dam1953

Tax return submitted by a New Jersey person

The IRS returned a tax return to a man in New Jersey after
he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly.

In response to question 23: "Do you have anyone dependent on you?"

The man wrote: "21 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack-heads,
4.4 million unemployable scroungers, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons,
plus 650 idiots in Washington, and the entire group that call themselves politicians".
On the returned form, someone at the IRS had attached a Post-it Note beside the question with an arrow and the words: “Your response to question 23 is unacceptable.”
The man sent it back to the IRS with his response on the bottom of the
Post It Note:

"Who’d I leave out?"

”It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.” Charles Darwin

WhoDat!656

A dumb blonde calls her neighbor and says,
Please come over here and help me. I have a really hard jigsaw puzzle,
and I can’t figure out how to get started.

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?"

The dumb blonde replies "According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box,
then turns to her and says, First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not
going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.

Secondly, he said with a deep sigh, let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

WhoDat!656

Golfer: “Think I’m going to drown myself in the lake.” Caddy: “‘Think you can keep your head down that long?”

Golfer: “I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course. Caddy: “Try heaven, you’ve already moved most of the earth.”

Golfer: “Do you think my game is improving?” Caddy: “Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.

Golfer: “Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?” Caddy: “Eventually.”

Golfer: “You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world.” Caddy: “I don’t think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence.

Golfer: “Please stop checking your watch. It’s too much of a distraction.” Caddy: “It’s not a watch it’s a compass.”

Golfer: “How do you like my game?” Caddy: “Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf.”

Golfer: “Do you think it’s a sin to play on Sunday?” Caddy: “The way you play, sir, it’s a sin on any day.”

Golfer: “This is the worst course I’ve ever played on.” Caddy: “This isn’t the golf course. We left that an hour ago!”

Golfer: “That can’t be my ball, it’s too old” Caddy: “It’s been a long time since we teed off, sir.”

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

WhoDat!656

A couple on an African Safari witnessed a small antelope being chased down by a cheetah. While the kill was about to happen before their eyes, the husband casually remarked, "I'll bet the antelope gets away."

The wife answered, "If that antelope survives this one, I'll give you sex every day for the rest of your life."

WhoDat!656

Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the
new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and
valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs
and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3,
Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the
system whenever selected.
I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite
applications. I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall
doesn’t work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks, A Troubled User
REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from
Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment
program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run
EVERYTHING! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0.
It is impossible! to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this.
Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that
you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the
background application Yes Dear to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you
will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.
Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0,
Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2! However, be very careful how you use these programs.
Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens,
the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software.
I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3.
This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage
to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

44Champs

I work with a Korean guy named Kim and we went out for drinks. I asked him if he ever gets tired of westerners saying that all Asians look alike.

He answered, "Kim went to the bathroom. I'm his wife."

Sent from my SM-G981U using Tapatalk

WhoDat!656

Guy goes into a bar, there’s a robot bartender. Since the minimum wage was increased to $15 the owner had to replace his regular human bartender.

The robot says, “What will you have?”
The guy says, “Martini.”
The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, “What’s your IQ?”
The guy says, “168.”
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious. So he goes back into the bar.

The robot bartender says, “What will you have?”
The guy says, “Martini.”
Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and says, “What’s your IQ?”
The guy says, “100.”
The robot then starts to talk about NASCAR, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.
He goes back into the bar.

The robot says, “What will you have?”
The guy says, “Martini,” and the robot brings him another great martini.
The robot then says, “What’s your IQ?”
The guy says, “Uh, about 50.”
The robot leans in real close and says, “So, you people still happy you voted for Biden?

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

SmashMouth

Two nuns are sitting at a park bench. A man in a trench coat runs up and flashes them. The first nun has a stroke. The second nun tried but she couldn't reach.

SmashMouth

Why are educated people so hot?
Answer: They have more degrees.

SmashMouth

She meets St. Peter and is told that he can grant the nun one wish. The woman thinks for a bit and then says, "I'd sure like to read all of the original text of the Bible." St. Peter says "granted". St. Peter stops by after a while and sees the nun sitting there crying her eyes out. "What's wrong?", asks St. Peter. The nun looks up and says, "All these years, they’ve been leaving the R out of “celebrate.”