Crusader

Getting molested by your teacher is twice as bad when you're homeschooled.

Crusader

I don't sleep around. I sleep in my bed but with different people....

Crusader

I followed my dreams like people said I should do...

...now they've got a restraining order.

WhoDat!656

A businessman was attending a conference in Africa. He had a free day and wanted to play a round of golf. He was directed to a golf course in the nearby jungle. After a short journey, he arrived at the course and asked the pro if he could get on.

"Sure," said the Pro, "What's your handicap?"

Not wanting to admit that he had an 18 handicap, he decided to cut it a bit. "Well, its 16," said the businessman, "But what's the relevance since I'll be playing alone?"

"It's very important for us to know," said the pro, who then called a caddy. "Go out with this gentleman," said the pro, "his handicap is 16."

The businessman was very surprised at this constant reference to his handicap. The caddy picked up the businessman's bag and a large rifle; again the businessman was surprised but decided to ask no questions.

They arrived on the 1st hole, a par 4. "Please avoid those trees on the left," said the caddy. Needless to say, the businessman duck-hooked his ball into the trees. He found his ball and was about to punch it out when he heard the loud crack of the rifle and a large snake fell dead from a tree above his head. The caddy stood next to him with the rifle smoking in his hand. "That's the mamba, the most poisonous snake in all Africa; you're lucky I was here with you."

After taking a bogey, they moved to the 2nd hole, a par 5.

"Avoid those bushes on the right," says the caddy. Of course, the businessman's ball went straight into the bushes. As he went to pick up his ball, he heard the loud crack of the caddy's rifle once more and a huge lion fell dead at his feet. "I've saved your life again," said the caddy.

The 3rd hole was a par 3 with a lake in front of the green. The businessman's ball came up just short of the green and rolled back to the edge of the water. To take a shot, he had to stand with one foot in the lake. As he was about to swing, a large crocodile emerged from the water and bit off much of his right leg.

As he fell to the ground bleeding and in great pain, he saw the caddy with the rifle propped at his side, looking on unconcernedly. "Why didn't you kill it?" asked the man incredulously. "I'm sorry, sir," said the caddy, "this is the 17th handicap hole, you don't get a shot here."

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

WhoDat!656

A man was sitting at a stoplight waiting on it to turn green.

A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-American slogans, with a half- burned American Flag duct taped on the trunk of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, stopped next to him.

The light changed, the Muslims praised Allah, shook their fists, hit the gas & darted off ahead of him.

Suddenly an 18-wheeler came speeding thru the intersection & ran directly over their car, crushing it completely, killing everyone in the car.

For several minutes the man sat in his car thinking, "Man... that could have been me!"

So today he went out and got a job as a truck driver.

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

WhoDat!656

Little Johnny stopped by the corner grocery store and read the following list to the clerk:
10 pounds sugar at $1.25 a pound,
4 pounds coffee at $1.50 a pound,
2 pounds butter at $1.10 a pound,
2 bars soap at $.83 each.

"How much does that come to?" asked Johnny.

"Twenty-two dollars and thirty-six cents." replied the clerk.

"If I gave you three ten dollar bills, how much change would I get?" said the boy.

"Seven dollars and sixty-four cents," stated the clerk who appeared to be irritated by all the questions.

Johnny said, as he left the store, "Thanks!...that's our arithmetic lesson for tomorrow, and I needed some help with it."

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

TheOak

foreverfan

BRITISH HUMOR

The train was quite crowded and a U.S. Marine walked the entire length of the train looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle aged French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am may I have that seat"?

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat".

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

Please Ma'am, may I sit down, I'm very tired?.

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude you are also arrogant".

This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.

The woman shrieked "Someone must defend my honor! This American should be put in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing."

You hold your fork in the wrong hand.

You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road."

"And now Sir you seem to have thrown the wrong BlTCH out the window".

2019 Death of a Parrot.

foreverfan

foreverfan