Wilde18

Awesome!

Crusader

On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed (sigh).

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year lifespan."
The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So this is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; then for next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

Crusader

A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. So he decides to try it out at dinner.
DAD: Son, where were you today during school?
SON: At school *robot slaps son*
SON: Ok, I went to the movies.
DAD: Which one?
SON: Toy Story *robot slaps son again*
SON: Ok, it was A Day with a Porn Star.
DAD: WHAT?! When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was. *Robot slaps dad*
MOM: HAHA!! After all he is your son, *Robot slaps mom*

WhoDat!656

A man in a hot air balloon was lost. He saw a woman and lowered the balloon to ask for help.

He told her he had promised to meet a friend in an hour and he didnt know where he was.

The woman said, "You are in a hot air balloon about 100 feet above the ground. You are located on the 49th degree of latitude and on the 8th degree of longitude."

"You must be an engineer", said the balloonist.

"I am", the woman responded. "How did you know?"

"Well, everything you told me was technically correct, but I can't do anything with this information. And I still don't know where I am. Frankly, you have not been much help and have delayed my journey."

The woman said, "You must be holding a position in management."

"That's right" answered the ballonist. "But how did you know that?"

"Well, you know neither where you are or where you are going. A large amount of hot air brought you to your current position. You made a promise and don't have the slightest idea how to keep it, and now you expect the people below you to solve your problem. Its a simple fact that you face the same circumstances as before we met, but somehow I am responsible for it!"

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

Crusader

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.
... She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "That's really not so bad."
When her two daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband 'Keith' came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,
"Hi, Keith!"

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

WhoDat!656

Obama wakes up one night and see George Washington's ghost. He says, "George, how can I help the country?"

Washington replies, "Be honest with the people like I was!"

Obama goes back to sleep and wakes up again. This time he sees Thomas Jefferson's ghost. He says, "Tom how can I help the country?"

Jefferson says, "Love the Constitution like I did!"

Waking up again, Obama sees Abe Lincoln's ghost and asks, "Abe, how can I help the country?"

Abe says, "Go see a play!"

Crusader

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes down stairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of
coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?"
he asks solemnly. The wife is touched thinking her
husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside
him. The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a
shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my
daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

Crusader

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, ...'How about that?... I just ordered a glass of champagne too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer said.... 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating.'

This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.'

'What a coincidence!' said the farmer... As they clinked glasses he added,... 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence!' said the man.... 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' said the woman.... 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said...... 'What a coincidence!'

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

saintfan

The Queen's Riddle

Barack Obama met with the Queen of England.

He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? What tips can you give to me?"

"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony , your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister.
Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice presidential choice the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child.
It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer

Finally, Biden ran into Sarah Palin out eating one night. Biden asked, "Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Sarah Palin answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!"

Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Sarah Palin!"

Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face,"No! You idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

C'mon Man...

Crusader

So after I showered yesterday I was drying my dick with the blowdryer.
My wife walked in and asked me what the hell I was doing.
Apparently "heating your dinner" was not the right answer...