asks him what he wants it for so the guy shows the doctor his member and it looks like ground hamburger meat. The doctor says, "You weren't going to put BenGay on that were you?" The guy says, "Hell no! Its for my elbow! The B I t c h never showed up!" |
Re: Joke of the Day
Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance. Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much.
“I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.” She said, “Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant penis.” Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait so Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touch teasing, holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, “You told me your penis was the size of an infant!” “Yes it is: 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!” |
Re: Joke of the Day
|
Re: Joke of the Day
Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars." |
Re: Joke of the Day
Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a psychiatrist and told him I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the psychiatrist. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears." "How much do you charge?" "$80 per visit," replied the doctor. "I’ll sleep on it and if needed I will come back to you," I said. Six months later the psychiatrist met me on the street. "Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked. "Well, $80 a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV." "Is that so!" With a bit of an attitude he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed – ain’t nobody under there now!" |
Re: Joke of the Day
You know the U.S. is in trouble when Larry the Cable Guy makes more sense than any of the presidential candidates...
Think about this: 1. Cows 2. The Constitution 3. The Ten Commandments COWS Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow. THE CONSTITUTION They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ....why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore. THE 10 COMMANDMENTS The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this -- you cannot post: 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment. Also, think about this ..... If you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone -- YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM! GET ER DONE!.........I'm do'in my part. |
Re: Joke of the Day
On that note:
|
Re: Joke of the Day
Little Johnny comes home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
“Why?” asks his father? “ The teacher asked - “How much is 2x3” - I said 6, replies Bobby. “But that's correct!” says his dad. Yeah, but then she asked me -“How much is 3x2?” “What's the damn difference?” asks the father. “That is what I said!” |
Re: Joke of the Day
1 Attachment(s)
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross." Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!" Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough? |
Re: Joke of the Day
So a 16 year old boy gets his first job working in the produce department at a grocery store. One day a 6'5 300 pound guy comes in asking for a half head of lettuce. Well the boy goes in the cooler to find his boss and tells him some *** hole out there wants a half head of lettuce not knowing the guy is behind him. He turns around and says "and this guy wants the other half". After the man leaves his boss says "you got some wit there boy, where you from?". The boy replied "South Florida in a town with 2 kinds of people: football players and prositutes. The boss says "oh really, my wife is from a town in southern Florida". To which the boy replied "what position did she play?"
|
Re: Joke of the Day
The economy is so bad that:
I received a pre-declined credit card in the mail. CEO’s are now playing miniature golf. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America. Motel Six won’t leave the light on anymore. A picture is now worth 200 words. They renamed Wall Street…Wal-Mart Street. Finally, I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck. |
Re: Joke of the Day
At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.
Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!" |
Re: Joke of the Day
|
Re: Joke of the Day
Spell Check That...
Eye halve a spelling chequer It came with my pea sea It plainly marques four my revue Miss steaks eye kin knot sea. Eye strike a key and type a word And weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait a weigh. As soon as a mist ache is maid It nose bee fore two long And eye can put the error rite Its rare lea ever wrong. Eye have run this poem threw it I am shore your pleased two no Its letter perfect awl the weigh My chequer tolled me sew. |
| All times are GMT -5. The time now is 03:14 AM. |
Copyright 1997 - 2020 - BlackandGold.com