Crusader

Dad : Hey son, do you wanna hear a joke?
Son : Sure!
Dad : Sex
Son : I don't get it..
Dad : And you never will.

Crusader

There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he’d try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, the old man.

“Well, I don’t really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don’t know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except …” said the old man, and then he stopped.

“Except what?” asked the businessman.
“Nothing, nothing,” said the old man.
“C’mon, tell me! I need something!” protested the businessman.
“Well, sir, I don’t usually mention this, but there is the ‘voodoo dick,’” the old man said.
“So what’s up with this voodoo dick?” the businessman asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, “Big ****ing deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!” The old man said, “But you haven’t seen what it’ll do yet.”
He pointed to a door and said “Voodoo dick, the door.” The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle.
Before the door could split, the old man said, “Voodoo dick, get back in your box!” The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

The businessman said, “I’ll take it!” The old man resisted and said it wasn’t for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, “Voodoo dick, my *****.” He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.

After he’d been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said “Voodoo dick, my *****!” The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she’d ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she’d had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting.

She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman.

He asked for her license, and then asked how much she’d had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn’t been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her *****, and wouldn’t stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, “Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!”

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

Crusader

Sixth grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class: "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?" Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way.

"Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?" Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "How dare you ask such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!"

Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted. She asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand. "Yes, Sam?" says Mrs. Sampson.

"Ma'am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye." "Very good, Sam. Thank you." Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says,

"Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: first, it's clear that you have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

Crusader

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender replies "$1".

The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender reply's "$5".

The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place".

The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife". The guy looks all confused then asks "What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?" The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

Crusader

A man is lying on the beach, sun bathing, wearing nothing but a cap over his dick. An ugly woman is passing and remarks "If you were a gentleman, you would lift your hat for a lady ...

"He replies "If you were any sort of lady, the hat would lift itself!"

foreverfan

foreverfan

A black nun and a White nun are walking through Central Park at night when 2 black men jump out and start raping them. The white nun prayed out loud, "Oh, forgive them, Lord, for they know not what they do." The black nun exclaims, "Mine sure do!"

Crusader

My girlfriend asked me to show more interest in her family.


So I banged her sister.

Crusader

My dick was in the Guinness book of records.


Until the librarian kicked me out of the library.

WhoDat!656

A man walks comes home and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada. I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!"


Hearing that, her husband starts packing his suitcase.

She asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year."