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Joke of the Day

this is a discussion within the Everything Else Community Forum; A bus on a busy street struck a Catholic man. He was lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathered. "A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man screamed.. Long seconds dragged on but no one stepped ...

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Old 03-27-2021, 07:30 AM   #1631
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Re: Joke of the Day

A bus on a busy street struck a Catholic man.

He was lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathered.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man screamed..

Long seconds dragged on but no one stepped out of the crowd.

A policeman checked the crowd and finally yelled, "A PRIEST, PLEASE! Isn't there a priest

in this crowd to give this man his last rites?"

Finally, out of the crowd stepped a little old Jewish man in his 80s.

"Mr. Policeman," said the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Christian. But for 50 years I'm living behind the Catholic Church on Second Avenue, and every night I'm overhearing their services. I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor man."

The policeman agreed and cleared the crowd so the man could get through to where the injured man lay.

The old Jewish man knelt down, leaned over the man and said in a solemn voice:

"B-5 .... I-19 ... N-38 ... G-54 .... O-72." "BINGO"
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Old 04-16-2021, 12:40 AM   #1632
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Re: Joke of the Day

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

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Old 04-30-2021, 06:19 AM   #1633
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Re: Joke of the Day

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community.

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they would have to convert or leave. The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi Moishe to represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a silent debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too clever, and that the Jews could stay.

Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened. The Pope said, “First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine & wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had me beaten and I couldn’t continue.”

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered around Rabbi Moishe. “How did you win the debate?” they asked. “I haven’t a clue,” said Moishe. “First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, and I said to him, we’re staying right here.” “And then what?” asked a woman. “Who knows?” said Moishe, “He took out his lunch, so I took out mine.”

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Old 04-30-2021, 06:36 AM   #1634
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Re: Joke of the Day

A woman visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the Tarot cards laid out before her, the Tarot reader delivered the bad news: "There is no easy way to say this so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent death this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know.

She met the Tarot reader's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I get away with it?"
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Old 04-30-2021, 06:37 AM   #1635
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Re: Joke of the Day

One winter morning a husband and wife in Denver were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

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Old 05-04-2021, 07:15 PM   #1636
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Re: Joke of the Day

I have an EpiPen that I wil always cherish. My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.

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Old 05-06-2021, 12:02 AM   #1637
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Re: Joke of the Day

NSFW

A salesman rings the doorbell. A 12 yr old boy answers the door holding a cognac and smoking a cigar.

The salesman was a little stunned but went ahead and asked the kid "Are your parents home?"

The kid replied "What the f#$k do you think?"

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Old 06-10-2021, 11:27 AM   #1638
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Re: Joke of the Day

Patient: My butt hurts right around the entrance.

Doctor: That's the exit. As long as you call it the entrance, it will continue to hurt.



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Old 06-20-2021, 01:11 PM   #1639
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Re: Joke of the Day

A husband and wife are out playing. They came to one hole which has an old barn along the right side of the fairway. The wife slices her drive directly behind the barn.

Her husband says ‘no problem, hon. I’ll open the barn doors and you can hit right through the barn to the green.’

He does so and waits for her to hit on the far side of the barn. The wife strikes a beautiful shot right through the open barn. Unfortunately it strikes her husband right square in the forehead. He is dead before he even hits the ground.

Years pass, the tragedy fades and she remarries. She still plays golf regularly. Ironically, she is on the same course again with her new husband and they come to that hole again. And again she slices to directly behind the barn.

New hubby says ‘no problem dear. I’ll open the barn doors and you can hit right through it’.

‘I don’t think so’ she replies. ‘The last time I tried that I took a double bogey’.
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Old 08-19-2021, 12:59 PM   #1640
 
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Re: Joke of the Day

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"

Man: "Yes!"

Reporter: "Name?"

Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."

Reporter: "Sex?"

Man: "Three to five times a week."

Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"

Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."

Reporter: "Holy cow!"

Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."

Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"

Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."

Reporter: "Oh dear!"

Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."
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