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Joke of the Day

this is a discussion within the Everything Else Community Forum; A man asks his wife during a 25 marriage anniversary: - Darling, have you been unfaithful to me? - Yes, honey, three times. - When was the first time? - Do you remember the situation when you went to a ...

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Old 07-01-2014, 03:10 AM   #1041
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Re: Joke of the Day

A man asks his wife during a 25 marriage anniversary:
- Darling, have you been unfaithful to me?
- Yes, honey, three times.
- When was the first time?
- Do you remember the situation when you went to a bank, but nobody would give you any credit? And finally the CEO of the bank himself signed the credit allowance to you.
- Thanks, darling. And when was the second time?
- Do you remember when you were very ill and nobody would agree to make the surgery for you? And finally the head of the department took care of you?
- Thank you darling, you saved my life. And with whom have you been unfaithful to me for the third time?
- Do you remember when you were a candidate to the position of city mayor and you were missing 36 votes?

You kids get off my lawn!
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Old 07-01-2014, 05:06 PM   #1042
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Re: Joke of the Day

The story takes place in a Christian school. The teacher asks the question, "What part of your body gets to heaven first?"

Three students raise their hand, Jenny, Jim, and little Johnny in the back. The teacher thinks to herself, "I don't want to call on Johnny cause he will say something bad."

So she picks on Jenny first who says, "I think your head gets to heaven first cause you have to be smart."


The teacher then calls on Jim who says, "I think your heart gets to heaven first cause you gotta have a good heart."

Finally Johnny is the only one with his hand up. The teacher says to herself "Oh no, I gotta pick Johnny." She picks him and he says, "I think your feet get to heaven first."

The relieved teacher asks him, "Why on earth do you think your feet get to heaven first?"

Johnny says, "Cause I walked into my Mom and Dad's room last night and my mom's feet were straight up in the air and she was shouting 'Oh God, I'm coming'!"

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Old 07-01-2014, 05:06 PM   #1043
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Re: Joke of the Day

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said,

"You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?"


"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...

...O...o

...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge.

"And you, how did you do?", he asked the second boy, "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?",
"Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)

...o...O

I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your a$$hole before prison..."
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Old 07-02-2014, 04:22 PM   #1044
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Re: Joke of the Day

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about
something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.


She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, since he sometimes could be a bit crude.

But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnnie.

"Well I can see that," she said. "But what is so exciting about a period."

"Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one....

Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the guy next door shot himself!"

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Old 07-02-2014, 04:23 PM   #1045
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Re: Joke of the Day

A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.

After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.

Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck.


He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife.

After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal.

Holding his neck with one hand, he said, "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!"

"Hell, that's nothing" she answered, ripping open her blouse.
"Look what he did to my tits!"
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Old 07-03-2014, 09:06 PM   #1046
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Re: Joke of the Day

A man walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,

"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bytch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
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Old 07-04-2014, 01:47 AM   #1047
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Re: Joke of the Day

Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said: "You've got two choices.
I either maul you to death or we have rough sex."

Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.


There was another tap on his shoulder.

This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly says: "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex."

Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear says:
"Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
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Old 07-04-2014, 10:47 PM   #1048
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Re: Joke of the Day

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede,
which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the pub for a drink with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down the pub with me today? We will have a good time."

But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes nd then asked again,
"How about going down the pub with me ?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.

This time he put his face up against the centipede's box and shouted,
"Hey, in there! Would you like to go to the pub with me?

This time, a little voice came out of the box,

"I heard you the first time! I 'm putting my fOOking shoes on!"
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Old 07-06-2014, 12:01 AM   #1049
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Re: Joke of the Day

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From
morning 'til night she was always complaining about something. The only
time he got any relief was when he was out plowing the fields with his old
mule. He plowed a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field.
He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat
his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again.

Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the
old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the
head. Killed her dead on the spot!

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather
odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen
for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner
approached him, he would listen for a minute,
then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him
why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head
and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, “Well, the women would come up and say something about
how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in
agreement.”

“And what about the men?” the minister asked.

“They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.”
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Old 07-09-2014, 03:09 AM   #1050
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Re: Joke of the Day

A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next several months, he saw her doing this often. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning differently. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, and started stroking himself, moaning, "I need a bike! I need a bike!”
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