Re: Joke of the Day
 

You know what separates a Coon A$$ from a Dumb A$$?

The Sabine River.

Re: Joke of the Day
 

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you.

The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet.
Please advise

Re: Joke of the Day
 

There was a man that died and went to heaven
When he was at Gods gates, he asked " How good were you to your wife?"
The man said "I loved her with my world.. Adored her with my whole life"
God said " well I will let you roam Heaven in this beautiful Cadillac."
The second man came to the gates.
God : " how were you with your wife?"
Man#2 " well I Was not happy with her but stuck with it for the kids"
God: " ok I will give you this Jetta to ride around Heaven."
The third man came to Heavens gates.
God " how were you with your wife?"
Man#3 "Damn I treated that ***** with what she deserved..! Cheated on her evert chance I got"
God: " ok you get this scooter to go around Heaven
God: Sees Guy #1 crying his eyes out
God: " what's wrong, you're in heaven in a Cadillac?"
Man#1 " I JUST SAW MY WIFE GO BY IN A SCATEBOARD!!!!!

Re: Joke of the Day
 

A man ordered for a voice automated robot car that does
anything he tells it to do correctly without any error. He got the car and became very proud of what the car could do without mistakes.
One day, he was home and his wife told him to tell the car to go and pick the children from school as she was very tired.
The man agreed and said to the car, "Car, go and bring my
children from school."
The car went and didn't return in time as expected, they knew
something must be wrong. Several hours later and no car, the man became apprehensive. He dressed up and got ready to lodge a report at the police station. As he and his wife stepped outside they saw the car coming with an overload of children.
The car parked right in front of them and said, "These are your
children sir".
In the car were their Landlady's two daughters, their choir mistress's two sons, his wife's best friend's daughter, their pastor's son and their neighbours two sons.
The wife who was angry shouted at her husband, "Don't tell me all these are your children!"
The man asked her calmly, "Can you first tell me why our children are not in the car?"

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Fred and Mary got married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they went
back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together.

In the morning,
Johnny, Fred's little brother, got up and had his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think!
Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think!
Eat your lunch and go back to school '

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'

He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline, and I
think..I gave him my super glue. !!

Re: Joke of the Day
 

This morning I lucked out and was able to buy two boxes of ammo.

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home, but stopped
at Costco for some gas where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short
skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of ammo, bent over and leaned in my
passenger window with all her software in full display, and said in a sexy
voice, "I'm a big believer in bartering. Would you be interested in
trading sex for ammo?"


I thought for a few seconds then asked, "What kind of ammo ya got?"

http://lh6.ggpht.com/-TNViLVgyXsU/T3...%252520car.jpg

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Boudreaux & Marie were having their first fight, and it was a big one. After a while, Boudreaux said "When we got married, you promised to love, honor and obey."

Marie replied, "I know. But I didn't want to start an argument in front of all dem people at the wedding."

Re: Joke of the Day
 

One of my all time favorites:

Boudreaux is playing pool one day at the bar and in walks Thibodeaux, through the door Boudreaux can see Thibodeaux's truck is full of pink boxes, Boudreaux asks 'What chu got dere"?

Thibodeaux replies, Nutrasweet ; Boudreaux asks "What you gonna do wit dat"?, Thibodeaux replies "going Nurta hunting". Boudreaux replies "it will nevah work", Thibodeaux replies, "Youll see".

4 hours later Thibodeaux returns to the bar with a truck full of Nutra to which Boudreaux says "Well ill be damned".

A few weeks later Boudreaux is playing pool again at the bar and in walks Thibodeaux, through the door Boudreaux can see T's truck is full of brown boxes, B asks 'What chu got dere"?

Thibodeaux replies, Duck Tape ; Boudreaux asks "What you gonna do wit dat"?, Thibodeaux replies "going Duck hunting". Boudreaux replies "it will nevah work", Thibodeaux replies, "Youll see".

4 hours later Thibodeaux returns to the bar with a truck full of Ducks to which Boudreaux says "Well ill be damned".

Again, a week later Boudreaux is playing pool at the bar and in walks Thibodeaux, through the door Boudreaux can see Thibodeaux's truck is full of wheat colored bails, Boudreaux asks 'What chu got dere"?

Thibodeaux replies, "puzzy-willow" ; Boudreaux replies "Hangon!! let me get my coat!!!!!!".

Re: Joke of the Day
 

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

Re: Joke of the Day
 

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it.

The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo. He's really worried but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother. It says:
"Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle...It makes your nose look too short."

Love, Grandma

Re: Joke of the Day
 

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute Mexican refugee outside an Arizona immigration office.

"Good man," the fairy said, "I've been sent here by the American government and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in
The United States with your wife and eight children."

The man told the fairy, "Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them."

The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING !-- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

"What else?" asked the fairy, "Two more wishes to go."

The refugee claimant now got bolder. "I need a big house with a three-car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country.. I want to bring them all over here" --- and -- PING !-- In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three-car garage, a long driveway, and a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.

"One more wish," said the fairy, waving her wand.

"Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this sombrero. And I want to have white skin like Americans" ---and --- PING ! --

The Man was transformed - wearing Worn-out jeans, a Baltimore
Orioles T-shirt, and a baseball Cap. He had his bad teeth back
And the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

"What happened to my new teeth?" He wailed. "Where is my new house?"

The fairy said: "Tough luck, Amigo, now that you are a white American, you have to fend for yourself." :o

Re: Joke of the Day
 

The Husband Store:

A new store that sells new husbands has opened in Toronto , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, however you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs...

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Like Children...

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Good Jobs, Love Children, and are Extremely Good Looking...

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Very Good Jobs, Love Children, are Extremely Good Looking and Help With Most Housework...

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Exceptional Jobs that pay them very well, they Love Children, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with all the Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak, and they are 100% Faithful.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 18,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Please Exit to the right to make room for more unreasonable shoppers. (scroll down and keep reading!)
________________________________________
PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. Similar instructions are posted at the entrance of this store as well.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have their own money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited...

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Oh yea... I visited the third floor....

The third floor has more than enough young sexy women with big boobs, who love great sex and easily have enough money to support the both of us, love alcohol, never complains and absolutely loves Saints Football. :D

I didn't venture any further. :bng:

Moral of the story... Finish the joke correctly. :p

Re: Joke of the Day
 

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commerical airline are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get underway. The pilot and the copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers left and right as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react, thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes, the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking at the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the plane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer to the end of the runway the voices are getting more and more hysterical. Finally, when the plane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot, "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream and we are going to get killed!"

Re: Joke of the Day
 

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, “I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, low life scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who doesn’t know how to drive.

So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!

He retaliated by yelling, “Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!”

“And, there we were, in the middle of the road, hugging and shaking hands, when a truck hit us.”

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Barack Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, “I want to go to Disneyland “

Barack said, “No problem, I”ll take you there on my Airforce One airplane.”

The second kid said, “I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan”s shoes.”

Barack said, “I”ll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them!”

The third kid said, “ I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!”

Barack was a little perplexed by this and said, “But you don”t look like you”re handicapped.”

The kid said, “I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning!”

Re: Joke of the Day
 

A young punker gets on the crosstown bus. He's got spiked, multicolored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers.
He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just sits and glares at him for the next 10 miles.
Finally, the punker gets self-conscious and barks at the old man: "What are you looking at, you old fart? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"

Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah. Back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore and had sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son."

Re: Joke of the Day
 

God came down and first he went to the Germans and He said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."

And the Germans asked, what are Commandments?"

And the Lord said, "Rules for living."

"Can you give us an example?"

"Thou shalt not kill."

"Not kill? We're not interested."

So He went to the Italians and said, "I have Commandments."

And the Italians wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not steal."

"Not steal? We're not interested."

He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."

The French wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife."

"Not covet my neighbor's wife? We're not interested."

He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."

"Commandments?" "How much are they?"

"They're free."

"We'll take 10."

Re: Joke of the Day
 

The crime boss and his attorney meet with his accountant. "Where is the 3.3 million you stole from me?" demands the gangster.

The accountant is silent.

The crime boss shouts, "Where's my $3 million?"

The lawyer explains, "Sir, the man is mute and deaf. Allow me to translate."

Using sign language, the attorney asks the accountant about the money, and the message is relayed back that the accountant knows nothing about it.

Furious, the crime boss puts a gun to the mute accountant's head, screaming at the lawyer, "Ask him again where my money is or I'll blow his brains out."

"Okay! Okay!" the accountant signs back. "The money is hidden behind the old toolshed in my backyard."

"What did he say?" demands the enraged crime boss.

The attorney replied, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

Re: Joke of the Day
 

"I'm sorry" and "my bad" mean the same thing.
Unless you are at a funeral.

Re: Joke of the Day
 

*Cop pulls over a man*

"sir id like you to take this breathalyzer test"

man: "I cant, I have asthma, I might have an attack"

cop: "then I need to take a blood sample"

man: "no sir, I'm a hemophiliac, I might bleed to death"

cop: "ok, ill need a pee sample"

man: "I cant do that either officer, I'm a diabetic, I might get low blood sugar"

cop: "fine, just walk this line"

man: "I cant"

cop: "why?"

man: "cause I'm drunk"

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Re: Joke of the Day
 

A golfer is walking down the road carrying his clubs when he sees an Arab being held up at gunpoint. He pulls out a wedge and smashes it over the back of the robber's head, knocking him unconscious.

"You probably saved my life," says the grateful Arab. "I am a member of the Saudi Royal Family and I have the power and money to give you anything you desire as a reward."

The golfer glances at his golf bag.

"Some golf clubs would be nice," he says.

Two weeks later, the Sheikh's secretary calls him up.

"We've got your golf clubs," she says, "but the Sheikh would like to apologize to you in advance: only three of them have swimming pools."

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Re: Joke of the Day
 

"I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated
Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning seven Tour
de France races while on drugs.

When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike."

- Willie Nelson

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Man asks his doctor, "Can I have sex with my pregnant wife?"
The doctor replied: "Yes. The first 3 months will be just like normal the next three months you should do it like dog and the last three months you should do it like tiger."
The man replies: "Tiger? I don't know that method."
The doctor explains : "Like Tiger Woods. Sleep with other women

Re: Joke of the Day
 

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me. !'

'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks. 'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my dick around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You
really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.

'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.

The parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.

'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'

'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.

'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.

'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'

'Yes.

Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!'

Re: Joke of the Day
 

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake.
A hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh... if I go
down three inches, I will feel the mist from the water and I will
be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes
down three inches I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking "Gosh...if that fly goes
down three inches... that fish will jump for the fly... and I
will eat him."

It also happened that a hunter was further up the bank of the
lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh" he thought "if
that fly goes down three inches... and that fish leaps for it...
that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot
the bear and then have a proper lunch."

You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a
lake, but I can tell you there was more. A wee mouse by the
hunter's foot was thinking "Gosh... if that fly goes down three
inches... and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs
for that fish... the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his
cheese sandwich."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as
was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around
lunch time "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches...and that
fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that
fish...and that hunter shoots that bear... and that mouse makes
off with the cheese sandwich... then I can have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for
the cooling mist of the water... The fish swallows the fly... The
bear grabs the fish... The hunter shoots the bear... The mouse
grabs the cheese sandwich... The cat jumps for the mouse... The
mouse ducks... The cat falls into the water.

The moral of the story is.... Whenever a fly goes down three
inches... Some p*u*s*s*y is probably in danger.

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Re: Joke of the Day
 

A man walked into his back yard one morning and found a gorilla in a tree.

He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun.

"Now listen carefully," he told the homeowner. "I'm going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctively crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap on the handcuffs."

"Got it," the homeowner replied. "But what's the shotgun for?"

"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla," the man said, "shoot the Chihuahua."

Re: Joke of the Day
 

The artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied.

"What's the good news?"

"The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 35 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor."

Re: Joke of the Day
 

One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your peniz reach your azzhole**?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."

The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your peniz reach your azzhole*?" "No" said Little Johhny. "Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied.

The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your peniz reach your azzhole?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fu#k yourself. These are my cookies!"

Re: Joke of the Day
 

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked..

Holding the bucket up, he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Re: Joke of the Day
 

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"

All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, some yesterday, some couldn't remember. The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart." The women were then told to exchange phones and to read aloud the text message responses.

Here are some of the replies:

1. Who is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?
3. I love you too.
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What did you do now?
7. ?!?
8. Don't beat around the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed we would not drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay, isn't she??

Re: Joke of the Day
 

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character.

She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge, "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"

The judge said that was true.

"Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked.

The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.

The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."

Re: Joke of the Day
 

One day while playing golf I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and accomplished golfer, living
in a villa on the golf course heard the noise and called out,
“Are you okay, what's your name?"

"It’s Mark, and I’m OK, thanks" I replied.
"Mark, forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while,
and then I'll help you get the cart back on its wheels."

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered
”But I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on," she insisted.

She was very pretty and persuasive.
"Well okay," I finally agreed, yet added,
"But my wife won't like it."

After a restorative brandy and a brief sit in the shade,
I thanked my hostess. "I feel a lot better now,
but I know my wife is going to be very upset."

"Don't be silly!” Elizabeth said with a smile, “She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Under the cart!" I replied....

Re: Joke of the Day
 

WELFARE CHECK

A young man walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare.

I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said..."Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2013 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes." "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullsh*ttin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well...You started it."

Re: Joke of the Day
 

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer.

"I can arrange some things for you," the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold; your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment.

"Okay, what's the catch?" he asked.

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Jokes about men

"A Woman's body is a work of art. A man's body is utilitarian. It's for gettin' around. Kinda like a Jeep."
— Elaine on Seinfeld on why men shouldn't walk around naked

Q: Why do men talk so dirty?
A: So they can wash their mouths out with beer.

Q: Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
A: When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.