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Some laughs there I hope.
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I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman at that party.
Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch. |
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And some more.
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A priest and a nun were lost in a blizzard. After a while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep. There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor – but only one bed.
Being a gentleman, the priest said, “Sister, you sleep on the bed. I’ll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag.” Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said “Father, I’m cold.” He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got a blanket and put it on her. Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, “Father, I’m still very cold.” He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again. Just as his eyes closed, she said, “Father, I’m sooooo cold.” This time, he remained there, giving the woman a wink and a smile, then said, “Sister, I have an idea. We’re out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let’s pretend we’re married.” The nun purred, “Sounds good to me.” To which the priest yelled out, “Okay then – get up and get your own stupid blanket!” |
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Kevin*and Peter*were identical twins. Kevin*owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unknown to him, his brother Peter’s*wife had died suddenly in his absence.
When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery store. A kind old woman there mistook him for Peter*and said, “I’m so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible.” Kevin, thinking she was talking about his boat said, “Hell no! Fact is, I’m sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.” “I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn’t very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle.” |
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A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.
There’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments. He hears a priest come in. “Father, forgive me for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.” The priest replies, “Get out, you idiot. You’re on my side!” |
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When one Dad married a younger woman, he thought it would be a great idea to bring his new wife to his daughter’s wedding. This seems perfectly normally in theory… but there’s just one problem.
The new wife wanted to make a statement to the mother-of-the-bride. That was the wrong move, and things were about to get real ugly… With Jennifer’s wedding day getting closer, nothing could make the excited bride lose momentum. Not even her parents’ divorce. Jennifer’s mom had found the perfect dress and would look like a beautiful mother-of-the-bride on her daughter’s big day. But just one week later, Jennifer discovered that her father’s 25-year-old wife had bought the exact same dress as her mom… So she asked her stepmom to return it but the young wife refused. “No way! I look amazing in this dress, and I’m wearing it,” she replied. Jennifer broke the bad news to her mother but the matron took it surprisingly well. “Don’t worry, darling. I’ll just find a new dress. It’s your special day and this won’t get in the way.” Just a few days later, they went shopping and found another beautiful dress. When they got home, Jennifer asked her mom, “When will you return the other dress? You don’t really have another reason to wear it anytime soon.” “Of course I do!,” her mom replied. “I’m going to wear it for the rehearsal dinner the night before your wedding.” |
Re: Joke of the Day
When one Dad married a younger woman, he thought it would be a great idea to bring his new wife to his daughter’s wedding. This seems perfectly normally in theory… but there’s just one problem.
The new wife wanted to make a statement to the mother-of-the-bride. That was the wrong move, and things were about to get real ugly… With Jennifer’s wedding day getting closer, nothing could make the excited bride lose momentum. Not even her parents’ divorce. Jennifer’s mom had found the perfect dress and would look like a beautiful mother-of-the-bride on her daughter’s big day. But just one week later, Jennifer discovered that her father’s 25-year-old wife had bought the exact same dress as her mom… So she asked her stepmom to return it but the young wife refused. “No way! I look amazing in this dress, and I’m wearing it,” she replied. Jennifer broke the bad news to her mother but the matron took it surprisingly well. “Don’t worry, darling. I’ll just find a new dress. It’s your special day and this won’t get in the way.” Just a few days later, they went shopping and found another beautiful dress. When they got home, Jennifer asked her mom, “When will you return the other dress? You don’t really have another reason to wear it anytime soon.” “Of course I do!,” her mom replied. “I’m going to wear it for the rehearsal dinner the night before your wedding.” |
Re: Joke of the Day
Last week Miss Smith checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, a dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum... She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call. "Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?..." Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I saw your ad in the yellow pages and understand you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything. I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?" He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to dial “9” for an outside line Miss Smith." |
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"Daddy, why do people hang horses?" asked my daughter.
"Nobody hangs horses, darling," I consoled her in my lap. "Who told you that people hang horses?" "I just heard mummy on the phone saying that her new boss was hung like a horse." |
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Why are Alabama weddings so small?
They only have to invite one family. |
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I lost my job at the hospital today for sexual assault...
It's not my fault that they put up a sign that said "Stroke patients downstairs" |
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Q: What do you get when you cross human DNA with goat DNA?
A: Thrown out of the petting zoo... |
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At a wedding reception, the best man said, "Would all the married men please stand next to the person that makes their lives worth living".
The poor bartender was nearly crushed to death. |
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"Sad but True".
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John went to visit his 90-year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area.
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?" His grandfather replied, They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny! For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?" Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!" Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car." Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted, "Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!" |
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A man was visiting his comatose wife at the hospital. It had been months, and distraught that she hadn't gotten any better, he asked the Dr if there was any hope for a recovery.
"Well" said the Dr, "there's one more thing you can try. There have been some cases in the past where oral sex has brought patients out of a coma. If you want to try that, I'll arrange for some privacy and check back this afternoon." "Yes!" said the husband. "I'll try anything at this point". The Dr left the room and the husband proceeded to take the Dr's advice. Moments later, the husband came bursting out of the room, yelling "Dr! Dr!" Excited, the Dr asked "What happened? What happened? Did it work?" The man said "Well, I don't know if it worked. But she gagged, and that's whole lot more than she's done since she's been here!" Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk |
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Woo hoo! Crusader's on a roll! Complete with awesome signature and everything!
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Cougar sleeping
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If I had a band, I would call it Wagon. That way all our fans would be band wagon fans...
Ba dum tssss. |
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Women...
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I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said. "Come on, tell me - when was I born"? I said, “Yesterday." Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk |
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A lawyer is sitting in his parked BMW when a tow truck crashes into the car. The crash takes car door clean off and the driver speeds away. The lawyer immediately signals a cop and begins ranting about how much the damage to his car is going to cost. The cop replies, "You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is money." The lawyer says, "How DARE you call me materialistic." The cop replies, "Well, you've been so concerned about your car that you didn't notice that your arm is missing." The lawyer screams, "F**K! My Rolex!"
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I was sitting next to this really hot Thai girl on the bus and all I could think to myself was, "Don't get an erection, don't get an erection"... but she did.
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What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing
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It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of an Irish pub.
An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water. A curious gentleman asked what he was doing. 'Fishing,' replied the old man. 'Poor old fool' thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub. Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, ‘And how many have you caught?' 'You're the eighth.' |
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An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.
'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?' The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.' 'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.' 'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.' 'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad. Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.' 'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !!! |
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"Ma'am, I'd like to order a Guiness."
-"You must be Irish." "Oh, so ordering a Guiness makes me Irish? If I ordered a Pizza, would you assume I'm Italian?" -"I didn't..." "And if I ordered a Bratwurst, would that make me German?" -"No, but..." "So why exactly do you think I'm Irish then?" -"Sir, this is a book store." |
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An Irish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire. "Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said. The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday. After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any hair "down there. " She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself." So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?" "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?" "Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very generously indeed. The girl finished her bath and went to bed. Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?" "Yes," he said, "but why did you have to show her yours." "Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before." "I know," he said, "but the entire dart team hadn't!" |
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Joke of the year
The Falcons The end |
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A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially’ and 'realistically'?'
The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that. So the boy went to his mother and said 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' The mother replied 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids' to a great University!' The boy then went to his sister and asked 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' The girl replied 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt. I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?' The boy then went to his brother and asked 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' 'Of course' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?' The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between potentially' and realistically'?' The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially' you and I are sitting on three million dollars. But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a queer.' |
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A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Larry says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane." The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson "And how about you, Sarah?" "I wanna be Larry's whore" Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G891A using Tapatalk |
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