Re: Joke of the Day
 

In His Wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need. In His Wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good

So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it’s God’s will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

Nine Important Facts to Remember as You Grow Older

#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

#8 Life is sexually transmitted.

#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

#6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

#2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.

Don't ignore this message. This is your only warning.

A friend sent this to me -- must have mistakenly assumed I was aging?

In GOD We Trust

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Wayne Newton???

Re: Joke of the Day
 

I his worst dream. :cool:

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Four old Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square .

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, The four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies,
I have a daughter,

SLIM & TALL
40 D Breasts
24" WAIST and
34" HIPS





When she walks into a room, people say, “JESUS"

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Tea is an evil substance

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Two buddies are playing golf and ahead they see two women also playing. But the women are slow and the men want to ask if they can play through.

One fellow starts walking, but about halfway there, he turns around.

When he gets back, his friend asks what happened.

First fellow replies, "One of those women is my wife, and the other is my mistress.

Why don't you go talk to them?"

So the second man starts to walk over. He gets halfway there and turns around.

When he gets back, his friend asks, "What happened?"

Friend replies, "Small world."

Re: Joke of the Day
 

A man wanted to get married.

He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates.

He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much..

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

Re: Joke of the Day
 

What is the difference between a regular chair and an electric chair?

A regular chair you get to sit in all the time, every single time alive

Electric chair is the last chair you sit in and don't live to get out of alive. Get it, regular chair you get out alive and electric chair you get out dead?!

Re: Joke of the Day
 

"What is the difference between a regular chair and an electric chair?

A regular chair you get to sit in all the time, every single time alive

Electric chair is the last chair you sit in and don't live to get out of alive. Get it, regular chair you get out alive and electric chair you get out dead?!"

Re: Joke of the Day
 

A guy has been very busy over the past 2 years putting his thoughts and ideas together in a book about Golf. He is very proud of the results and in order to market the publication, he is asking friends and family to be the first to own a copy.

Here's the Table of Contents from the new book, "Winning Golf Strategies," which I believe gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information that I've gained through my own years of experience in the game and observations of my golfing partners.

Table of Contents

Chapter 1 - How to properly line up your Fourth putt.

Chapter 2 - How to hit a Nike from the rough when you hit a Titleist from the tee.

Chapter 3 - How to avoid the water when you lie 8 in a bunker.

Chapter 4 - How to get more distance off the Shank.

Chapter 5 - When to give the Ranger the finger.

Chapter 6 - Using your shadow on the Greens to confuse your opponent.

Chapter 7 - When to implement Handicap Management.

Chapter 8 - Proper excuses for drinking beer before 9 a.m.

Chapter 9 - How to urinate behind a 4" x 4" post .. Undetected.

Chapter 10 - How to rationalize a 6 hour round.

Chapter 11 - How to find that ball that everyone else saw go in the water.

Chapter 12 - Why your spouse doesn't care that you birdied the 5th.

Chapter 13 - How to let a Foursome play through your Twosome.

Chapter 14 - How to relax when you are hitting three off the Tee.

Chapter 15 - When to suggest major swing corrections to your opponent.

Chapter 16 - God and the meaning of The Birdie-To- Bogey Putt.

Chapter 17 - When to regrip your Ball Retriever.

Chapter 18 - Use a strong grip on the Hand Wedge and Weak Slip on the Foot Wedge.

Chapter 19 - Why male golfers will pay $5.00 a beer from the Cart Girl and give her a $3 tip, but will balk at a $3.50 Beer at the 19th Hole and stiff the Bartender

Re: Joke of the Day
 

A man has been working in the same job for years. Time after time, he is passed over for promotion. There are only small pay raises. When he comes home and tells the family the bad news, his wife lays into him with what “the Jones’ have” and they don't. Then the kids start talking enviously about the neighbor's new boat or car or... The poor guy can never do enough to make them happy.

One morning driving to work, stuck in traffic, and after a similar depressing evening sharing the news of yet another lost raise opportunity, he sees a monastery. He thinks “why not?! I've had enough of this rat race!!” He pulls to the curb, leaves the keys in the car and goes in leaving it all behind.

The head monk is glad to accept him. He tells the guy there are some conditions though. “You need to work for your keep”

“No problem” says the man.

“And you need to take a vow of silence. However, once a year you will be allowed to speak just two words”.

“I can easily do that too”, replies the man.

The first year goes by. The man is fitting right in, working in the garden, keeping his bare-bones room clean. In one year, he has not spoken one word.

The head monk calls him in to see him for his annual review. “You are fitting right in and doing a fine job here. Today is the day you get to speak your two words. Now, my friend, what are they?”

The man thinks for a second and then says “Bed hard”.

The head monk says “So noted. Keep up the good work and I'll see you next year”.

Another year of silence and humble work goes by and the man is again called in for his review. “Again, this is your time to speak your 2 words.

May I ask what they are?”, asks the monk.

“Food cold”, says the man.

“Again, so noted”, says the monk. “See you next year.”

The third year review takes place. Again, the monk says to the man “And what are your two words this year, friend?”.

The man, with out hesitation, says “I quit!”.

“Well,”, says the head monk, “that doesn't surprise me. Ever since you came here, it has been complain, complain, complain !”

Re: Joke of the Day
 

RIP Rosie O’Donnell

OH! Sorry!

It’s Hugh Hefner who died?

I though they said Hugh Hefner....

Re: Joke of the Day
 

I'm all for a women's movement.

I hate it when they just lie there.

Re: Joke of the Day
 

I got kicked out of the swimming pool yesterday.

Apparently the "breaststroke" isn't what I though it was...

Re: Joke of the Day
 

I support the womens movement.

I hate it when they just lie there.

Re: Joke of the Day
 

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" "Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything." The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."

Re: Joke of the Day
 

If your vibrator is hacked....is it a sex crime?


https://gizmodo.com/if-your-vibrator...ime-1820007951

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Instant Karma is going to get you. It's going to knock you right in the head.
Better get yourself together, pretty soon you are gonna be dead.

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Huge heiffer [emoji28][emoji28]

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G891A using Tapatalk

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Adrian!

Re: Joke of the Day
 

.https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/201...b6d6abf746.jpg

Re: Joke of the Day
 

My wife asked: “if I die first, would you date again?”

Kinda awkward, I said: “after a good long time, probably.”

My wife then asked: “would you let her use my golf clubs ?”

I said: “Nah, she's left handed.”

I get out of the hospital a week from Tuesday.

Re: Joke of the Day
 

JOB INTERVIEW

"What's your biggest weakness?"

"Honesty"

"Well I don't think honesty is a weakness"

"I don't give a fuvk what you think"

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G891A using Tapatalk

Re: Joke of the Day
 

2040...

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Red Neck Pacifier

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Not you too Santa..

Re: Joke of the Day
 

2+2+2=7

Teacher: Johnny, if I gave you 2 cats, then another 2 cats, then another 2 cats, how many cats will you have?

Johnny: 7 Ma'am

Teacher: Okay Johnny listen again carefully. If I gave you two cats, then another two cats, then another two cats, how many cats will you have?

Johnny: 7 cats Ma'am

Teacher: Okay Johnny let's put it another way. If I give you two apples, then another two apples, then another two apples, how many apples do you have?

Johnny: 6

Teacher. Ok good. So if I give you two cats, then another two cats, then another two cats, how many cats will you have?

Johnny: 7

Teacher: How in the hell are you getting seven cats?

Johnny: I already have a cat

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G891A using Tapatalk

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Proper ATM use....in Chicago

Re: Joke of the Day
 

A history lesson...

Re: Joke of the Day
 

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What’s the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself? A Beretta Jetfire.

Here’s her story in her own words:

"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open.

She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!" "Just one quick shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took

The 'gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection, plus the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible. His life insurance was a big bonus too!!

Re: Joke of the Day
 

VERY, VERY SAD DAY. A good friend of mine, after 7 years of medical school and training has been fired for one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. He's still paying on his school loans. This just goes to show one minor mistake can ruin your life. Thoughts for him and his family. He really is a great guy and a brilliant veterinarian.

Re: Joke of the Day
 

A young man goes to confession and tells the priest that he masturbates frequently. The priest tells him that sexual processes are sacred and that he should save that for once he is married.

Several years later the same young man comes back to the priest and says that he is soon to be married. The groom-to-be adds “Father, I appreciate the advice you gave me about sex years ago. I’ve found a wonderful woman and we are waiting until the wedding to have sex. My only problem is that I now have a five gallon bucket full of the sacred effluent you told me to save for marriage. What am I to do with it now?”

Re: Joke of the Day
 

My wife and I were awakened by a loud banging on our door at 3 a.m. in the morning. I answer the door and a man standing in the pouring rain asked me if I can give him a push. I said "Are you crazy? It's 3 a.m. and it's pouring down rain! Absolutely not!"
And I slammed the door and went back to bed.

My wife asked "Who was it?"
"Some guy wanting a push"
"Well did you help him?"
"Of course not. It's 3 a.m."
"Well how soon we forget! Remember a couple of weeks ago when we were driving in the middle of the night and our car broke down. You knocked on someone's door and asked for help. They came out and helped us. You should be ashamed of yourself. Now go on out there and help that man."

"Angrily I went back out into the darkness and yelled out, "Hey are you still there?"
"Yes"
"Do you still need a push?"
"Yes please"
"Ok - where are you?"
"Over here... on the swing."

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G891A using Tapatalk

Re: Joke of the Day
 

One for the physicists in the crowd....

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Four guys are hanging out. One of them says " Do you know that 1 out of 4 guys are gay?"
Larry says "I hope it's Chuck. He's really cute."

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G891A using Tapatalk

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Lettuce and Carrot racing and carrot falls behind. The lettuce turns and calls back, "sorry pal. It's not my fault I'm a head."

Re: Joke of the Day
 

:lol: