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Re: Joke of the Day
A man storms into the bedroom drunk one night holding a sheep under his arm while his wife is reading in bed.
He announces "This is the pig I've been sleeping with whenever you're not around!l His wife says "Ha! You drunken idiot! That's not a pig - it's a sheep!" He replies "Shut up Pig - I was talking to the sheep!" |
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More texting fails
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Re: Joke of the Day
Why Grandfathers are different:
Have you ever wondered what is the difference between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is: There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy-- just him and his granddaughter. One particular Saturday, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked. “Not really, Papa, it was boring. We didn't see a single a-hole, queer, piece of sh.t, horse's ass, socialist left wing Obama-lover, blind bastard, dip****, Muslim camel humper or son of a bietch anywhere we went! We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw. I really didn't have any fun.” Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it? :bng: |
Re: Joke of the Day
FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE......
1. Forgive your enemy but remember the bastard's name. 2. Money cannot buy happiness but it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes then on a bicycle. 3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they are in trouble again. 4. Many people are alive today because it's illegal to shoot the SOBs. 5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk. I HOPE THIS HELPS YOU IN YOUR DAILY LIFE!! |
Re: Joke of the Day
Today I was beaten up by a woman . . .
I was in the elevator when this busty lady got in. I was staring at her boobs, when she said, “Would you please press 1?” So I did. I don't remember much afterwards... :shock: |
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Re: Joke of the Day
Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation. No one wanted him to leave. Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stood up and proclaimed, 'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!' The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds. Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, 'If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!' More sighs and loud applause. Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Preacher stays, .... I will give him sex!' There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her, 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?... as Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, 'Well , I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said,......'Screw him!' :annoy: |
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More Christmas humor
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Re: Joke of the Day
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans, Arkansans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.'
You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS. And furthermore, HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN. ' 2. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.' 3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.' 4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.' 5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes ' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.' 6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a ' LOW COST PROVIDER.' HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.' 2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is ' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.' 3.. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He ' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.' 4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.' 5. He does not act like a'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.' 6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'TROUSER CLEAVAGE.' |
Re: Joke of the Day
A blonde driving her car became lost in a snowstorm.
She didn’t panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her…. “If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it.” Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, “Well, I’m done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?” |
Re: Joke of the Day
One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon.
He pours from the bottle onto the teaspoon and offers it to the pharmacist. “Could you taste this for me, please?” The pharmacist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it. “Does that taste sweet to you?” says Paddy. “No, not at all,” says the phramacist. “Oh that’s a relief,” says Paddy. “The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar.” |
Re: Joke of the Day
It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked the chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?' 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?' 'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.' The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' 'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.' 'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked. The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.' |
Re: Joke of the Day
Dodge City was a rough town. Nevertheless, it had an excellent theatre group. One time it planned to perform the Swan Lake Ballet.
On the day of dress rehearsal, it was discovered that moths had gotten into the tutus. Everything was ruined. The producer placed a call to the Acme Costume Company in Wichita and learned they had plenty of tutus. The proprietor promised to ship the much needed garments over on a special train. They should arrive in plenty of time for the opening. Back at Dodge, everyone was in a big hurry. Someone needed to go down to the depot and fetch the tutus. Butch, the biggest, toughest guy in town offered to do it. So he went to the station and sat down. When the station master saw Butch, he went over and asked if he might be of help. Butch replied, “Thanks, but I’m just waiting for the tutu train.” |
Re: Joke of the Day
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. |
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Re: Joke of the Day
Two poor, not too bright farmers had problems with rats in their barns. The decided to go see rich farmer Johnson since he never had problems with rats.
Farmer Johnson told the two that he had bought a snake and the snake kept the barn free of rats. The two farmers thought this was a great plan and because they were poor they decided to go in together to buy the snake. When they got the snake, they couldn’t decide how to share it, and not being too bright, they decided to cut the snake in two. Each took his part of the snake back to his barn, where obviously they each continued to have rats. Anybody could tell you this was doomed to failure, because … it was a half-asp plan. |
Re: Joke of the Day
Who-Dat... you're tryin to hard. ;)
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Re: Joke of the Day
Proof of a cat preventing a house fire
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Re: Joke of the Day
A child asked his father, "How were people born?"
So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family." |
Re: Joke of the Day
Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, The Princess.
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what: Metal, Wood, Stone, Anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, ''If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.' The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth... Three young princes took up the challenge. The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly . The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too went away disappointed. The third prince approached. He told the princess, 'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.' The princess did as she was told, though she turned red . She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!! The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after. Question: What was in the prince's pants? M & M 's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. What were you thinking?? |
Re: Joke of the Day
The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?"
Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, "I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!" |
Re: Joke of the Day
A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies. "Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and they carry on shopping. A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband. "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife. Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price." That's him in Aisle 5. |
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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are - my - test - results - back?" GOOD NITE FOLKS! |
Re: Joke of the Day
A guy is browsing the paper and sees an ad that simply reads: Talking Dog For Sale.
The guy always wanted a dog and figures that it might be worth checking out. He drives to the house, rings the bell, and the owner opens the door. "You here about my dog?" "Er, yea.." "He's in the back." The owner wanders to another room so guy leads himself to the backyard where a well groomed Labrador is sitting. They eye each other in silence before the guy hesitantly ask, "So...You talk?" The Lab cocks his head to side before replying in clear plain English: "Yep!". After picking his jaw off the floor, the guy exclaims 'Oh my god! How is this possible?!" The Lab looks up and says, 'Truth be told, I dunno. I was just born this way." "My mom and dad lived on a farm in Kansas. I spent the first few years of my life herding cattle and running errands for our masters. But I realize pretty quickly that I should be doing more with my special talent." "I decided that I wanted to help protect the country I love so much and got in touch with the CIA . In no time at all they had me flying from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping." "Thanks to the intelligence I gathered, the CIA was able to prevent dozens of terrorist plots against the U.S." "I was their most valuable spy for over a decade. But all the traveling tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals." "Then I got married, had a mess of puppies, saw them all through Police Dog Academy, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He runs back into the house and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars," the owner says. "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! And a hero! Why on earth are you selling him for so cheap?" "Because he's a goddamn liar! He never did any of that shyt!" |
Re: Joke of the Day
How Moses Got the Ten Commandments God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.' The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?' And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.' 'Can you give us an example?' 'Thou shall not kill.' 'Not kill? We're not interested.' So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.' The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, 'Honour thy Father and Mother.' 'Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested.' Then He went to the Mexicans and said, 'I have Commandments.' The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.' 'Not steal? We're not interested'. Then He went to the French and said, 'I have Commandments.' The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.' 'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.' Finally, He went to the Jews and said, 'I have Commandments ...' 'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?' 'They're free.' 'We'll take 10.' There. That should upset just about everybody. :D |
Re: Joke of the Day
Quote:
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Re: Joke of the Day
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?" The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," say the sheriff impatiently. The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle." The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"
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Re: Joke of the Day
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Re: Joke of the Day
When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines.
One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter." Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man. God said to the long line, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him." God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?" The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here." |
Re: Joke of the Day
Why husbands try to avoid your questions!
WIFE: What would you do if i died? Would you get married again? Husband: No... Wife: Why not? Don't you like being married? Husband: Of course i do. Wife: Then why wouldn't you remarry? Husband: Ok, ok, I'd get married again... Wife: Would you live in our house with your new Wife...? Husband: Yes, it's a great house. Wife: Would you let her drive my car ? Husband: Yes, its a new car, dear... Wife: Would you give her my jewelry? Husband: No.. I am sure she would want her own.. Wife: Would she wear my shoes..? Husband: No, her size is '5' Wife: --silence- Husband: 'shiiit'...!!! |
Re: Joke of the Day
A businessman in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, “Y’all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?” The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everthang but my earrings.” |
Re: Joke of the Day
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, “I got a flat tahr.” The passerby asked, “But what’s with the flowers?” The man responded, “When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither.” |
Re: Joke of the Day
For those who haven't heard, Colorado just passed both laws - gay marriage and legalized marijuana.
The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense Leviticus 20:13 says, "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned." We just hadn't interpreted it correctly before! |
Re: Joke of the Day
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path." "Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both." The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand. "Yes?" said the Instructor. "I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?" |
Re: Joke of the Day
What does Dallas Cowboys & Brokeback Mountain have in common?
The Cowboys suck. |
Re: Joke of the Day
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again Said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance, and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory." MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity! |
Re: Joke of the Day
Smashmouth's wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing the usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As Smashmouth walked in, almost awake, she turned to him and said softly, "You've got to do me this very moment!" His eyes lit up and thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced the moment and gave it his all - right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, Smashmouth asked, "What was that all about?" She explained, "The egg timer's broken." :bugeyes: :nutkick: :drummer: |
Re: Joke of the Day
Super Bowl Special
Use the promo code Peyton when ordering a Papa Johns Pizza and when it arrives at your house, a Seattle DB will take it from you and eat it. |
Re: Joke of the Day
Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower:
Mongrel, Coot and Bluey As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed Instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife. Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer. Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?' 'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies. ' That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave You a case of beer?' 'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow." She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are.' Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff. |
Re: Joke of the Day
I went to the bar the other day and they played the twist. So I did the twist. Then they played Jump... so I jumped. Next they played Come on Eileen.... and I got thrown out of the bar.
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