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Re: Joke of the Day
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Re: Joke of the Day
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking
beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Oriental man, clutching a clip board and yelling, “You sign! You sign!” Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the man starts to yell louder, “You sign! You sign!” Nelson says to him, “Look, you’ve obviously got the wrong man”, and shuts the door in his face. The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Oriental guy is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson’s nose, yelling, “You sign! You sign!” Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little man back, shouting: “‘Look, go away! You’ve got the wrong man. I don’t want them!” Then he slams the door in his face again. The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, “You sign! You sign!” Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him: “Look, I don’t want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Whom do you want to give these to?” The little man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: “You not Nissan Main Deala |
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Re: Joke of the Day
Cube he Sentra Versa Note to the wrong guy and got his Altima Coupe..d.
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I'll apologize in advance. It's been a very, very long day.
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Re: Joke of the Day
A husband and wife are shopping in their local HEB. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in the cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies. "Put them back, we can't afford them", demands the wife. They carry on with their shopping. A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband. "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife. Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price." When the paramedics arrived the man was face down on Aisle 5. |
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Re: Joke of the Day
Recently, Arizona college professors were polled regarding their position on the 2010 immigration law (SB1070) that was overturned by the US Supreme Court.
60% agreed with the principals of the law. 40% said "no hablo Inglés" |
Re: Joke of the Day
Recently, Arizona college professors were polled regarding their position on the 2010 immigration law (SB1070) that was overturned by the US Supreme Court.
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Re: Joke of the Day
Two guys are walking through the woods and come across a deep hole.
"Wow.....that looks deep." "Sure does.... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is." They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait....no noise. "Geez. That is REALLY deep..here..throw one of these great big rocks down there. That should make a noise." They pick up a couple of football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait...and wait. Nothing. They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over there in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise." The two drag the heavy tie over the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole. Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, goes right past them, running as fast as its legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole. The two men are astonished with what they've just seen. Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. "Hey..have you two guys seen my goat out there?" "You bet we did! Craziest thing I've ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!" The farmer says, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie." |
Re: Joke of the Day
It was the first day back at school in Birmingham, England and the teacher began calling out the names of the pupils.
“Mustafa al Eih Zeri?” - “Here.” “Achmed El Kabul?” - “Here.” “Fatima Bin Pardin? “ - “Here.” “Ali Abdul Olmi?” - “Here.” “Mohammed Bin Kadir?” - “Here.” “Ali Son al En?” - Silence in the classroom. “Ali Son al En?”- Continued silence, as everyone looked around the room . The teacher repeated the call, “Ali Son al En?” Then a girl stood up and said, “Teacher, I think that’s me. It’s pronounced Allison Allen.” |
Re: Joke of the Day
I want to nominate my daughter for Ebola Czar.
Her recommendation for controlling the spread of the disease is very simple, yet effective "If it's wet and it isn't yours.....don't touch it." |
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Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.
One is from Chicago, another is from Kentucky, and the third is from New Orleans. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The New Orleans contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring,then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $9,000. That's$4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me." The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says,"I can do this job for $7,000. That's $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the WhiteHouse official and whispers, "$27,000." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure? "The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$10,000 for me, $10,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Kentucky to fix the fence." |
Re: Joke of the Day
For some reason I can't help but think that this is how things have been working on the inside of the fence these last few years.
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Early one morning an elderly retired Marine yelled to his wife: “Honey, come see what I created! It’s an abstract panorama depicting the last 6 years of the Obama presidency”
She yelled back: “Flush the toilet and come eat your breakfast!” |
Re: Joke of the Day
A couple take their son to the circus.
After a while the father gets up to get some popcorn. While he is away the little boy notices something hanging down between the elephants legs. “Mommy, what is that hanging down on the elephant?”, the boy asks. The embarrassed mother says “Oh, that’s nothing honey”, and is relieved when the father returns with the popcorn. Not satisfied with the mother’s answer the little boy waits until his mother leaves to use the bathroom and asks his father “Dad, what is that hanging down between the elephant’s legs?”. Dad answers, “ That’s the elephant’s penis”. The little boy says, “Well how come when I asked mom she said that it was nothing?”. Dad leans back and says “Son, I’ve spoiled that woman.” |
Re: Joke of the Day
A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"
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A Marine enters the Catholic Church confessional booth in Jacksonville.
He tells the priest, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night, I beat the crap out of an Obama supporter." The priest says, "My son, I am here to forgive your sins, not to discuss your community service." |
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A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street.
Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Mexican is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want." The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila." Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me pee tequila." The Genie grants him his wish. When the Mexican gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees in it. He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like tequila. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like tequila. So, he takes a taste and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted. The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuela, Consuela, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Mexican takes another glass out of the cupboard and fills it. He tells her to drink it. It is tequila. Consuela is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best tequila she has ever tasted. The two drank and partied all night. The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to fill the two glasses. The result is the same, the tequila is excellent and the couple drinks until the sun comes up. Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home and tells his wife, "Consuela grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink tequila." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Mexican begins to fill the glass and when he fills it, his wife asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?" Pancho raised the glass and says, "Because tonight mi amor, you drink from the Bottle. Arriba !!! |
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Two Italians, Luigi and Antonio, met on the street.
"Hey, Antonio," said Luigi. "Where you been for the past two weeks? No one seen you around." "Donna talka to me, Luigi," replied Antonio. "I been inna da jail." "Jail!" exclaimed Luigi. "What for you been in jail for?" "Wella, Luigi," Antonio said, "I was lying onna da beach, and the cops come, arresta me and throw me inna jail." "But dey donna throw you in jail just for lying onna da beach!" Luigi countered. "Yeah, but dissa beach was ascreamin' and akickin' and ayellin'." |
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Re: Joke of the Day
What's the difference between sin and shame? It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
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Re: Joke of the Day
A young woman goes to church and confesses her sins to the priest.
"Oh, Father, last night my boyfriend made hot, passionate love to me seven times," she says. The priest thinks about this long and hard and says, "Take seven lemons and squeeze the juice into a tall glass and drink it." "Will this cleanse my soul of my sins?" "No," the priest says, "but it'll wipe that smile off your face!" |
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Q: Why do some blondes only think about sex?
A: They're dirty blondes. |
Re: Joke of the Day
A man went over to his girl's place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom -- gold, silver, or bronze.
"Silver," she said. "Why not gold?" "Because I want you to come second for once!" |
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Q: What do you call a bunch of blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel. |
Re: Joke of the Day
A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job.
The manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says, “Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota.” The manager was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he’d give him a shot, so he gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.” His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down to the sales floor to check on how the kid did on his first day. “How many customers bought something from you today?” The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, “One”. The manager replies, “Just one?!!? Our employees average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change and soon if you’d like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you’re not on the farm anymore, son.” The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes. The manager felt kind of bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), “So, how much was your one sale for?” The kid looks up at his manager and says “$101,237.65”. The manager, astonished, says, “$101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?” The kid says, “Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then, I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then, I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat. We went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.” The manager said “A guy came in here to buy fish hooks, and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK!?” The kid said, “No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should go fishing.’” |
Re: Joke of the Day
A group of golfing buddies, all in their 40's, discussed where they
should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because it wasn't far from the course, the waitresses were young, good looking, showed lots of cleavage and wore short-shorts. Ten years later, at age 50, the golfing buddies once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the food and service was good, they had many televisions to watch the games on, and the beer selection was excellent. Ten years later, at age 60, the gang again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace, and it was good value for the money. Ten years later, at age 70, they discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled. Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because they didn't t think the group had ever been there before. |
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Re: Joke of the Day
A guy walked into a bar and saw three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.
The guy asked, pointing to the raw T-Bones: “What’s that about?” The bartender replied: “Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. But, if you miss, you pay for everyone’s drinks for the next hour. You wanna do it?” The guy replied: “Nah, the steaks are too high.” |
Re: Joke of the Day
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Re: Joke of the Day
Guy walks into a bar and trailing behind is an old, mangy dog who promptly curls up in a corner and goes to sleep as the guy is bellying up to the bar.
Bartender comes over and says: “No dogs allowed in here, you’ll have to put him outside.” Guy says: “You can see he’s an old dog, it’s cold out there and I take him everywhere. If he can do a trick you like will you let him stay?” Bartender says: “Him do a trick? That I would like to see.” Guy goes up to the dog and yells: “Navy beat Army”. Dog’s ears immediately come up, he pops up, jumps on the bar, does thirteen back flips, barks out the rhythm of Anchors Aweigh, jumps off the bar and promptly goes back to sleep in the corner. Bartender says: “That really is something – what does he do when Army beats Navy?” Guy replies: “I don’t know – he’s just thirteen years old.” |
Re: Joke of the Day
A husband went to police station to report his missing wife .
Husband: I’ve lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday and has still not come home. Sergeant: What is her height? Husband: Oh, 5 something Sergeant: Build? Husband: Not slim, not really fat. Sergeant: Color of eyes? Husband: Never noticed. Sergeant: Color of hair? Husband: Changes according to season. Sergeant: What was she wearing? Husband: Dress/suit/blue jeans — I don’t remember exactly. Sergeant: Did she go in a car? Husband: yes. Sergeant: What kind of car was it? Husband: 2015 Corvette Stingray 3LT with the Z51 Performance Package, Shark gray metallic paint, with the 6.2 liter V8 engine with Direct Injection generating 460 HP 8-speed paddle-shift automatic transmission, and GT bucket seats, and has a very thin scratch on the front left ….. (at this point the husband started crying ) Sergeant: Don’t worry sir …….. we’ll find your car .. |
Re: Joke of the Day
Muslim wife says to her husband, "You don't love me anymore".
Husband says, "Of course I do. Why would you say that"? Wife says, "You don't carry me up the stairs to bed anymore like you used to". Husband says "You're not six years old anymore". |
Re: Joke of the Day
Infidel. You make Muslim joke. I kill you.
Allahu Akbar! |
Re: Joke of the Day
Barack Obama is out on the campaign trail, and he visits a retirement home to talk about social security and medicare. He’s mingling with some of the residents and one older woman catches his eye.
He asks her, “How do you like living here?” She says, “I like it just fine.” Obama says, “So they’re treating you okay?” “Yes, everyone is very nice,” she answers. "That’s great. How’s the food?” he asks. “Fantastic. We get to eat all we want. You’d love it,” she replies. Finally Barack asks her, “Do you know who I am?” The woman looks at him for a few moments, then finally shakes her head and says, “No. But if you’re not sure either, go to the front desk and they’ll tell you.” |
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Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in said, “Let’s do it! We’ll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning.” Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, “Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can’t take her eyes off of.” The second guy says, “I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.” The third guy says “Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual.” They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds. “I can’t believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the bottom and said, ‘Well babe, Merry Christmas! It’s a great morning — intercourse or golfcourse –‘ She said, “Don’t forget your hat.” |
Re: Joke of the Day
A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural South Carolina.
Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm. The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man’s tractor. “Hank,” the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath, “Did you see this terrible accident happen?” “Yep. Sure did,” the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor’s engine. “Do you realize that is Air Force One, the airplane of the President of the United States?” “Yep.” “Were there any survivors?” “Nope. They’s all kilt straight out,” the farmer answered. “I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning.” “President Obama is dead?” the sheriff asked. “Well,” the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor, “He kept a-saying he wasn’t........But you know how much that sum***** lies.” |
Re: Joke of the Day
Some more Obummer jokes!
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Re: Joke of the Day
Harry, the newest resident at the nursing home, is an old 85-year-old man whose wife passed away a few months ago. He rarely leaves his room, while trying to adjust to nursing home life. On occasion, he is seen sitting on a couch in one of the main living rooms, staring out the window with tears in his eyes.
Delores, another resident in her 80s, noticed Harry's sobbing one afternoon. Feeling bad for him, she approached calmly and asked what was bothering him so much. "I'm so lonely," said Harry, "Without my wife here, I feel alone. Will you come sit here with me and keep me company?" Compelled to make a new friend and to ease his pain, she takes a seat next to him. His sobbing gets a bit more intense. Harry continued by saying, "Every afternoon, at about this time in the late afternoon, my wife and I would make love. We did it every day for 60 years." Delores felt pretty bad for him, but was caught off guard when he grabbed her hand and placed it on his inner thigh. After about ten minutes, Harry looked at her and asked, "Would you do me a kind favor for a lonely old man?" "Sure Harry, what is it?" asked Delores. "If I unzip my trousers, would you just hold it for a few minutes? It would really put me at ease," he said. "Oh, Harry, I don't know about that." she replied. His sobbing got even more intense. Delores was feeling really bad for him, so after a minute or so, she gave in and agreed to hold his member. At first, it was an uncomfortable feeling for her. But after a half-hour of it, she became more at ease with the idea. As the early dinner bell rang, Harry zipped back up and said, "I would really appreciate it if you would come back and meet me here again tomorrow at 4:00." She reluctantly agreed. And so it went the next day. And the next day. And the next. This went on for a couple of weeks, that they would sit on the couch, with her holding his shriveled up buddy and staring out the window together. It became something of a relationship for her - Delores was actually looking forward to it every morning she woke up. Then one afternoon at 4:00, she walked to the living room and Harry wasn't there. She checked his room to no avail. She searched the nursing home high and low, asking people if they had seen him. Finally, she found another old man who said he saw Harry sitting on the bench in the garden. So, Delores went out there and saw him sitting with another woman. As she got closer, she saw the old lady holding his member. "What the hell are you doing Harry?" she asked with an obviously angry tone. "How could you do such a thing to me? What does she have that I don't, Harry?" Harry looked up at her, and shrewdly answered, "Parkinson's" |
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