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My contribution to the thread...
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There was an Asian lady at the bank who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too" :hallucinate: |
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Been awhile since I posted on this thread
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A hooded robber burst into a bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door, a brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robbers face. The robber shot the customer without a moments hesitation. He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone in the bank, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence. The robber yelled, “Well, did anyone else see my face?” There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly to afraid to speak. Then, one old man tentatively raised his hand without looking up and said, “My wife got a pretty good look at ya.” |
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A very rich man kept a pair of lions to guard his property. Each one took turns being on duty. One night, a group of midgets tried to rob him, but the lion on patrol caught them and ate them.
When police arrived, the sergeant asked skeptically, "Well, so where is this group of midgets you say broke in?" The rich man pointed proudly to his guardians and said, "It's all in the lion of duty." |
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Since Max factor mascara apparantly makes eyelashes look three times longer they should think about starting to make condoms.
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The biggest joke in the USA is YOU if you belong to either party.
Americans elect idiots. Bush, Yourbama, Piyush... TWICE. You're the joke, Americans... and it ain't funny in the lea$t. |
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where does his dick stick in a hole which all men like to lick or in the hole that stinks like sh1t me thinks the latter which is ick but shoe pick thinks oh well this sh1t is quick :-P |
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Not for discussion on this thread. |
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A beautiful fairy appeared one day before a destitute Mexican refugee outside an Arizona immigration office. “Good man,” the fairy said, “Since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and eight children, I’ve been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes.”
The man told the fairy, “Well, where I come from we don’t have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe with a lot of gold in them.” The fairy looked at the man’s almost toothless grin and PING! he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth! “What else?” asked the fairy, “Two more to go.” The refugee claimant now got bolder. “I need a big house with a three-car garage on the water in Annapolis with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here.” PING! in the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three-car garage, a long driveway and a spectacular patio with a barbecue in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay. One more wish,” said the fairy, waving her wand. “Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes and a baseball cap instead of this sombrero. And I want to have white skin like Americans.” And PING! the man was transformed, wearing worn-out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon. “What happened to my new teeth?” he wailed. “Where’s my new house?” The fairy said, “Tough sh!+, amigo, now that you’re a white American, you have to fend for yourself.” |
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A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic Garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.” “Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and See if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer. “Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop. “ Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?” “Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right Into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you Know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my Hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I Surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.’ “Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?” “Not everybody pays.” |
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Its true, alcohol kills people.
But how many are born because of it? |
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My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy.
So I came back drunk. |
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Little Johnny went to kindergarten one day wearing an Atlanta Hawks hat.
His teacher asked why he was a Hawks fan. Little Johnny said, "Because my parents are!" His teacher said, "What would you be if you Dad was a drug dealer and your Mom was a hooker?" Johnny replied, "I would be an Atlanta Falcons fan!" |
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Getting molested by your teacher is twice as bad when you're homeschooled.
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I don't sleep around. I sleep in my bed but with different people....
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I followed my dreams like people said I should do...
...now they've got a restraining order. |
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A businessman was attending a conference in Africa. He had a free day and wanted to play a round of golf. He was directed to a golf course in the nearby jungle. After a short journey, he arrived at the course and asked the pro if he could get on.
"Sure," said the Pro, "What's your handicap?" Not wanting to admit that he had an 18 handicap, he decided to cut it a bit. "Well, its 16," said the businessman, "But what's the relevance since I'll be playing alone?" "It's very important for us to know," said the pro, who then called a caddy. "Go out with this gentleman," said the pro, "his handicap is 16." The businessman was very surprised at this constant reference to his handicap. The caddy picked up the businessman's bag and a large rifle; again the businessman was surprised but decided to ask no questions. They arrived on the 1st hole, a par 4. "Please avoid those trees on the left," said the caddy. Needless to say, the businessman duck-hooked his ball into the trees. He found his ball and was about to punch it out when he heard the loud crack of the rifle and a large snake fell dead from a tree above his head. The caddy stood next to him with the rifle smoking in his hand. "That's the mamba, the most poisonous snake in all Africa; you're lucky I was here with you." After taking a bogey, they moved to the 2nd hole, a par 5. "Avoid those bushes on the right," says the caddy. Of course, the businessman's ball went straight into the bushes. As he went to pick up his ball, he heard the loud crack of the caddy's rifle once more and a huge lion fell dead at his feet. "I've saved your life again," said the caddy. The 3rd hole was a par 3 with a lake in front of the green. The businessman's ball came up just short of the green and rolled back to the edge of the water. To take a shot, he had to stand with one foot in the lake. As he was about to swing, a large crocodile emerged from the water and bit off much of his right leg. As he fell to the ground bleeding and in great pain, he saw the caddy with the rifle propped at his side, looking on unconcernedly. "Why didn't you kill it?" asked the man incredulously. "I'm sorry, sir," said the caddy, "this is the 17th handicap hole, you don't get a shot here." |
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A man was sitting at a stoplight waiting on it to turn green.
A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-American slogans, with a half- burned American Flag duct taped on the trunk of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, stopped next to him. The light changed, the Muslims praised Allah, shook their fists, hit the gas & darted off ahead of him. Suddenly an 18-wheeler came speeding thru the intersection & ran directly over their car, crushing it completely, killing everyone in the car. For several minutes the man sat in his car thinking, "Man... that could have been me!" So today he went out and got a job as a truck driver. |
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Little Johnny stopped by the corner grocery store and read the following list to the clerk:
10 pounds sugar at $1.25 a pound, 4 pounds coffee at $1.50 a pound, 2 pounds butter at $1.10 a pound, 2 bars soap at $.83 each. "How much does that come to?" asked Johnny. "Twenty-two dollars and thirty-six cents." replied the clerk. "If I gave you three ten dollar bills, how much change would I get?" said the boy. "Seven dollars and sixty-four cents," stated the clerk who appeared to be irritated by all the questions. Johnny said, as he left the store, "Thanks!...that's our arithmetic lesson for tomorrow, and I needed some help with it." |
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BRITISH HUMOR
The train was quite crowded and a U.S. Marine walked the entire length of the train looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle aged French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am may I have that seat"? The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat". The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. Please Ma'am, may I sit down, I'm very tired?. She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude you are also arrogant". This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down. The woman shrieked "Someone must defend my honor! This American should be put in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing." You hold your fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road." "And now Sir you seem to have thrown the wrong BlTCH out the window". |
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A German woman married an American gentleman and they lived happily ever after in his home town.
The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher counter and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs. Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts. On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store... scroll down. Her husband speaks English....hellooo! |
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Also known as...
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Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.
As they walk, they come across a sign: “Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world. “I am entering” said Snow White. After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, “Well, how’d ya do? “ First Place ,” said Snow White...and Pinocchio and Superman congratulated Snow White. They continue walking and they see a sign: “Contest for the strongest man in the world.” “I’m entering,” says Superman. After half an hour he returns and they ask him, “How did you make out?” “ First Place ,” answers Superman. “Did you ever doubt?” Again, congratulations from the other two. They continue walking when they see a sign: “Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?” Pinocchio says “this is mine” Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes. “What happened?” asked Snow White and Superman. “Who the hell is Obama?” asked Pinocchio. |
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David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex...
#10... A below par performance is considered damn good. #09... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers. #08... It's much easier to find the sweet spot. #07... Foursomes are encouraged, even some threesomes. #06... You can still make money doing it as a senior. #05... Three times a day is possible. #04... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else. #03... If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day. #02... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished. And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex..... #01... When your equipment gets old you can replace it! |
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A prostitute told me she'd do anythig for $10.
Guess who just got his car washed? |
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My lesbian neighbours asked me what I wanted for my birthday.
They gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch". |
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Old Boudreaux died and went to the pearly gates. St. Pete was just waiting for him to get there. When they met up, St. Pete said, "Whoa, Boudreaux, I can't let you pass through the gates until you answer three questions." Old educated Boudreaux say, "Go ahead, St. Pete, give me your best shot," St. Pete say, "O.K., Boudreaux, question number one. How many seconds do they have in a year?" Boudreaux say, "Aw, that's easy, St. Pete, twelve." St. Pete say, "Boudreaux, how did you get twelve?" Boudreaux say, "Jan second, Feb second, etc." St. Pete say, "Boudreaux, that's not quite what I'm looking for, but I'll let you slide. Question number two. How many days do they have in a week?" Boudreaux say, "That's easy, St. Pete, two." St. Pete say, "Boudreaux, where you get two from?" Boudreaux say, "Today and tomorrow." St. Pete say, "Boudreaux, that's not quite what I'm looking for. Now Boudreaux, this last question you have to get it right or I can't let you into heaven. Who is our father?" Boudreaux say, "That's easy, St. Pete, Howard." St. Pete say, "Where did you get Howard from, Boudreaux?" "Our father who art in heaven, Howard be thy name.
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One day Boudreaux saw Thibodeaux and asked him why he was so bruised up. Thibodeaux replied that he had been riding a bull, and his foot got stuck when he fell off. The bull kept dragging him around until the Wal-Mart manager came and unplugged it.
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BREAKING NEWS!
Walt Disney's new film called "Jet Black" (the non-racist version of "Snow White") has been put on hold. All of the 7 dwarfs : Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Car Jack, Drive By, Pimp and MoFo, have refused to sing "Hi Hoe" They also say they have no intention of "Going off to work". |
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