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Re: Joke of the Day
A man asks his wife during a 25 marriage anniversary:
- Darling, have you been unfaithful to me? - Yes, honey, three times. - When was the first time? - Do you remember the situation when you went to a bank, but nobody would give you any credit? And finally the CEO of the bank himself signed the credit allowance to you. - Thanks, darling. And when was the second time? - Do you remember when you were very ill and nobody would agree to make the surgery for you? And finally the head of the department took care of you? - Thank you darling, you saved my life. And with whom have you been unfaithful to me for the third time? - Do you remember when you were a candidate to the position of city mayor and you were missing 36 votes? |
Re: Joke of the Day
The story takes place in a Christian school. The teacher asks the question, "What part of your body gets to heaven first?"
Three students raise their hand, Jenny, Jim, and little Johnny in the back. The teacher thinks to herself, "I don't want to call on Johnny cause he will say something bad." So she picks on Jenny first who says, "I think your head gets to heaven first cause you have to be smart." The teacher then calls on Jim who says, "I think your heart gets to heaven first cause you gotta have a good heart." Finally Johnny is the only one with his hand up. The teacher says to herself "Oh no, I gotta pick Johnny." She picks him and he says, "I think your feet get to heaven first." The relieved teacher asks him, "Why on earth do you think your feet get to heaven first?" Johnny says, "Cause I walked into my Mom and Dad's room last night and my mom's feet were straight up in the air and she was shouting 'Oh God, I'm coming'!" |
Re: Joke of the Day
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said,
"You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday." Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this... ...O...o ...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?", he asked the second boy, "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?", "Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles) ...o...O I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your a$$hole before prison..." |
Re: Joke of the Day
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about
something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, since he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that," she said. "But what is so exciting about a period." "Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one.... Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the guy next door shot himself!" |
Re: Joke of the Day
A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.
After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours. Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck. He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife. After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal. Holding his neck with one hand, he said, "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!" "Hell, that's nothing" she answered, ripping open her blouse. "Look what he did to my tits!" |
Re: Joke of the Day
A man walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."
The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow." The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bytch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep." |
Re: Joke of the Day
Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said: "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have rough sex." Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly says: "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear says: "Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?" |
Re: Joke of the Day
A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the pub for a drink with him. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down the pub with me today? We will have a good time." But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes nd then asked again, "How about going down the pub with me ?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time. This time he put his face up against the centipede's box and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to the pub with me? This time, a little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first time! I 'm putting my fOOking shoes on!" |
Re: Joke of the Day
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From
morning 'til night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing the fields with his old mule. He plowed a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot! At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. The old farmer said, “Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.” “And what about the men?” the minister asked. “They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.” |
Re: Joke of the Day
A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next several months, he saw her doing this often. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning differently. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, and started stroking himself, moaning, "I need a bike! I need a bike!”
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Re: Joke of the Day
Q: Why did the snowman smile?
A: Because the snowblower was coming. |
Re: Joke of the Day
Obama walks into a bar, and he's got a great big colorful parrot on his shoulder.
Barkeep walks up and says,”Man, that’s really cool. Where’d ya get it?” Parrot says, “Africa. There’s millions of ‘em.”. |
Re: Joke of the Day
"Q: Why did the snowman smile?
A: Because the snowblower was coming. |
Re: Joke of the Day
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Re: Joke of the Day
A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course.
As he goes to get it a man in the yard says, “Don’t you see the sign? It says, ‘Private property – Stay Out!’” The golfer says, “I’m sorry I did not see it. That’s my ball over there. May I have it, please?” The man says, “It’s in my yard and so it’s my ball now.” The golfer looks at the man and says, “I think I understand” He then walks back to the golf cart, gets another golf ball, then walks back and throws it into the yard as well. The man says, “What did you do that for?” The golfer replies, “I consider myself a Gentleman, and I believe every prik should have two balls.” |
Re: Joke of the Day
Harry, the newest resident at the nursing home, is an old 85-year-old man whose wife passed away a few months ago. He rarely leaves his room, while trying to adjust to nursing home life. On occasion, he is seen sitting on a couch in one of the main living rooms, staring out the window with tears in his eyes.
Delores, another resident in her 80s, noticed Harry's sobbing one afternoon. Feeling bad for him, she approached calmly and asked what was bothering him so much. "I'm so lonely," said Harry, "Without my wife here, I feel alone. Will you come sit here with me and keep me company?" Compelled to make a new friend and to ease his pain, she takes a seat next to him. His sobbing gets a bit more intense. Harry continued by saying, "Every afternoon, at about this time in the late afternoon, my wife and I would make love. We did it every day for 60 years." Delores felt pretty bad for him, but was caught off guard when he grabbed her hand and placed it on his inner thigh. After about ten minutes, Harry looked at her and asked, "Would you do me a kind favor for a lonely old man?" "Sure Harry, what is it?" asked Delores. "If I unzip my trousers, would you just hold it for a few minutes? It would really put me at ease," he said. "Oh, Harry, I don't know about that." she replied. His sobbing got even more intense. Delores was feeling really bad for him, so after a minute or so, she gave in and agreed to hold his member. At first, it was an uncomfortable feeling for her. But after a half-hour of it, she became more at ease with the idea. As the early dinner bell rang, Harry zipped back up and said, "I would really appreciate it if you would come back and meet me here again tomorrow at 4:00." She reluctantly agreed. And so it went the next day. And the next day. And the next. This went on for a couple of weeks, that they would sit on the couch, with her holding his shriveled up buddy and staring out the window together. It became something of a relationship for her - Delores was actually looking forward to it every morning she woke up. Then one afternoon at 4:00, she walked to the living room and Harry wasn't there. She checked his room to no avail. She searched the nursing home high and low, asking people if they had seen him. Finally, she found another old man who said he saw Harry sitting on the bench in the garden. So, Delores went out there and saw him sitting with another woman. As she got closer, she saw the old lady holding his member. "What the hell are you doing Harry?" she asked with an obviously angry tone. "How could you do such a thing to me? What does she have that I don't, Harry?" Harry looked up at her, and shrewdly answered, "Parkinson's" |
Re: Joke of the Day
A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, ‘Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I’ve seen a man do in my whole life.’ The Harley rider replies, ‘Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.’ The reporter says, ‘Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist, you know, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?’ The biker replies, “I’m a U.S. Marine and a Republican” The journalist leaves. The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page: U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH ...and THAT pretty much sums up the media’s approach to the news these days... |
Re: Joke of the Day
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.
Lady 1: "What's that?" Lady 2: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet." Lady 1: "Where did you get it?" Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore." The next day ... Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers. Lady 1: "It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel." |
Re: Joke of the Day
Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.
"What's your name?" asked the teacher. "Mohammad," he replied. "You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Frank." Mohammad returned home after school. "How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked. "My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Frank." "Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonour your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" And his mother beat him. Then she called his father, who beat him again. The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his bruises and asked, "What happened to you, Frank? "Shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two Arabs." |
Re: Joke of the Day
A little old lady answered her doorbell and saw a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" As she closed the door, the young man quickly wedged his foot in the door and pushed it open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, ma'am, I will personally eat the remainder." The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning." |
Re: Joke of the Day
Two Mexicans are stuck in the Arizona desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........
“Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk.” “Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. “ With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There’s raw bacon, there’s fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork. “Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree.” “Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don’t forget.” “Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree.” And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 meters, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath, “Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!” “Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? “ “Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees Ees Ees Ees Ees a ham bush....” |
Re: Joke of the Day
A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman sitting next to him said, 'How about that? I just ordered champagne, too!' 'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.' This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.' 'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added: 'What are you celebrating?' 'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!' 'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.' 'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?' 'I used a different rooster,' he replied. The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said 'what a coincidence'! |
Re: Joke of the Day
A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when
the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us." Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here." A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago! |
Re: Joke of the Day
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead. Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?" |
Re: Joke of the Day
A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute Mexican refugee outside an Arizona immigration office.
“Good man,” the fairy said, “I’ve been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and eight children.” The man told the fairy, “Well, where I come from we don’t have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.” The fairy looked at the man’s almost toothless grin and — PING!— he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth! “What else?” asked the fairy, “Two more to go.” The refugee claimant now got bolder. “I need a big house with big three-car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country.. I want to bring them all over here” -— and PING— in the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three-car garage, a long driveway, and a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay. “One more wish,” said the fairy, waving her wand. “Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this sombrero. And I want to have white skin like Americans” -—and -— PING — The man was instantly transformed - wearing worn-out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt, and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon. “What happened to my new teeth?” he wailed. “Where is my new house?” The fairy said: “Tough shyt, Amigo, now that you are a white American, you have to fend for yourself.” |
Re: Joke of the Day
This morning, the Muslim Brotherhood warned the United States that if the United States continued meddling in Syria, Egypt, Libya, and other potential hot spots in the Middle East, they intend to cut off America’s supply of 7-11 and Motel 6 managers.
If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell, AT&T and AOL customer service reps. Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened not to send us any more presidents. It gonna get ugly, people. |
Re: Joke of the Day
Subject: Happy v Unhappy
They're not happy in Gaza ... They're not happy in Egypt ... They're not happy in Libya ... They're not happy in Morocco ... They're not happy in Iran ... They're not happy in Iraq ... They're not happy in Yemen .... They're not happy in Afghanistan .... They're not happy in Pakistan ... They're not happy in Syria ... They're not happy in Lebanon ... SO, WHERE ARE THEY HAPPY? They're happy in Australia ... They're happy in Canada .. They're happy in England ... They're happy in France .. They're happy in Italy .. They're happy in Germany ... They're happy in Sweden .. They're happy in the USA ... They're happy in Norway .. They're happy in Holland ... They're happy in Denmark ... Basically, they're happy in every country that is not Muslim and unhappy in every country that is! AND WHO DO THEY BLAME? Not Islam. Not their leadership. Not themselves. THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN! AND THEN- They want to change those countries to be like, THE COUNTRY THEY CAME FROM WHERE THEY WERE UNHAPPY! Excuse me, but I can't help wondering... How damn dumb can you get? Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim Terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Lets have a look at the evidence: - No Christmas - No television - No nude women - No football - No pork chops - No hot dogs - No burgers - No beer - No bacon - Rags for clothes - Towels for hats - Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower - More than one wife - More than one mother-in-law - You can't shave - Your wife can't shave - You can't wash off the smell of donkeys - You cook over burning camel **** - Your wife is picked by someone else for you - and your wife smells worse than your donkey - Then they tell them that "when they die, it all gets better"??? Well No **** Sherlock!.... It's not like it could get much worse! |
Re: Joke of the Day
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One looks at the other and says: "Does this taste funny to you?"
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Re: Joke of the Day
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Depression....
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Re: Joke of the Day
A flea and a crab (lice) were standing on a corner in Times Square in New York when they decided it was time to go off on separate adventures, and reunite in two weeks.
The flea hopped on a dog, went to the dog's home, visited with the owners, ate food, had a good time and then went back to Times Square. He waited and waited but no crab. Finally, a month later the crab showed up, beat up, dirty, bruised and exhausted. "What happened?" said his flea friend. "Well, I crawled up some women's leg" said the crab, "got into her crotch, but then she took a bath for 20 minutes and I almost drowned! Then she put on powder and went out to a bar. Stupid bytch spilled a scotch in her lap and I got drunk. I fell asleep. Woke up the next day on some trucker's mustache in Illinois!". |
Re: Joke of the Day
A woman was having sex in an apartment 20 floors high with another man. She then heard her husband coming… she told her lover to stand like a robot and not to move.
Husband: What is this? Wife: This is a robot, I bought to have sex with when you are travelling… Husband: Okay…Lets have sex now… Wife: No sweetheart… yesterday I got my period, so I will go and make a cup of coffee for you… After she left the husband said: Damn I am so horny, I'll just f*ck this robot…So he tried and the man started talking in a metallic robotic way… “SYSTEM ERROR…WRONG HOLE… SYSTEM ERROR… WRONG HOLE…” Husband: Damn this robot is not working properly…I'm throwing it out of the window…The man realized that he was on the 20th floor and said… “SOFTWARE UPDATED…PLEASE TRY AGAIN…” |
Re: Joke of the Day
A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?' The farmer said, 'I want to get one of them dayvorces.'
The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?' The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres' The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit? The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.' The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?' The farmer said, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere. The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?' The farmer said,'Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere' The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?' The farmer said, 'No, we both get up at 4:30.' By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question .The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?' The farmer said, 'No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce.' |
Re: Joke of the Day
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in town. I'll prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and 2 quarters in the other and then calls the boy over and asks, "Which one do you want son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "See what I told you," said the barber, "That kid never learns!" Later the barber sees the boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey son! Can I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar?" The boy licked his cone and said, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!" |
Re: Joke of the Day
A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he is being watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range. "Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!" Surprised and flattered, the man thanks the midget and starts to move away. "Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them?" Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request. The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says, "Okay, hand me your wallet or I'll jump off the ladder!"
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Re: Joke of the Day
The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, ‘I’ve got some bad news. You have cancer, and you’d best put your affairs in order.’
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. ‘Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t well. I have cancer. So, let’s head to the club and have a martini.’ After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman’s old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, ‘I’ve been diagnosed with AIDS.’ The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat. After the friends left, the woman’s daughter leaned over and whispered, ‘Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?’ ‘Because I don’t want any of those b!tches sleeping with your father after I’m gone.’ And THAT, my friends, is what is called, ‘Putting Your Affairs In Order .’ |
Re: Joke of the Day
A man was bragging to his friend: I do 18 holes a day and still find time for golf.
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Re: Joke of the Day
american voters are a joke everyday. they're just too damn naive to realize their folly.
they reelect idiots such as bush or obama, then point fingers at each other. here in the banana republic, they're such a joke... they reelect Piyush, Vitter or Landrieu, the corporate lobbyist trio. oh, wait... that isn't funny... it is pathetic and dishonest. if you register in either party, you enable the corrupt majority. you're the joke. |
Re: Joke of the Day
Kind of like fishing a S LA marsh. I though that I had a hit on the B&G Joke of the Day post and couldn't wait to get it in the boat. Low and behold, I get it to the surface only to find out it's an f....ing Choupique. Slime on the line.
What a way to ruin a good day fishing. |
Re: Joke of the Day
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, “I have a confession to make, I’m not a virgin.”
The husband replies, “That’s no big thing in this day and age.” The wife continues, “Yeah, I’ve been with one guy.” “Oh yeah? Who was the guy ?” “Tiger Woods.” “Tiger Woods, the golfer ?” “Yeah.” “Well, he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.” The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. “What are you doing ?” asks the wife. The husband says, “I’m hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat.” “Tiger wouldn’t do that.” “Oh yeah? What would Tiger do ?” “He’d come back to bed and do it a second time.” The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. “Now what are you doing ?” she asks. The husband says, “I’m still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat.” “Tiger wouldn’t do that.” “Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?” “He’d come back to bed and do it again.” The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he’s tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, “Are you calling room service ?” “No! I’m calling Tiger Woods, to find out what par is for this damn hole.” |
Re: Joke of the Day
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