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Joke of the Day

this is a discussion within the Everything Else Community Forum; Well Wally gets home late one night and Linda, his wife, says “Where the hell have you been?” Wally replies “I was out getting a tattoo!” “A tattoo”? She frowned. “What kind of tattoo did you get?” “I got a ...

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Old 03-03-2013, 04:24 PM   #551
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Re: Joke of the Day

Well Wally gets home late one night and Linda, his wife, says “Where the hell have you been?” Wally replies “I was out getting a tattoo!”

“A tattoo”? She frowned. “What kind of tattoo did you get?”

“I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates” he said proudly.

“What the hell were you thinking”? She said, shaking her head in disgust. “Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?”

“Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.”
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Old 03-04-2013, 06:06 PM   #552
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Old 03-04-2013, 06:17 PM   #553
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Old 03-06-2013, 09:24 PM   #554
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Old 03-08-2013, 12:22 AM   #555
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Re: Joke of the Day

Two Women were chatting in office..

Woman 1:"I had a fine evening, how was yours.. ??

Woman 2:"It was a disaster.. My husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes and fell a sleep.. How was yours.. ??
...
Woman 1:"Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out for a romantic dinner.. After dinner we walked for an hour.. When we came home he lit the candles around the house..It was like a fairy tale!

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work..

Husband 1:"How was your evening.. ??

Husband 2:"Great.. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate and fell asleep.
What about you ??

Husband 1:"It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner, they cut the electricity because I forgot to pay the bill; so I took her out for dinner which was so expensive that i didn't had money left for a cab. We walked home which took an hour and when we got home i remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house!!

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Old 03-08-2013, 12:23 AM   #556
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Re: Joke of the Day

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is couple sex?"

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"

The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs."

You kids get off my lawn!
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Old 03-08-2013, 07:48 PM   #557
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The Old Woman walked up and tied her old mule to the hitch rail. As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, saying, “Hey old woman, have you ever danced?”

The old woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, “No, I never did dance... Never really wanted to.”

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, “Well, you old bag, you’re gonna dance now,” and started shooting at the old woman’s feet.

The old woman prospector - not wanting to get her toe blown off - started hopping around. Everybody was laughing.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old woman’s hands, as she quietly said, “Son, have you ever licked a mule’s ass?”

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, “No ma’am... But... I’ve always wanted to.”

There are a few lessons for us all here:

1 - Never be Arrogant.
2 - Don’t Waste Ammunition.
3 - Whiskey Makes You Think You’re Smarter Than You Are.
4 - Always, Always Make Sure You Know Who Has The Power.
5 - Don’t Mess With Old Women; They Didn’t Get Old By Being Stupid...

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."
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Old 03-08-2013, 07:50 PM   #558
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Re: Joke of the Day

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn’t afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn’t want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The husband said to the doctor, "B’Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don’t see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."
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Old 03-08-2013, 07:55 PM   #559
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Re: Joke of the Day

Atlanta Tower: "Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land on runway 9R."

Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta . Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised."

Atlanta Tower: " Iran Air 711 - You are cleared to land on runway 27L."

Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta . We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 27L. -Allah is Great."

Pause....

Saudi Air: ATLANTA TOWER! ATLANTA TOWER!"

Atlanta Tower: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511.."

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE! INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE!"

Atlanta Tower: "Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all go on ahead now and tell Allah "hey" for us."

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."
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Old 03-09-2013, 06:01 PM   #560
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Re: Joke of the Day

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.� It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN.'

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, 'How much will a brain cost?'

The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a Democrat brain; $200 for a Republican brain.'

The moment turned awkward. Some of the Democrats actually had to 'try' to not smile, avoiding eye contact with the Republicans.

A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the Democrat brain so much more than a Republican brain?'

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the Republicans' brains a lot lower because they're used."

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."
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