dam1953

What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef.

dam1953

One night, I paid $20 to see Prince. But I partied like it was $19.99.

dam1953

What did the Buddhist monk say to the hotdog vendor?


Make me one with everything.

dam1953

When someone tell me to stop acting like a flamingo - that’s when I put my foot down.

foreverfan

Try Not to Laugh

Crusader

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.

Because I didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.

"Sorry it took so long but the stupid b**** was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not s*** in the vegetable garden again."
The silence in the taxi was deafening.....

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

44Champs

A man is running late for an appointment but can't find a parking spot. He desperately begins to pray "Dear God if you get me a parking spot, I promise to go to church every Sunday and and put money in the basket."
Right at that instant, a parking spot opened up.
"Never mind - I found one!"

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44Champs

A coma in a sentence can literally change the meaning of everything.

Example:

"John is in a hurry."

"John is in a coma."

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foreverfan

I've had some soup that certainly looked like piss.

foreverfan

But it is some peoples fault they are a hole.