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PG-13... WARNING... VERY STRONG LANGUAGE. Use of the F-Word....

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So I picked up this girl the other day and she took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly. I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open. "Oh **** , it's my boyfriend ! " she exclaimed "Quick, use the backdoor" .

Now it's at about this time I probably should have left but you just don't get an offer like that every day.

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An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch and sit with them, so she put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men
were eating.

Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked: "Any of you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other, very confused.

Then, one of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled back down, "Why?"

The worker yelled back, " 'Cause his mom's here with his lunch."

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Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, with a warning from the Mother Superior not to get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked.

In the middle of the project, there’s a knock at the door.

“Who is it?” calls one of the nuns.

“Blind man,” replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, both deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room.

They open the door..

“Nice boobs,” says the man. “Where do you want the blinds?”

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In Texas, there is a town named New Braunfels, where there is a large German-speaking population.

One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.

The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: "Sehr angenehm! Trink das Wasser nicht. Die kuehe haben darein geschissen."(Translated: "Glad to meet you! Don't drink the water. The cows have **** in it.")

The man shouted back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Obama's health care plan. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."

The rancher replied: "Use both hands."

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One evening, while sharing a few drinks at the bar, one of the ladies suggests, "Let's name our Leroys after a soda pop, because I'm tired of getting my Leroy mixed up with your Leroy, and her Leroy mixed up with your Leroy."
The other two ladies agree.
The first lady speaks out, "Okay then, I'm gonna name my Leroy 7-Up because he has 7 inches and it's always up!"
The three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other high fives.
Then, the second lady says, "I'm gonna name my Leroy Mountain Dew because he can mount and do me any day of the week."
Again, the three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other more high fives.
The third lady then says, "You know, those two Leroys were good, but I'm gonna name my Leroy, Jack Daniels."
The other two ladies shout in unison, "Jack Daniels? That's not a soda pop... that's a hard liquor!"
The third lady bursts out, "That's my Leroy!"

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The local synagogue is having their taxes audited. The IRS agent goes through the audit normally, and finds nothing wrong with the synagogue's taxes. Eager to find something amiss, he looks around and sees the candles burning. "Rabbi Rabinowitz," he begins, "what do you do with the drippings from the candles you burn?" The Rabbi quickly replies, "Well, we gather them up and send them back to the candle makers, and once a year they send us a complete box of candles." Slightly annoyed at this answer, the tax man makes another attempt to catch the Rabbi on something. He asks, "What do you do with the crumbs and leftovers of the cracker things you eat?" He is pleased with himself as the Rabbi takes a moment to think it over.

After a moment, the Rabbi replies, "Well, we gather them up, send them to the cracker company, and once a year they send us a complete box of crackers." At this point, the IRS agent is furious, and the Rabbi knows what's going on. In a last ditch effort, the agent asks, "Okay, and what about the leftover foreskins from your circumcisions? What do you do with those?" Without missing a beat, the Rabbi replies,

"Well, we gather them up, and send them to the IRS. Once a year, they send us a complete dick."

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Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100."

The one says to the other, "should we do it??" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it." So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says "well, did you get the money?" He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it??"

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Barack Obama at an elementary school assembly in East Texas, asked the audience for total silence. Then, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds.

Then he said into the microphone, "Everytime I clap my hands, a child in America dies because of gun violence."

Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl said, "Well, dumba$$, stop clapping!"

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Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

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A young Chinese couple get married. She's a virgin & they are both waiters (truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that). On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets, as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

"My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows, and he waits patiently and eagerly for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls ... Nummaa 69".

More thoughtful silence, but this time from him.
Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her...

"So... You want ... Garlic Chicken with Corrifrowa?"

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An old Italian gentleman lived alone in New Jersey.He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,Don’t dig up that garden. That’ s where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. The next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie

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A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'
Clearing his throat, he stammered... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... that was me.'

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The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman And she was upset.

‘You are a disrespectful pig!’ she cried. ‘How dare you do this to me — a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away !

And the husband replied, ‘Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.

‘Go ahead,’ she sobbed,’ but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!’

And the husband began — ‘Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift.

She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.

She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight.

The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, whi ch you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.

‘The husband took a quick breath and continued – ‘She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, ‘Please, Do you have Anything else that your wife doesn’t use?

And that’s how we ended up in bed......

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Obama: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
*Nobody stands up*
Obama: "I'm sure there are some stupid people over here!!"
*Reporter Johnny stands up*
Obama: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
Reporter Johnny: "No... I just feel bad that you're standing alone..."

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Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says, "You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!!!!"

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When you occasionally have a really bad
day and you just need to take it out on
someone, don’t take it out on someone
you know, take it out on someone you
don’t know.
I was sitting in my front room when I
remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to
make. I found the number and dialed it. A
man answered.
I politely said, ‘Hello, this is David. Could I
please speak with Robyn?’
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my
ear ‘Get the right number!’ and the phone
was slammed down on me.
I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so
rude. When I tracked down Robyn’s
correct number to call her, I found that I
had accidentally transposed the last two
digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to
call the ‘wrong’ number again.
When the same guy answered the phone,
I yelled ‘You’re an a**hole!’ and hung up. I
wrote his number down with the word
‘a**hole’ next to it, and put it in my cell
phone.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying
bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him
up and yell, ‘You’re an a**hole!’
It always cheered me right up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought
my therapeutic ‘a**hole calling’ would
have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, ‘Hi, this
is John Smith from Verizon. I’m calling to
see if you’re familiar with our Caller ID
Program?’
He yelled ‘NO!’ and slammed down the
phone.
I quickly called him back and said, ‘That’s
because you’re an a**hole!’
One day I was at the store, getting ready
to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and
pulled into the spot I had patiently waited
for. I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been
waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored
me. I noticed a ‘For Sale’ sign in his back
window which included his phone
number, so I wrote down the number.
A couple of days later, right after calling
the first a**hole (I had his number on
speed dial) I thought that I’d better call
the BMW a**hole, too. I said, ‘Is this the
man with the black BMW for sale?’
‘Yes, it is’, he said.
‘Can you tell me where I can see it?’ I
asked.
‘Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Drive, in Eagle
River. It’s a yellow house, and the car’s
parked right out in front.’
‘What’s your name?’ I asked.
‘My name is Don Hansen,’ he said.
‘When’s a good time to catch you, Don?’
‘I’m home every evening after five.’
‘Listen, Don, can I tell you something?’
‘Yes?’
‘Don, you’re an a**hole!’ Then I hung up.
Now, when I had a particularly bad day, I
had two a**holes to call.
Then I came up with an idea. I called
a**hole #1.
‘Hello.’
‘You’re an a**hole!’ (but I didn’t hang up)
‘Are you still there?’ he asked.
‘Yeah,’ I said.
‘Stop calling me!’, he screamed.
‘Make me,’ I said.
‘Who are you?’ he asked.
‘My name is Don Hansen.’
‘Yeah? Where do you live?’
‘I live at 34 Mowbray Drive, Eagle River, a
yellow house, with my black Beamer
parked in front, a**hole.’
He said, ‘I’m coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your
prayers.’
I said, ‘Yeah, like I’m really scared,
a**hole,’ and hung up.
Then I called a**hole #2. ‘Hello?’ he said.
‘Hello, a**hole,’ I said.
He yelled, ‘If I ever find out who you
are…’
‘You’ll what?’ I said!
‘I’ll kick your ass,’ he exclaimed.
I answered, ‘Well, a**hole, here’s your
chance. I’m coming over right now.’
Then I hung up and immediately called
the police, saying that I lived at 34
Mowbray Drive, Eagle River, and that I
was on my way over there to kill my gay
lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the
gang war going down in Mowbray Drive,
Eagle River.
I quickly got into my car and headed over
to Mowbray Drive.
I got there just in time to watch two
a**holes beating the crap out of each
other in front of six cop cars, an
overhead police helicopter and a news
crew.

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There is a fellow who is talking to his buddy and says, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. I'm stumped." His buddy says, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" The first fellow does just that. The next day, his buddy asks, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours!'

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A typical macho man married a typical good looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table, unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not."

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One day, there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it. The other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush for so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the stream. All of a sudden, the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady, I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."

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I double dare you.

http://media.treehugger.com/assets/i...ilet-photo.jpg

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Ohio State 's Urban Meyer on one of his players: "He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words."
___________________________________________

Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?
So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.
___________________________________________

What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?
Drool.
___________________________________________

How many Michigan freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb?

None. That's a sophomore course.
___________________________________________

How did the Georgia football player die from drinking milk?

The cow fell on him.
___________________________________________

Two Texas A&M football players were walking in the woods.

One of them said, "Look, a dead bird."

The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"
___________________________________________

A University of Cincinnati football player was almost killed yesterday in a tragic horseback-riding accident.

He fell from a horse and was nearly trampled to death.

Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse. ___________________________________________
What do you say to a Michigan State University football player dressed in a three-piece suit? "

"Will the defendant please rise."
___________________________________________

If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving?

The police officer.
___________________________________________

How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend?

There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.
___________________________________________

What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?

A full set of teeth.
___________________________________________

University of Michigan Coach Brady Hoke is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week; the other half will have to dress themselves.
___________________________________________

How is the Indiana football team like an opossum?
They play dead at home and get killed on the road.
___________________________________________

Why did the Nebraska linebacker steal a police car?

He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche.
___________________________________________

How do you get a former Illinois football player off your porch?

Pay him for the pizza.

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Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight . When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills. The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10.00 a pill," answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow. " Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110. "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"

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A man in the Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.
The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some arsehole wants to buy half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."
"No sh*t?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

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As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg She tried to take the step, only to discover that she could not.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg with a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Kentuckian who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

The Kentuckian smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

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I went to the bar last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said, “Nice legs.”

The girl giggled and said with a smile, “Do you really think so.”

I said “Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now.”

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After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said ...... "Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now ... I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 63-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great?

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Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?” 80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.

“Mr. Barnes, it’s obviously not a good morning for golf. It’s good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”

“I don’t have any,” he replied gruffly.

“Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?”

“Ninety-eight,” he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

“Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?”

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, “I outlived all them @$$holes”

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Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week Vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news.

Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency Landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!”

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, “Esther, did we pay our Visa and Master Card bill yet?”

“No, sweetheart,” she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, “Esther,
did we pay our American Express card yet?”
“Oh, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check,” she says.

“One last thing Esther. Did you remember to send the installment
check for the IRS this quarter?” he asks.
“Oh, forgive me, Abe,” begged Esther. “I didn’t send that
one, either.”

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.
Esther pulls away and asks him, “What was that for?”

Abe answers, “They’ll find us!”

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A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, 'It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?'

He says, 'O. K., Get in the car with it.'

'Where shall I put it to get it warm?'

He says, 'Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.

'But what about the smell?'

'Just hold its little nose.'

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

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http://blackandgold.com/attachment.p...1&d=1381131532

xkcd: Open Letter