Re: Joke of the Day
 

Where did "piss poor" come from?

Even if you're young and hip, this is still interesting.

NOW THIS IS A REAL EDUCATION

Us older people need to learn something new every day...

Just to keep the grey matter tuned up.
_______________

Where did "Piss Poor" come from? Interesting Story.

They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot.

And then once it was full it was taken and sold to the tannery...

If you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor".
But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot...

They "didn't have a pot to piss in" and were the lowest of the low.
_______________

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.

Here are some facts about the 1500's

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May,

And they still smelled pretty good by June.. However, since they were starting to smell, Brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.

Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
_______________

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.

The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water,

Then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children.

Last of all the babies.

By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.
Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water!"
_______________

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath.

It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof.

When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.

This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings Could mess up your nice clean bed.

Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection.

That's how canopy beds came into existence.
_______________

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.

Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery In the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing..

As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, It would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence: a threshhold.

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire.

Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers In the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day.

Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.

Hence the rhyme:

?Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."
_______________

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.

When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off.

It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon."

They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.
_______________

Those with money had plates made of pewter.

Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death.

This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
_______________

Bread was divided according to status..

Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle,

And guests got the top, or the upper crust.
_______________

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky.
The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days..
Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.
They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.

Hence the custom; ?holding a wake."
_______________

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people.

So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave.

When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.

Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be,
?saved by the bell" or was "considered a dead ringer."
_______________

And that's the truth. Now, whoever said history was boring!!!

Re: Joke of the Day
 

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to
the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:

"Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood
knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I
hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no
need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors.
This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you
placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those
circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if
you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more
question.

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

Re: Joke of the Day
 

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.’

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'

Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He cou ld fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died and I married his wife.

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Q: How do you say Tony Romo in spanish?
A: Mark Sanchez

Re: Joke of the Day
 

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would
pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly
have the child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide
child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born..

To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and

write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child
support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey, she said, 'you
received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife
obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.


On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs,two without.

Send extra sauce.

Re: Joke of the Day
 

If you want a visual!

Re: Joke of the Day
 

At a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that
her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.

For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know
who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would
agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda
figured we was friends."

Re: Joke of the Day
 

There were five houses of religion in a small town:

A Presbyterian Church,
A Baptist Church,
A Methodist Church,
A Catholic Church and
A Jewish Synagogue

Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town.

Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But the Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution.

They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church.

Now they only see them on Christmas , Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service gave it a circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

Re: Joke of the Day
 

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat agreed to look after her
neighbors' male dog while they were on vacation. She had a large house and
believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.

However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and
moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in
obvious pain and unable to disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, she called the
veterinarian. Although it was late, he answered in a very grumpy voice.

After having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone
and place it down alongside the dogs.
I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male
lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me," he replied.

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man
Walking with his legs spread apart.

He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend:

"I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.
Those people walk just like that."

The other student says:

"No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.
He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him
And one of the students said to him,

"We're medical students and couldn't help
But notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have.
Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said,

"I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."


The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."


So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"


The old man said,

"I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

Re: Joke of the Day
 

What is Courage?


What is the meaning of courage?

Is it to fight a bull without a weapon?

Is it to fly a fighter in combat?


Is it to practice free fall parachuting?

Is it bungee jumping? White water rafting?

Horsefeathers - those are nothing!

THIS, my friend, is COURAGE!!!


http://blackandgold.com/attachment.p...1&d=1396295643


Plus it's the last photo I have

of my dog, Whitey

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Courage comes in many forms!

Re: Joke of the Day
 

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court
Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honour,' the husband said. 'And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

Re: Joke of the Day
 

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife
at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really
good with the kids.'

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Two detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun',' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it made a hole in Juan.'

Re: Joke of the Day
 

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap
of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by
even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Florida
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.


Georgia
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."


Louisiana
A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying, "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."
When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."
Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."


North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."


Tennessee
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"


Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "

Joke of the Day
 

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this fu3xkibg badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?.... do you understand?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge, show him your fu3k1ng BADGE!!!

Re: Joke of the Day
 

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant, and order the ‘Chicken Surprise’.

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around, before the lid slams back down.

‘Good grief, did you see that?’ she asks her husband.

He hadn’t, so she asks him to look in the pot.

He reaches for it and again the lid rises and he sees two little eyes, looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

‘Please sir,’ says the waiter, ‘what you order?’

The husband replies, ‘Chicken Surprise’.

Ah! So sorry,’ says the waiter, ‘I bring you…Peeking Duck by mistake’

Re: Joke of the Day
 

I went to the store and asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around and looked them in the eye and said "make it 52".

Re: Joke of the Day
 

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."

He lost 33 lbs that week.

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Carol, a blonde city girl, marries a Cornish dairy farmer.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Carol, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the rail above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

So then the farmer leaves for the fields.

After a while, the insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Carol takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.'

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another dizzy blonde, the man asks,

'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?'

'That's simple; by the nail over its stall', Carol explains very confidently.

Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'

She turns and starts to walk away and with complete confidence, says over her shoulder, ........

'To hang your trousers on.'

Re: Joke of the Day
 

A man walks into a bar with a gun he fires a shot in the ceiling and yells out "who is the bastard that has been sleeping with my wife".
The place goes dead silent and after a little while a voice is heard from the back "dude you don't have enough bullets".

Re: Joke of the Day
 

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?"

Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me..."

God commented, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Ah, yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention!

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

"Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "but, hold on."

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

Re: Joke of the Day
 

SEX JOKE

A Japanese couple is having an argument over ways of performing highly erotic sex:

Husband: Sukitaki.
Wife replies: Kowanini!

Husband says: Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!
Wife on her knees literally begging: Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!

Husband replies angrily: Na miaou kina tim kouji!

I can't believe you just sat and tried to read this. As if you understand Japanese! Unbelievable!

This just proves that you would read anything as long as it is about sex. :bs:

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Three blondes, an American, a Brit and a Canadian, died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter The Kingdom of Heaven, they had to tell him what Easter represented.

The American blonde, said "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.

The British blonde said "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.

The Canadian blonde said she knew what Easter was, and St. Peter said,"So, tell me."

She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having the Passover feast with His disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him.

The Romans hung him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried him in a tomb behind a very large boulder... "

St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."

Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey."

Re: Joke of the Day
 

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they see a red phone and ask what it’s for.

The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished, the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes and when she is finished, the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished, the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this, he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.

The devil replies, “Since Obama took over, the country's gone to hell, so it's a local call."

Re: Joke of the Day
 

After my wife died I couldn't look at another women for almost 10 years.

But now that I'm out of prison I can honestly say it was all worth it.

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Re: Joke of the Day
 

A woman speeding passed over a bridge to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher?

And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot a$$hole ? " he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket - $95.00

Court Costs - $45.00

Satisfaction - Priceless

Re: Joke of the Day
 

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'.


He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,
'If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'

He grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.

He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

Why ???



Everyone knows.. you can't kill Two Birds with OneStone!!!

Re: Joke of the Day
 

A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hand.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Hamad raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Hamad , tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

Hamad replied, "Ghost? From way back there I thought you said goats."

Re: Joke of the Day
 

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and
pennies saved.

But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that she
had missed Janie.

Janie, do you have a story to share?'
'

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy.
She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She
had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of
whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.


''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?


"Stay the hell away from Mommy when she's been drinking."

Re: Joke of the Day
 

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.' The guy left but did not return that day.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?' The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.' The guy left and again, did not return that day.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut? The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half.' The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favor follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back later.

A little while later, Bob returns to the shop.

The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'

Bob said, 'Your house! '

Re: Joke of the Day
 

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I
have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is going to poison me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me. What should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I
can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to your wife on the
phone for three hours. You want my advice?

The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

Re: Joke of the Day
 

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said.

"Of course, John," his wife said softly.

"Six months after I die," John said, "I want you to marry Bob."

"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.

With his last breath John said, "I do!"

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Whodat is on a roll!!!

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your
casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you,
what would you like them to say?"

Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine
spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"