Re: Joke of the Day
 

A man was telling his buddy, “You won’t believe what happened last night... My daughter walked into the living room and said,

‘Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window; take my TV, and my laptop. Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters.

Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again. And don’t forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any charity you choose.’”

“Holy Smokes,” replied the friend, “she actually said that?”

“Well, she didn’t put it quite like that, she actually said... ‘Dad, meet my new boyfriend - Mohammed. We’re going to work together on Hillary’s election campaign!’”

Re: Joke of the Day
 

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites.

His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.

Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.

Croesus said, “I’ll give you 100,000 dinars for it.”

“But I paid a million dinars for it,” the King protested. “Don’t you know who I am? I am the king!”

Croesus replied: “When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are.”

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If you didn't like that pun, you definitely won't like this one!

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter's Square.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall and 36-24-36.

When she walks into a room, people say, "Jesus Christ!

Re: Joke of the Day
 

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'

Re: Joke of the Day
 

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!" "What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look. "The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

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http://img.pandawhale.com/75195-King...shake-t3bo.gif

Re: Joke of the Day
 

George W. Bush and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Obama was quick to stop him saying, “No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I’ve been in a whorehouse.”

The second barber turned to Bush and said, “How about you sir?”

Bush replied, “Go ahead; my wife doesn’t know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.”

Re: Joke of the Day
 

A man was eating breakfast with his 10-year-old granddaughter and asked her, "What day is tomorrow"?

Without skipping a beat she said, "It's Presidents Day!" .

She's smart, so he asked her "What does Presidents Day mean?"

I was waiting for something about Obama, Bush or Clinton, etc.

She replied, "Presidents Day is when the President steps out
of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have 3 more years of Bull Shyt."

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose!

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Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy.'

One little boy stood up and offered an illustration. A little boy who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'

'No,' said Obama, 'that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.'

'I'm afraid not,' explained Obama. 'That's what we would call great loss.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched the room. .Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand.

In a quiet voice he said: 'If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'

'Well,' says the boy, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss...and it probably wouldn't be an accident either.

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Obama visits a primary school to talk to the kids. After his talk he offers to answer some questions.

First a little girl puts up his hand, and Obama asks for her name.

"Suzanne," responds the little girl.

"And what is your question, Suzanne"?

"I have four questions:

First, Why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?

Second, Why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually gotten worse?

Third, Why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preaching and beliefs?

Fourth, Why are we lending mega bucks to Brazil to drill for oil, but America is not allowed to drill for oil?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess. The teacher says they will continue after recess.

When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right: Question time.. Who has a question"?

Little Johnny puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks for his name.

"Johnny" he responds.

"And what is your question, Johnny"?

"Actually, I have two questions.

First, Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?

Second, Where is Suzanne"?

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This couple of "a certain age" had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their mobile phones.

The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend.

She texted:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you.

The husband, texted back:

I'm on the toilet..... please advise.

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The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20-year old bride who is pregnant with my child.

So what do you think about that Doc?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story:

"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.

One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.

"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said , "Logic suggests that someone else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied , "My point exactly."

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There was a little boy who was born without eyelids,so the doctor used the little boys foreskin to make eyelids for him....sadly,the little boy is all cock-eyed now.

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Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer,

The second man was an Accountant,

The third man was a Chemist,

The fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, “T-square, do your stuff.”

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,“Spreadsheet, do your stuff.”

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, “Measure, do your stuff.”

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, “What can your cat do?”

The Government Employee called his cat and said, “Coffee Break, do your
stuff.”

Coffee Break jumped to his feet...

Ate the cookies...

Drank the milk...

Sh*t on the paper...

Screwed the other three cats...

Claimed he injured his back while doing so.

Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions...

Put in for Workers Compensation… and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave…

AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Yes it is!

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Two cannibals are eating a clown......one cannibal turns to the other and says "does this taste funny to you?"

Re: Joke of the Day
 

I heard cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny!

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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid
her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m
sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet.

“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a
few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner
looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front
paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few
minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and
also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on
its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, your duck is most definitely, 100% certifiably dead.”

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a
bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried,
“$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!”

The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.

Re: Joke of the Day
 

A very rich man kept a pair of lions to guard his property. Each one took turns being on duty.

One night, a group of midgets tried to rob him, but the lion on patrol caught them and ate them.

When police arrived, the sergeant asked skeptically, "Well, so where is this group of midgets you say broke in?"

The rich man pointed proudly to his guardians and said, "It's all in the lion of duty."

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner only has one golf ball.

"Don't you have at least one other golf ball?", he asked.

The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one.

"Are you sure?", the friend persisted.

"What happens if you lose that ball?"

The other guy replied, "This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it so I don't need another one."

"Well," the friend asked, "what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?"

"That's okay," he replied, "this special golf ball floats. I'll be able to retrieve it."

"Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?"

The other guy replied, "That's okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back -- no problem."

Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do
then?"

"No problem," says the other guy, "you see, this ball is fluorescent. I'll be able to see it in the dark."

Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you buy a golf ball like that anyway?"

The other guy replies, "I found it."

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The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

“What happened?” she asks anxiously.

“What happened!! I’ll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found ? Yes, your daughter, my Jean, with a naked guy in our bed! This is unforgiveable, the end of our marriage. I’m done. I’m leaving forever!”

“Calm down, calm down!” says his mother-in-law. “There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I’ll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened.”

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

“I told you there must be a simple explanation .....she didn’t receive your E-mail!”

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An uninformed voter heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful.

She left a note for her milkman Dave to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. Dave thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The uninformed voter came to the door and the milkman said, “I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?”

The uninformed voter said, “No, I want 25 gallons. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.”

David the milkman asked, “Do you want it pasteurized?”

The uninformed voter said, “No, just up to my tits. I can just splash it on my eyes.”

You got a bonus. A pun and an uninformed voter joke all rolled up in one.

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Have friends in Boston, used to visit New England often, really miss it...

I'm Scot-Irish, so one year we started staying by this one pub and a crazy thing happens...

During a break in the music seisiun, some old man hails "24" and a burst of laughter...

Back in the pub that weekend, cute gingered girl hollers "13" and regulars crack up laughin'...

So we lean over to the Pub Master and we ask "so what gives?"

Mr O'Shea, fine man, explains 'they've heard 'em all' and jokes have a number to save time for music, story-tellin'...

And so if you're a regular, you pick up on them on the side from other regulars...


This was great! We went all summer learning jokes, great jokes from local characters...

So early that Fall, during a music break, my friend Mark yells "six" and oohf -the most uncomfortable silence...

Seemed like every face was dark, shaking their heads...

Mr. O'Shea calmly walks down the bar, cleaning a pitcher, looks over his shoulder, leans over and says...

"Look Boys, I like ya...now don't take it too hard, but some folks can tell a joke and some can't..." :neutral:

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A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees.

The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.

The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers).

The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused.

How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion.


Apparently your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

Re: Joke of the Day
 

With a very seductive voice a wife asked her husband "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No" said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached in her cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No I haven't" he said with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her skirt, seductively reached into her tight sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now" she said "Have you ever seen $50,000 all
crumpled up?"

"No way" he said becoming even more aroused and excited to which she replied:

"Go look in the garage."

Re: Joke of the Day
 

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame
sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.

Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.

The bishop was incredulous. “You have no arms!”

“No matter,” said the man, “Observe!”

And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.

The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps, when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, “Bishop, who was this man?”

“I don't know his name,” the bishop sadly replied,





“BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL!”




WAIT! WAIT! There's more:




The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, “Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday.

I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.”

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

“What has happened? Who is this man?” the first monk asked breathlessly.

“I don't know his name,” sighed the distraught bishop, “but...



“HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER.”

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Since I am on roll!

Re: Joke of the Day
 

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing.

"Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."

As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"

"No!" she shrieked, aghast.

So, he dropped her. As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her.

"Do you screw?" he asked.

"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too.

The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor.

"I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.

"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.

Re: Joke of the Day
 

A man asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?

The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

"If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

"Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

"Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

"Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

"Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

Re: Joke of the Day
 

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of the Granville Methodist church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.


"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor asked, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

The old lady replied, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful! What does he do for a living?"

"I think he is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The little old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."

Re: Joke of the Day
 

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat agreed to look after her
neighbors' male dog while they were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.

However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in
obvious pain and unable to disengage.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, she called the veterinarian. Although it was late, he answered in a very grumpy voice.

After having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.

I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male
lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It worked for me," he replied.

Re: Joke of the Day
 

A MAN is standing a bar when he hears a voice coming from the peanut bowl.

“I really like your tie,” it says. “You’re smashing, you are. You’re really lovely.”

Surprised, the man picks up his drink, and walks to his table.

Passing the cigarette machine, he hears another voice. “You and your wife are ugly, fat and stupid,” the voice says.

The man is baffled and asks the barman what is going on.

“I’m so sorry,” says the barman.

“The peanuts are complimentary but the cigarette machine is out of order.”