Crusader

Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a psychiatrist and told him I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the psychiatrist. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?" "$80 per visit," replied the doctor. "I’ll sleep on it and if needed I will come back to you," I said.

Six months later the psychiatrist met me on the street. "Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked. "Well, $80 a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV."

"Is that so!" With a bit of an attitude he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed – ain’t nobody under there now!"

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

dam1953

You know the U.S. is in trouble when Larry the Cable Guy makes more sense than any of the presidential candidates...

Think about this:
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ....why don't we just give them ours?
It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this -- you cannot post:
'Thou Shalt Not Steal'
'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' and
'Thou Shall Not Lie'
in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

Also, think about this ..... If you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone -- YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM!

GET ER DONE!.........I'm do'in my part.

”It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.” Charles Darwin

WhoDat!656

On that note:

WhoDat!656

Little Johnny comes home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

“Why?” asks his father? “

The teacher asked - “How much is 2x3” - I said 6, replies Bobby.

“But that's correct!” says his dad.

Yeah, but then she asked me -“How much is 3x2?”

“What's the damn difference?” asks the father.

“That is what I said!”

dam1953

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?

Attached Thumbnails

 

”It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.” Charles Darwin

RaginCajun83

So a 16 year old boy gets his first job working in the produce department at a grocery store. One day a 6'5 300 pound guy comes in asking for a half head of lettuce. Well the boy goes in the cooler to find his boss and tells him some *** hole out there wants a half head of lettuce not knowing the guy is behind him. He turns around and says "and this guy wants the other half". After the man leaves his boss says "you got some wit there boy, where you from?". The boy replied "South Florida in a town with 2 kinds of people: football players and prositutes. The boss says "oh really, my wife is from a town in southern Florida". To which the boy replied "what position did she play?"

dam1953

The economy is so bad that:

I received a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Motel Six won’t leave the light on anymore.
A picture is now worth 200 words.
They renamed Wall Street…Wal-Mart Street.
Finally, I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

Crusader

At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

foreverfan

dam1953

Spell Check That...

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

”It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.” Charles Darwin