QBREES9

Good one LOL

Crusader

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven.
While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates.
She saw a beautiful banquet table.
Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.
They saw her and began calling greetings to her:
"Hello. How are you?! We’ve been waiting for you! Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, 'This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her.
"I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill.
And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion.
And my wife and I traveled all around the world.
We were on vacation and I went water skiing today.
I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia.

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

Crusader

Wife to husband: If I die, I want you to promise me, in the funeral procession, you'll let my mother ride in the first car with you.
Husband: All right, but it'll ruin my day.

Crusader

I got fired on my 1st day as a masseuse. Apparently a facial has a whole different meaning to them...

Crusader

A man with a stuttering problem tries everything he can to stop the stuttering, but he can't. Finally, he goes to a world renowned doctor for help. The doctor examines him and says "I've found your problem. Your penis is twelve inches long. It weighs so much that it's pulling on your lungs, causing you to stutter." So he asks, "What's the cure, doc?" The doctor replies, "Well, we have to cut off six inches."
The man is eager to cure his stuttering so he agrees to the operation. The operation is a success, and he stops stuttering. Two months later, the man calls the doctor and tells him that since he's had the 6 inches cut off, all of his girlfriends have dumped him, and his love life has gone down the tubes. He insists that the doctor do another operation to add the six inches back on.
There is silence on the other end of the telephone, so the man repeats, "Hey doc, didn't you hear me? I want my six inches back!" Finally, the doctor responds, "F-f-f-f-f-f-u-c-k y-y-y-y-ou!

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

foreverfan

A WISE PERSON ONCE SAID:

We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

Having a cold drink on a hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS!

Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.

Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

I haven't verified this, but it sounds legit… A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

Crusader

A hot looking blonde walks in to a casino and wanders up to one of the craps tables. She looks at the two table handlers and says, “I want to bet $25,000 dollars. It’s all the money I have. The only request is that I play topless as I have found that this provides me the most luck at winning.”

The two men agree and watch anxiously as the woman unbuttons her blouse, removes it, and then removes her bra. She puts the money down on the table and rolls the dice. As the dice stop, she starts jumping up and down and screaming, “I WON I WON I WON!” She gathers her winnings puts the chips in her bag, puts on her shirt and walks out.
The two men at the table look at each other, one asks the other, “So what did she roll?” The other man says, “I thought you where watching?”

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

foreverfan

Crusader

A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a 45-year-old woman, I have the breasts of an 18-year-old.” "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation.”

Crusader

A man goes to a doctor, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say, "Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?”

"Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" says the doctor, "They just came out with this new wonder drug that does the trick! You take some pills and your problems are history.”

So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way. A couple of days later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street.

"Doctor, Doctor!" yells the man excitedly, "I've got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful! I've had sex fourteen times in eight days!”

"Well, I'm glad to hear that" says the pleased doctor, "What does your wife think about it?"
"Wife?" asks the man, "I haven't even been home yet!"

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.