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Joke of the Day

this is a discussion within the Everything Else Community Forum; Curtis & LeRoy bought a mule for a $100 and the farmer was to deliver it the next day. The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry fellas. I have some bad news. The mule died last night." ...

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Old 12-21-2012, 09:59 PM   #481
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Re: Joke of the Day

Curtis & LeRoy bought a mule for a $100 and the farmer was to deliver it the next day.

The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry fellas. I have some bad news. The mule died last night."

Curtis & LeRoy said, "Well, just give us our money back."

The farmer replied, "I can't do that. I have already spent the money."

"Ok, then, just bring us the dead mule."

The farmer asked, "What are ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"

"We are gonna raffle him off!"

"You can't raffle off a dead mule!"

"We sure can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"

A couple weeks later, the farmer saw Curtis & LeRoy at the Piggly Wiggly and asked, "What did you fellars do with that dead mule?"

"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do! Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer $2 apiece and made a profit of $998!"

"Didn't anyone complain?"

"Well, the guy that won got upset. But we gave him his $2 back!"
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Old 12-22-2012, 07:02 PM   #482
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Re: Joke of the Day

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and he began to redesign and build improvements. After awhile, they had toilets that flushed, air conditioning and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.

One day God called Satan to mock him. "So how's it going down there in Hell?"

Satan, replied, "Hey, things are great! We've got air conditioning, toilets that flush and escalators and there is no telling what this engineer is going to do next!"

God was surprised."What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should have never been sent there in the first place. Send him back up here."

"No way," replied Satan, "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him!"

God threatened. "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"

Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah right, and just where the hell are you going to get a lawyer?"
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Old 12-22-2012, 07:37 PM   #483
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Re: Joke of the Day

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on a vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury here here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man, thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried hereand you would only spend $150?"

The man replied,"A long time ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance!"

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."
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Old 12-28-2012, 03:30 AM   #484
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Re: Joke of the Day

A man got a hot new co-worker that he wanted to bang badly.
On day he couldn't take it anymore so he offerd her $500 to have sex with him. She said no thanks but he persisted and said:
- "I'll be fast, I throw the money on the floor and you just bend down to pick them up, when You get back up I will be done."
She said - "I don't know I have to call my boyfriend first."
The boyfriend told her - "Ask for $2000 and pick them up so lightning quick he don't even have time to unzip his pants."
The girl then agreed to the mans proposition.

4 hours later the boyfriend was nervously waiting for his girlfriend to get back from work and eventually he couldn't take it anymore so he called her.
- "What has happened, why aren't you home yet?" he asked. She replied:
- "THAT BASTARD PAID ME WITH PENNIES!!!"
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Last edited by Crusader; 12-28-2012 at 06:39 PM..
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Old 12-30-2012, 04:08 AM   #485
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Re: Joke of the Day

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and then topped it of with a tequila shot, not a good idea.

Knowing full well I was atleast slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before; I took a taxi home.

Sure enough I passed a police road block but because it was a taxi, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise.

I have never driven a taxi before and frankly I have no idea where I got it...
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Old 12-30-2012, 12:49 PM   #486
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Re: Joke of the Day

A guy thought his wife was cheating on him.So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her he found out she was working in a whorehouse.
The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $ 100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?".
The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whorehouse and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home. So the cabbie goes in.
A couple of minutes later the whore house gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this woman out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab.
The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here hold her!!"
The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE".
The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!".
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Old 01-03-2013, 03:03 PM   #487
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Re: Joke of the Day

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl On her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.

The cop said, 'Give this to your Dad, and next year, tell Santa to put
a reflector on the back of it!'

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'

Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered, 'Yes, he sure did!'

The little girl looked up at the cop and said: 'Next year tell Santa, the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top'!!!

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Old 01-03-2013, 05:28 PM   #488
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Re: Joke of the Day

A mom is driving her little girl to a friend's house for a play date. "Mommy ," the little girl asks ,"how old are you?"
"Honey , you are not supposed to ask a lady her age", the mother warns .
"It is not polite".
"Ok", the little girl says ."How much do you weigh?"

"Now really ," the mother says , "these are personal questions and really none of your business."
Undaunted , the little girl asks," why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions , honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin play.
"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything ." The little girl says to her friend
"Well,"said the friend ,"all you need to do is look at her drivers license
It is like a report card it has everything on it", later that night ,the little girls says to her mother ," I know how old

you are . You are 32". The mother is surprised and asks ,"how did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140pounds ." The mother is past surprise and shocked now.
" How in heaven 's name did you find that out?"
"And ,"the little girel says triumphantly ,"I know why you and daddy got a divorce".
"Oh really?"The mother asks ." And why's that?"
"Because you got an F in sex".
The Mother fainted
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Old 01-03-2013, 05:29 PM   #489
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Re: Joke of the Day

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You **** her again."
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Old 01-03-2013, 05:31 PM   #490
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Re: Joke of the Day

Doctor: do you watch your husband face during sex?

Lady: I did once and he looked very angry.

Doctor: why?

Lady: because he was watching from the window.
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