WhoDat!656

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had it and have left you...don't bother coming after me" Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note...

After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone... "She's finally gone...yeah I know, about damn time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like."

He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote..."I can see your feet. We're outta bread: be back in five minutes."

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

WhoDat!656

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two hitch-hiking college girls. We went to a motel where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . I'm telling everybody!'

*************************************************************

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, "almost?"'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

dam1953

https://www.facebook.com/follertheho...94863194061696

WhoDat!656

Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him, “I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared and I think I’m going crazy.”

“Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” said the shrink. “Come in and talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”

“How much do you charge?”

“Eighty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.

“I’ll sleep on it,” I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. “Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?”, he asked.

“Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year is $12,480.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck.”

“Is that so?” he said with a bit of an attitude, “and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain’t nobody under there now!”

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

WhoDat!656

A Pharmacist walks into the shop & notices a guy leaning against a wall.

The owner asks the clerk: "What's with the guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives".

The owner, wide-eyed and excited shouts: "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives".

The clerk calmly responds: "Of course you can, look at him - he's afraid to cough."

44Champs

A man visits his mother in law, who is in serious condition, at the hospital. When he gets home, his wife nervously asks how her mother is doing.

"Well, apparently she's doing great. Pretty soon she's going to be released from the hospital and will be back to her usual self, and will come to our home to live with us forever."

The wife says " Wow that's amazing! Just yesterday she looked like she was on her deathbed and the doctors said she only had a few days left to live."

The husband replies "Yeah well I'm not sure what happened but today the doctors said we should prepare for the worst."

Sent from my SM-G981U using Tapatalk

WhoDat!656

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the
medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, “This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say ‘1-2-3.’

When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want.”

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked,
“How do I stop the medicine from working?”

“Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,’” the medicine man responded,
“but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved,
took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join
him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, “1-2-3!”

Immediately,he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, asked,
“What was the 1-2-3 for?”

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a
preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

WhoDat!656

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open
a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: “Dr. Geezer’s Clinic.
Get your treatment for $500. If not cured, get back $1,000.”

Doctor “Young,” who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.

So he went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic. Dr. Young: “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all
taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?”

Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.”

Dr. Young: “Aaagh ! -This is Gasoline!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back.
That will be $500.”

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to
recover his money.

Dr. Young: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”

Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Dr. Young: “Oh, no you don’t, - that is Gasoline!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back.
That will be $500.”

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and come back after several more days.

Dr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak - I can hardly see anything!

Dr. Geezer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so, “ Here’s your $1000 back.” (giving him a $10 bill).

Dr. Young: “But this is only $10!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

WhoDat!656

A very ill-tempered woman about to enter her senior years was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store.

She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away.

She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.

When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from the store.

The lady defiantly replied, Just a stupid can of peaches.

The judge then asked why she had done it.

She replied, I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash or my credit card to the store.

The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.

She replied in a nasty tone, Nine! But, at this point in time, what difference does that make?

The judge answered patiently, Well, ma’am, because I’m going to give you nine days in jail, one day for each peach.

As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady’s long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak.

The judge said, Yes sir, what do you have to add?

The husband said meekly Your Honor, she also stole four cans of peas.

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

dam1953

Tax return submitted by a New Jersey person

The IRS returned a tax return to a man in New Jersey after
he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly.

In response to question 23: "Do you have anyone dependent on you?"

The man wrote: "21 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack-heads,
4.4 million unemployable scroungers, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons,
plus 650 idiots in Washington, and the entire group that call themselves politicians".
On the returned form, someone at the IRS had attached a Post-it Note beside the question with an arrow and the words: “Your response to question 23 is unacceptable.”
The man sent it back to the IRS with his response on the bottom of the
Post It Note:

"Who’d I leave out?"

”It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.” Charles Darwin