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Joke of the Day

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Old 08-30-2013, 07:22 AM   #771
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Re: Joke of the Day

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Old 09-03-2013, 05:18 PM   #772
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Re: Joke of the Day

A young Chinese couple get married. She's a virgin & they are both waiters (truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that). On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets, as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

"My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows, and he waits patiently and eagerly for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls ... Nummaa 69".

More thoughtful silence, but this time from him.
Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her...

"So... You want ... Garlic Chicken with Corrifrowa?"
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Last edited by foreverfan; 09-03-2013 at 05:43 PM..
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Old 09-04-2013, 03:17 AM   #773
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Re: Joke of the Day

An old Italian gentleman lived alone in New Jersey.He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,Don’t dig up that garden. That’ s where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. The next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie
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Old 09-07-2013, 05:11 PM   #774
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Re: Joke of the Day

A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'
Clearing his throat, he stammered... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... that was me.'
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Old 09-07-2013, 05:34 PM   #775
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Re: Joke of the Day

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman And she was upset.

‘You are a disrespectful pig!’ she cried. ‘How dare you do this to me — a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away !

And the husband replied, ‘Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.

‘Go ahead,’ she sobbed,’ but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!’

And the husband began — ‘Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift.

She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.

She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight.

The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, whi ch you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.

‘The husband took a quick breath and continued – ‘She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, ‘Please, Do you have Anything else that your wife doesn’t use?

And that’s how we ended up in bed......

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Old 09-07-2013, 05:51 PM   #776
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Re: Joke of the Day

Obama: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
*Nobody stands up*
Obama: "I'm sure there are some stupid people over here!!"
*Reporter Johnny stands up*
Obama: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
Reporter Johnny: "No... I just feel bad that you're standing alone..."
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Old 09-09-2013, 10:54 AM   #777
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Re: Joke of the Day

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says, "You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!!!!"

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Old 09-10-2013, 04:19 PM   #778
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Re: Joke of the Day

When you occasionally have a really bad
day and you just need to take it out on
someone, don’t take it out on someone
you know, take it out on someone you
don’t know.
I was sitting in my front room when I
remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to
make. I found the number and dialed it. A
man answered.
I politely said, ‘Hello, this is David. Could I
please speak with Robyn?’
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my
ear ‘Get the right number!’ and the phone
was slammed down on me.
I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so
rude. When I tracked down Robyn’s
correct number to call her, I found that I
had accidentally transposed the last two
digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to
call the ‘wrong’ number again.
When the same guy answered the phone,
I yelled ‘You’re an a**hole!’ and hung up. I
wrote his number down with the word
‘a**hole’ next to it, and put it in my cell
phone.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying
bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him
up and yell, ‘You’re an a**hole!’
It always cheered me right up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought
my therapeutic ‘a**hole calling’ would
have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, ‘Hi, this
is John Smith from Verizon. I’m calling to
see if you’re familiar with our Caller ID
Program?’
He yelled ‘NO!’ and slammed down the
phone.
I quickly called him back and said, ‘That’s
because you’re an a**hole!’
One day I was at the store, getting ready
to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and
pulled into the spot I had patiently waited
for. I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been
waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored
me. I noticed a ‘For Sale’ sign in his back
window which included his phone
number, so I wrote down the number.
A couple of days later, right after calling
the first a**hole (I had his number on
speed dial) I thought that I’d better call
the BMW a**hole, too. I said, ‘Is this the
man with the black BMW for sale?’
‘Yes, it is’, he said.
‘Can you tell me where I can see it?’ I
asked.
‘Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Drive, in Eagle
River. It’s a yellow house, and the car’s
parked right out in front.’
‘What’s your name?’ I asked.
‘My name is Don Hansen,’ he said.
‘When’s a good time to catch you, Don?’
‘I’m home every evening after five.’
‘Listen, Don, can I tell you something?’
‘Yes?’
‘Don, you’re an a**hole!’ Then I hung up.
Now, when I had a particularly bad day, I
had two a**holes to call.
Then I came up with an idea. I called
a**hole #1.
‘Hello.’
‘You’re an a**hole!’ (but I didn’t hang up)
‘Are you still there?’ he asked.
‘Yeah,’ I said.
‘Stop calling me!’, he screamed.
‘Make me,’ I said.
‘Who are you?’ he asked.
‘My name is Don Hansen.’
‘Yeah? Where do you live?’
‘I live at 34 Mowbray Drive, Eagle River, a
yellow house, with my black Beamer
parked in front, a**hole.’
He said, ‘I’m coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your
prayers.’
I said, ‘Yeah, like I’m really scared,
a**hole,’ and hung up.
Then I called a**hole #2. ‘Hello?’ he said.
‘Hello, a**hole,’ I said.
He yelled, ‘If I ever find out who you
are…’
‘You’ll what?’ I said!
‘I’ll kick your ass,’ he exclaimed.
I answered, ‘Well, a**hole, here’s your
chance. I’m coming over right now.’
Then I hung up and immediately called
the police, saying that I lived at 34
Mowbray Drive, Eagle River, and that I
was on my way over there to kill my gay
lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the
gang war going down in Mowbray Drive,
Eagle River.
I quickly got into my car and headed over
to Mowbray Drive.
I got there just in time to watch two
a**holes beating the crap out of each
other in front of six cop cars, an
overhead police helicopter and a news
crew.
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Old 09-17-2013, 02:05 PM   #779
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Re: Joke of the Day

27 Reasons Why Parents Shouldn
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Old 09-18-2013, 09:48 PM   #780
 
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Re: Joke of the Day

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