Crusader

A woman was having sex in an apartment 20 floors high with another man. She then heard her husband coming… she told her lover to stand like a robot and not to move.

Husband: What is this?
Wife: This is a robot, I bought to have sex with when you are travelling…


Husband: Okay…Lets have sex now…
Wife: No sweetheart… yesterday I got my period, so I will go and make a cup of coffee for you…

After she left the husband said: Damn I am so horny, I'll just f*ck this robot…So he tried and the man started talking in a metallic robotic way…

“SYSTEM ERROR…WRONG HOLE… SYSTEM ERROR… WRONG HOLE…”

Husband: Damn this robot is not working properly…I'm throwing it out of the window…The man realized that he was on the 20th floor and said…

“SOFTWARE UPDATED…PLEASE TRY AGAIN…”

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

Crusader

A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?' The farmer said, 'I want to get one of them dayvorces.'

The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?' The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres' The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit?

The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.' The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?' The farmer said, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.

The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?' The farmer said,'Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere'

The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?' The farmer said, 'No, we both get up at 4:30.'

By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question .The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?' The farmer said, 'No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce.'

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

WhoDat!656

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in town. I'll prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and 2 quarters in the other and then calls the boy over and asks, "Which one do you want son?"

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"See what I told you," said the barber, "That kid never learns!"

Later the barber sees the boy coming out of the ice cream store.

"Hey son! Can I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar?"

The boy licked his cone and said, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!"

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

Crusader

A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he is being watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range. "Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!" Surprised and flattered, the man thanks the midget and starts to move away. "Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them?" Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request. The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says, "Okay, hand me your wallet or I'll jump off the ladder!"

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

WhoDat!656

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, ‘I’ve got some bad news. You have cancer, and you’d best put your affairs in order.’

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

‘Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t well. I have cancer. So, let’s head to the club and have a martini.’

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis.

They were eventually approached by some of the woman’s old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, ‘I’ve been diagnosed with AIDS.’ The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman’s daughter leaned over and whispered, ‘Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?’

‘Because I don’t want any of those b!tches sleeping with your father after I’m gone.’

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, ‘Putting Your Affairs In Order .’

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

Crusader

A man was bragging to his friend: I do 18 holes a day and still find time for golf.

Choupique

american voters are a joke everyday. they're just too damn naive to realize their folly.

they reelect idiots such as bush or obama, then point fingers at each other.

here in the banana republic, they're such a joke... they reelect Piyush, Vitter or Landrieu, the corporate lobbyist trio.

oh, wait... that isn't funny... it is pathetic and dishonest.

if you register in either party, you enable the corrupt majority.
you're the joke.

dam1953

Kind of like fishing a S LA marsh. I though that I had a hit on the B&G Joke of the Day post and couldn't wait to get it in the boat. Low and behold, I get it to the surface only to find out it's an f....ing Choupique. Slime on the line.

What a way to ruin a good day fishing.

WhoDat!656

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, “I have a confession to make, I’m not a virgin.”

The husband replies, “That’s no big thing in this day and age.”

The wife continues, “Yeah, I’ve been with one guy.”

“Oh yeah? Who was the guy ?”

“Tiger Woods.”

“Tiger Woods, the golfer ?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.”

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

“What are you doing ?” asks the wife.

The husband says, “I’m hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat.”

“Tiger wouldn’t do that.”

“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do ?”

“He’d come back to bed and do it a second time.”

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. “Now what are you doing ?” she asks.

The husband says, “I’m still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat.”

“Tiger wouldn’t do that.”

“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”

“He’d come back to bed and do it again.”

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he’s tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, “Are you calling room service ?”

“No! I’m calling Tiger Woods, to find out what par is for this damn hole.”

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

WhoDat!656

Is this what you caught?