Joke of the Day

WhoDat!656 · 12-14-2015, 10:57 AM

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was
required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators...

foreverfan · 12-23-2015, 12:31 AM

A man went to the doctor's office to ask for a triple dosage of Viagra.

Doctor: I can't give you a triple dose.
Man: Why not?

Doctor: Because it's not safe.
Man: But I need it really bad.

Doctor: Well, why do you need it so badly?
Man: My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, my ex-wife will be here on Saturday, and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I've got to have a triple dose.

The doctor finally relented. All right, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.

On Monday afternoon the man dragged himself into the doctor’s office... his right arm in a sling

Doctor: Good God! What happened to you?
Man: No one showed up.

SmashMouth · 12-24-2015, 11:08 AM

Donald Trump and Ted Cruz are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Trump and Cruz sitting over there?'

The bartender says, 'Yep, that's them.'

So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?'

Cruz says, 'We're planning WW III.' The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'

Trump says, 'Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.'

The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits?! Why kill her?'

Trump turns to Cruz and says, 'See, I told you, no one gives a crap about the 140 million Muslims.’ ‪#‎BlondeLivesMatter‬

WhoDat!656 · 12-25-2015, 06:28 AM

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.

When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she asked.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.

When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.

In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Watching the game with my son-in-law."

foreverfan · 12-25-2015, 01:48 PM

Originally Posted by WhoDat!656

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.

When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she asked.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.

When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.

In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Watching the game with my son-in-law."

Obviosuly Falcon Fans.

WhoDat!656 · 12-25-2015, 11:18 PM

Originally Posted by foreverfan

Obviosuly Falcon Fans.

Obviously!

WhoDat!656 · 01-01-2016, 11:19 PM

Originally Posted by foreverfan

A man went to the doctor's office to ask for a triple dosage of Viagra.

Doctor: I can't give you a triple dose.
Man: Why not?

Doctor: Because it's not safe.
Man: But I need it really bad.

Doctor: Well, why do you need it so badly?
Man: My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, my ex-wife will be here on Saturday, and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I've got to have a triple dose.

The doctor finally relented. All right, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.

On Monday afternoon the man dragged himself into the doctor’s office... his right arm in a sling

Doctor: Good God! What happened to you?
Man: No one showed up.

I heard it a little differently.

A guy goes to his doctor and asks for some Viagra and the doctor tells him he is healthy and he doesn't need it.

The guy tells the doctor that he has a nymphomaniac coming over for the weekend and he wants to be ready, so the doctor gives them to him.

The guy comes back to the doctor on Monday and tells him he need some industrial strength BenGay.

The doctor asks him what he wants it for so the guy shows the doctor his member and it looks like ground hamburger meat.

The doctor says, "You weren't going to put BenGay on that were you?"

The guy says, "Hell no! Its for my elbow! The B I t c h never showed up!"

Crusader · 01-04-2016, 08:03 AM

Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance. Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much.

“I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.” She said, “Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant penis.”

Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait so Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touch teasing, holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, “You told me your penis was the size of an infant!” “Yes it is: 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!”

SmashMouth · 01-04-2016, 03:34 PM

Word of the day - lysol

Crusader · 01-13-2016, 07:04 PM

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

12-14-2015, 10:57 AM	#1181
WhoDat!656 10000 POST CLUB Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: Shreveport,Louisiana Posts: 16,046	Re: Joke of the Day According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers, and then there are educators... foreverfan and mleg1972 like this.
	"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

12-23-2015, 12:31 AM	#1182
foreverfan 12,000 BS Posts Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Metairie, LA Posts: 13,457 Blog Entries: 5	Re: Joke of the Day A man went to the doctor's office to ask for a triple dosage of Viagra. Doctor: I can't give you a triple dose. Man: Why not? Doctor: Because it's not safe. Man: But I need it really bad. Doctor: Well, why do you need it so badly? Man: My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, my ex-wife will be here on Saturday, and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I've got to have a triple dose. The doctor finally relented. All right, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects. On Monday afternoon the man dragged himself into the doctor’s office... his right arm in a sling Doctor: Good God! What happened to you? Man: No one showed up.
	Last edited by foreverfan; 12-23-2015 at 12:42 AM..

12-24-2015, 11:08 AM	#1183
SmashMouth I donated, did you? Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Mandeville, LA Posts: 38,123 Blog Entries: 29	Re: Joke of the Day Donald Trump and Ted Cruz are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Trump and Cruz sitting over there?' The bartender says, 'Yep, that's them.' So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?' Cruz says, 'We're planning WW III.' The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?' Trump says, 'Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.' The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits?! Why kill her?' Trump turns to Cruz and says, 'See, I told you, no one gives a crap about the 140 million Muslims.’ ‪#‎BlondeLivesMatter‬ Crusader, foreverfan and mleg1972 like this.

12-25-2015, 06:28 AM	#1184
WhoDat!656 10000 POST CLUB Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: Shreveport,Louisiana Posts: 16,046	Re: Joke of the Day A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. What are you doing?" she asked. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he asked. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she asked. "Watching the game with my son-in-law." foreverfan and mleg1972 like this.
	"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

12-25-2015, 01:48 PM	#1185
foreverfan 12,000 BS Posts Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Metairie, LA Posts: 13,457 Blog Entries: 5	Re: Joke of the Day Originally Posted by WhoDat!656 A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. What are you doing?" she asked. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he asked. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she asked. "Watching the game with my son-in-law." Obviosuly Falcon Fans.

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12-25-2015, 11:18 PM	#1186
WhoDat!656 10000 POST CLUB Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: Shreveport,Louisiana Posts: 16,046	Re: Joke of the Day Originally Posted by foreverfan Obviosuly Falcon Fans. Obviously! Crusader likes this.

01-01-2016, 11:19 PM	#1187
WhoDat!656 10000 POST CLUB Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: Shreveport,Louisiana Posts: 16,046	Re: Joke of the Day Originally Posted by foreverfan A man went to the doctor's office to ask for a triple dosage of Viagra. Doctor: I can't give you a triple dose. Man: Why not? Doctor: Because it's not safe. Man: But I need it really bad. Doctor: Well, why do you need it so badly? Man: My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, my ex-wife will be here on Saturday, and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I've got to have a triple dose. The doctor finally relented. All right, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects. On Monday afternoon the man dragged himself into the doctor’s office... his right arm in a sling Doctor: Good God! What happened to you? Man: No one showed up. I heard it a little differently. A guy goes to his doctor and asks for some Viagra and the doctor tells him he is healthy and he doesn't need it. The guy tells the doctor that he has a nymphomaniac coming over for the weekend and he wants to be ready, so the doctor gives them to him. The guy comes back to the doctor on Monday and tells him he need some industrial strength BenGay. The doctor asks him what he wants it for so the guy shows the doctor his member and it looks like ground hamburger meat. The doctor says, "You weren't going to put BenGay on that were you?" The guy says, "Hell no! Its for my elbow! The B I t c h never showed up!" mleg1972 likes this.
	"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

01-04-2016, 08:03 AM	#1188
Crusader Resident Swede Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Märsta, Sweden Posts: 8,025	Re: Joke of the Day Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance. Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much. “I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.” She said, “Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant penis.” Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait so Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touch teasing, holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, “You told me your penis was the size of an infant!” “Yes it is: 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!”
	W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

01-04-2016, 03:34 PM	#1189
SmashMouth I donated, did you? Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Mandeville, LA Posts: 38,123 Blog Entries: 29	Re: Joke of the Day Word of the day - lysol

01-13-2016, 07:04 PM	#1190
Crusader Resident Swede Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Märsta, Sweden Posts: 8,025	Re: Joke of the Day Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars." mleg1972 likes this.
	W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

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