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I read an article that said if you drink every day you might be an alcoholic.
Thank god I only drink every night! |
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During her physical examination, a doctor asked a retired woman about her
physical activity level. The woman said she spent 3 days a week, every week in the outdoors. "Well, yesterday afternoon was typical; I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through 2 miles of brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I barely avoided stepping on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I went to the bathroom behind some big trees. I ran away from an irate mother bear and then ran away from one angry bull Elk. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank a scotch and three glasses of wine. Amazed by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoor woman!" "No," the woman replied, "I'm just a really, really lousy golfer". |
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A couple were celebrating 50 years together..
Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor. "Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one. 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift." "Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're all together today." Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you." "It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come." Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything." After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married." The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?" "Yep," said the father. "And cheap ones too." |
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A little girl asks her mom, ‘Mom, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?’ Her mom replies ‘No, because she’s in heat.’
‘What does that mean?’ asked the child. ‘Go and ask your father, I think he’s in the garage.’ The little girl goes out to the garage and says, ‘Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat and to ask you.’ He took a rag, soaked it in gasoline and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it to disguise the scent and said ‘Ok, you can go now but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.’ The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, ‘Where’s Lulu?’ The little girl said ‘She ran out of gas about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.’ |
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Little Jimmy came home from his first day of school and his mom asks him how did it go.
He told his mom, "I'm just wasting my time. I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk |
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Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom.
So Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick. Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. "I can't find it", he admitted. The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now. Billy looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way. Well five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher "I can't find it". Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who has been at the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom. So Tommy and Billy go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats. The teacher asks Tommy "Well, did you find it?" Tommy is quick with his reply: "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards." |
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At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.
Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife." |
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Yo mama is so ugly that when she goes to the therapist, he makes her lie on the couch face down.
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Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois Bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge.
So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?" She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!" While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give 'ol George here your best last kiss?" So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one. After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper. He then added, "Wow!, that was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing like a girl." It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed. |
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Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy.
One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross. The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David. Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and say’s “My poor fellow, don’t you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the Seat of Catholicism. People aren’t going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you’re sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite.” The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said, “Moshi, look who’s trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!” |
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Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy.
One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross. The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David. Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and say’s “My poor fellow, don’t you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the Seat of Catholicism. People aren’t going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you’re sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite.” The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said, “Moshi, look who’s trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!” |
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An Arab Muslim enters a taxi cab in Houma, Louisiana...
Once he is seated, he asks the Cajun taxi driver to turn off the radio, because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion. And, in the time of the Prophet there was no music, especially Western music, which is music of the infidels. And, there was CERTAINLY no radio. So the taxi driver politely switches off the radio, pulls over to the curb, gets out and opens the back door. The Arab asks him, “What are you DOING, man?!” The Cajun answers, “In da time of da Prophet dere weren’t no taxis. So you get ya ass out and wait fa a camel!” |
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Alice and Frank are bungee-jumping one day. Alice says to Frank, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico.
Frank thinks this is a great idea. So they pool their money and buy everything they'll need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on a square in a small town. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they finish, there's such a crowd they think it would be a good idea to give a demonstration. So, Alice jumps. She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Frank isn't able to catch her and she falls again, bounces, and comes back up again. This time, she is bruised and bleeding. Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounces back up. This time she comes back pretty messed up; she has a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the bungee cord was fine; it was the crowd. What in the world is a pinata? |
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Not a joke, (sadly), but still funny!!
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Let's have a look at the evidence: No Christmas No television No nude women No football No pork chops No hot dogs No burgers No beer No bacon Rags for clothes Towels for hats Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower More than one wife & more than one mother-in-law You can't shave Your wife can't shave You can't wash off the smell of donkey You cook over burning camel shyt Your wife is picked by someone else for you. Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"?? Well no ****, Sherlock!.... It's not like it could get much worse THE MUSLIMS ARE NOT HAPPY! They're not happy in Gaza They're not happy in Egypt They're not happy in Libya They're not happy in Morocco They're not happy in Iran They're not happy in Iraq They're not happy in Yemen They're not happy in Afghanistan They're not happy in Pakistan They're not happy in Syria They're not happy in Lebanon SO, WHERE ARE THEY HAPPY? They're happy in Australia They're happy in Canada They're happy in England They're happy in France They're happy in Italy They're happy in Germany They're happy in Sweden They're happy in the USA They're happy in Norway They're happy in Holland They're happy in Denmark Basically, they're happy in every country that is not Muslim, And unhappy in every country that is! AND WHO DO THEY BLAME? Not Islam. Not their leadership. Not themselves. THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN! And then they want to change those countries to be like.... THE COUNTRY THEY CAME FROM WHERE THEY WERE UNHAPPY! Excuse me, but I can't help wondering... How DAMN DUMB can you get? |
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A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.
"How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher. "I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle," said the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?" The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal." The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start." The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started." The preacher said, "I can't cuss. It's been so long since I became a Christian that I don't even remember how to cuss." The little boy looked at him happily and said, "You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya." |
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A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?" The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me." The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down." Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?" The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick". |
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She asked me to make her feel special...
...so I gave her a helmet and crayons. |
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The following questions were set in last year's examination.
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed. Q. Name the four seasons A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists Q. How is dew formed A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire Q. What causes the tides in the oceans A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election Q. What are steroids A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now, there is little hope) Q. What happens to your body as you age A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true) Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes A. Premature death Q. What is artificial insemination A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow Q. How can you delay milk turning sour A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant) Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen) A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. (wtf!) Q. What is the fibula? A. A small lie Q. What does 'varicose' mean? A. Nearby (Asian answer) Q. What is the most common form of birth control A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work) Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section' A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome Q. What is a seizure? A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit) Q. What is a terminal illness A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable) Q. What does the word 'benign' mean? A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant) :bng: |
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An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker.
"Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?" he asks. "$ 100" she replies. In broken English, he says, "Do you do immigrant style?" "No" she says. "I pay you $200 to do immigrant style." "No," she says, not knowing what immigrant style is. "I pay you $300." "No," she says. "I pay you $400." "No," she says. So finally he says, "OK, I pay $1,000 to do immigrant style." She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now.. I've had every kind of request from weirdoes from every part of the world. How bad could immigrant style be?" So she agrees and has sex with him.. Finally, after several hours, they finish. Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was ok. So, what exactly is immigrant style?" The illegal immigrant replies, "You send bill to Government." AND THAT MY, FELLOW TAXPAYERS, IS EXACTLY WHAT THE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ARE DOING TO US! :rolleyes: |
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An Aggie has his girlfriend over and they are making out.
The girlfriend says to him, "Why don't you give me a kiss between the legs?" The Aggie says, "Noooo! I know what you are going to do! You are going to bite me on the nose!" The girlfriend says, "No I'm not! Look and see!" So the Aggie looks and looks, and the girlfriend says, "See! There are no teeth down there is there!" The Aggie says, "No. And the shape them gums are in I know why!" *****If too risqué, feel free to delete**********************' |
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Dude this had me laughing so hard I was crying and the IT guys in the next room came over to see what was going on. http://www.sunsethomeservices.org/Po...augh_ha_ha.jpg |
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A few days ago, my teacher asked... what our favorite animal was?
I said, "Fried chicken." She told me, I wasn't funny. My parents told me to always tell the truth and I did. Fried chicken IS my favorite animal. She couldn't have been right, because everyone laughed. Anyways, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened and he laughed, too. Then, he told me not to do it, again. Then, I told my dad what happened. He said my teacher was probably a member of PETA and how they love animals very much. Well, I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. The next day, in class, my teacher asked what out favorite live animal was? I told her it was chicken. She asked me why? So, I told her, it's because you could make them into fried chicken. Again, she sent me to the principal's office. He laughed and told me not to do it, again. I don't understand any of this. My parents taught me to be honest. But, my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admired most? I told her, "Colonel Sanders!" Well, guess where I am now... The next day, in class, my teacher asked what out favorite live animal was? I told her it was chicken. She asked me why? So, I told her, it's because you could make them into fried chicken. Again, she sent me to the principal's office. He laughed and told me not to do it, again. I don't understand any of this. My parents taught me to be honest. But, my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admired most? I told her, "Colonel Sanders!" Well, guess where I am now... |
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A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid.. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"
"Ten," she replied. "What are their names?" he asked. "David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David," she answered. "They're all named David?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?" "Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'David,' and they all come running in." "And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?" "I just say, 'David, come eat your dinner'," she answered. "But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked. "Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!" |
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A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved 3-year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle and for fruit, cereal and soda in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Grandpa is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Tommy,we won't be long . . . easy, boy." Another outburst and she hears the grandpa calmly say: "It's okay, Tommy, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy." At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart and Grandpa says again in a controlled voice, "Tommy, Tommy relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool, Tommy boy. Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the elderly man, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying 'things would be okay...Tommy is very lucky to have you as his grandpa." "Thanks," said the grandpa, "but I'm Tommy,This wee ****'s name is Billy. |
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Employee : Sir, you called me?
Boss : Yeah,go to the rest room and masturbate. Employee : (After few mins) ,done sir Boss : Do it again. Employee : Done again, sir. Boss : Do it once more Employee : Now I don't have stamina for it, sir. Boss : Very good,here are my car keys, drop my daughter at home. |
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The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
“What happened?” she asks anxiously. “What happened!! I’ll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found ? Yes, your daughter, my Jean, with a naked guy in our bed! This is unforgiveable, the end of our marriage. I’m done. I’m leaving forever!” “Calm down, calm down!” says his mother-in-law. “There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I’ll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened.” Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. “I told you there must be a simple explanation .....she didn’t receive your E-mail!” |
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A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue. Well, he said, 'It's what mummy calls me sometimes'. The little girl screams to her brother "DON'T EAT IT TOMMY, IT'S AN /\$$#0LE!!!" |
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