Crusader

There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.

Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. "He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."

She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.

Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."
With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.

The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said.

She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

Crusader

The missus came home steaming drunk last night.
"You up for some role play action, babe?" she asked with a wink.
"Not really," I replied.
"Oh, come on," she said. "We can act out ANY scene, from ANY film you want."
Walking over to her with a huge smile on my face, I noticed her expression change. She had realised her mistake, however it was too late. Where I had previously seen arousal in her eyes, I now saw only blind terror...

As I shouted, "THIS... IS... SPARTA!" and kicked her down the stairs.

Crusader

Two guys chatting in the bar and one asked his friend: "How did that date go with that girl the other night

"well", he replied, "You know I get a boner every time I see her?"

"yes?"

"I had an idea to duct tape it to my leg. So I turn up to her house and she opens the door and she's wearing this really sexy dress"

"Then what happened?"

"I kicked her in the face."

Crusader

My girlfriend has been working as a magician's assistant for a few years now & she's picked up a few tricks...I came home from work early the other day to find her dressed in her magician assistants little sexy outfit. She said, "Abracadabra!" and me mate Dave came out of the wardrobe stark bollock naked.... poor Dave must've wondered what the **** was going on...

Crusader

"What do we get from the hen?" asks the teacher.

"Eggs," says Little Susie.

"Good. And what do we get from the sheep?"

"Wool," says Little Susie.

"Good. And what do we get from the cow?"

"F*cking homework," says Little Johnny.

Crusader

Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for many years. Two days before the trip this year, Kevin's wife puts her foot down and says that he isn't going.
Kevin's buddies are very dissapointed, but what can they do?
Two days later the three friends get to the camp site and find Kevin sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and a stew cooking on the fire.
"****, Kevin how long have you been here?"
"Yeah?! How did you get your wife to let you go?"
Kevin said, "Well, I've been here since last night. After dinner at home yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me, put her hands over my eyes, and said, 'guess who?'"
"I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing sexy brand new lingerie. She said she'd been reading 50 shades of grey and she had a devilish look in her eye."
"So she grabs my hand, and takes me up to the bedroom, where she set up all these candles and rose petals. She climbs onto the bed and pulls out these handcuffs and ropes, and tells me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed...so I did."

"Then she tells me to blindfold her, and do whatever I want...

...soo, here I am."

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

Crusader

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!” The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?”

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

WhoDat!656

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying:

‘God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa.’

The father asked, ‘Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?’

The little girl said, ‘I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.’

The next day grandpa died.

The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this:

‘God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.

’The next day the grandmother died.

‘Holy s***!’ thought the father, “this kid is in contact with the other side.”

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:

‘God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy.’

He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.

He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said ‘I’ve never seen you work so late, what’s the matter?’ He said ‘ I don’t want to talk about it; I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.’

She said, ‘You think you had a bad day, you’ll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead right in the middle of my lesson!”

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

WhoDat!656

President Bush and VP Cheney are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and sees them... “Wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?”

Bush says, “We’re planning WW III.”

The guy says, “Really? What’s going to happen?”

Bush says, “Well, we’re going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big boobs.”

The guy exclaimed, “A blonde with big boobs? Why kill a blonde with big boobs?”

Cheney looks at Bush and says:

“See. I told you, no one gives a crap about the 140 million Muslims.”

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

Crusader

A man boarded a plane with six kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, “Are all of those kids yours?” He replied, “No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.”