SmashMouth

A man with no arms and legs was sun baking on the beach.

A gorgeous blonde was walking past him, stopped for a second with a tang of pity in her eyes.
“Have you ever had a hug?” She asked. “No.” So with an “aww”, she gave him a big hug.
Two minutes later, another beautiful woman was walking past the man.
“Aw look at you honey. Have you ever been kissed?”
“No.” He says. She leans down and gives him a passionate kiss.
Another few minutes pass and another stunning lady walks past.
“Oh you poor thing...Have you ever been fricked?” “No.” “Well you will be soon, the tides coming in.”

SmashMouth

The boiled water died...

It shall be mist !

WhoDat!656

The angels come to God after he has finished with creation and ask why he has favored the Jews so heavily. “You’ve given them a land of milk and honey, of olives, barley, dates and pomegranates,” they say.”They’re gonna have have Nobel Prize winners, artists and scientists way out of proportion to their numbers. It’s not fair!”

“Oh yeah?” God says. “Wait till you see the neighbors I gave them.”

SmashMouth

A wife treats her man by taking him to a Strip Club for his birthday... At The Club, The Doorman Says, "Hey Johnny, How are You?" The wife asks, "How does he know you? Johnny says, "Oh dear, I play football with him." Inside the Bartender Says, "The Usual, Johnny?" Johnny says to Wife, "Before you say anything, He's on the Darts Team." Next a stripper Says, "Hi Johnny! Do You Crave the Special Again??" The wife storms out dragging Johnny with her & jumps into a taxi... The Taxi driver Says, "Hey Johnny Boy! You picked up an ugly one this time...."

WhoDat!656

Everyone went into class Monday morning. They were all very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship.

Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly. "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civic spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good", said the teacher.

Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines," she said. "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Debbie", said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held he breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk."$2,467,” he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes", said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes", echoed the teacher. "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Johnny. "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing; "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!" I would say, "It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the Bernie Sanders method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free, and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

dam1953

foreverfan

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Maryland and the other to Miami.
They agree to meet every ten years in Pinehurst to play golf and catch up with each other...

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why Hooters?"
"They have those broads with the big racks, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs."
"You're on."

At age 42, they meet and play golf again.
"Where you wanna go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Again? Why?"
"They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games."
"OK."

At age 52 they meet and play again. "So where you wanna go for lunch?"
"Hooters.
"Why?"
"The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking."
"OK."

At age 62 they meet again.
After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy."
"Good choice"

At age 72 they meet again.
Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts."
"Great choice."

At age 82 they meet and play again. "Where should we go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Because we've never been there before."




Hooter Babes... You get older while they stay the same age.

2019 Death of a Parrot.

WhoDat!656

A man was telling his buddy :

"You won't believe what happened last night.

My daughter walked into the living room and said: Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window, take my TV and my laptop. Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my car, take my front door key away, and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any charity you choose."

"Holy Smokes," replied the friend, " - she actually said that?"

"Well, she didn't put it quite like that. She actually said: "Dad, meet my new boyfriend Mohammed. We're going to work together on Elizabeth Warren’s Presidential Campaign."

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

dam1953

WhoDat!656

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'. The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?' The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.' The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.' Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' From the back, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. 'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.' 'Yes,' the class said. 'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?' A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, 'Take all you want.. God is watching the apples

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."